From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
116 Charm or wit?
Someone emailed me last week with a great quote. A woman had met with the great English statesman Gladstone one night and his rival Disraeli the next. When asked to compare them she replied;
“ when I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England.”
When I thought about it, I realized the depth of this statement. It is the people who make us feel really smart or special that we remember as the most interesting and charming. We may meet others who impress us with their intelligence or wit or abilities, but we are left admiring them not ourselves! That’s the difference between Mr Gladstone and Mr Disraeli .
Years ago , I remember having a conversation with my wonderfully eccentric
Aunt about what makes a woman attractive to a man. She , who had been through many love affairs (including one with a Maharaja in India!), gave me some great advice that boosted my rapport building skills from that day.
She suggested that during conversations , I ask people all sorts of questions about themselves and then find a way to repeat those words and concepts back into the conversation. Not only did this make the person feel special, the fact that you were a) interested and b)listening so intently, but it also made them think you were fascinating! Therein lies the charm aspect.
The man I love, is a genius at doing this, he has a special talent for being genuinely interested and then somehow saying things in a way that leaves me feeling wonderful! As he does this so well, he instantly charms everyone he meets, especially women! So fellas, here’s a secret tip on how to improve your relating and conversational skills with women.
Using this ‘Nancy Principle’, named after my Aunt, you will never be bored with a conversation again! Everyone , when asked questions about themselves or their lives has something of interest to share. It’s amazing how some people you thought incredibly boring , blossom when they think you think they are interesting! And suddenly they do become interesting to you.
Of course, it’s important to be congruent when you are speaking with them. In other words, make sure that what comes out of your mouth matches what you are saying to yourself inside your head. If you are saying one thing and thinking another, the other person ALWAYS knows. They may not know exactly what you are thinking, but they will feel uncomfortable around you. It’s the same as meeting someone and walking away feeling “they seemed nice, but something didn’t feel quite right”; you feel that way because what they were saying did not match what they were thinking, and you picked it up non verbally.
The ability to make someone else feel interesting, smart, sexy, special, lovable, loving, funny or any other attribute they admire, is a great gift, and one that can be learned. I think it’s a combination of genuinely wanting to make others feel good, so our non verbal language (which is 80-93% of everything we communicate) is already saying we are interested (therefore you are interesting); and then having a small number of conversational skills.
Where are we taught this at school? We are so busy learning the words we often miss the art of communicating , and making others feel good as a result.
So to have the skill of Mr Disraeli, be genuinely interested in the person with whom you are speaking. Next , ask them questions about themselves and their lives or experiences. Listen intently, keeping your mind focused on the conversation. Then repeat some of the phrases they have used back into the conversation and use their language to elicit more details from them.
Using this ‘Nancy principle’, you are sure to be a hit at your next social gathering. Have fun.
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