I recently bought a brilliant new relationship book by John Gottman. Titled “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” it is full of practical and useful tips based on 20 years of his scientific university research. I strongly recommend anyone who is interested in improving a relationship buy it!
One of the most fascinating discoveries he has made is that a critical factor for a stable and successful relationship lies in the ratio of negative to positive feelings and interaction. It appears we all need five times as many positive comments/ interactions/ connections as we do negative.
In other words, for every negative thing we think, say or do, we must balance with at least five positive to maintain relationship health.
The most damaging negative emotions or thoughts were not anger as we would expect but criticism, contempt, defensiveness, loneliness, isolation and withdrawal. Anger was only destructive when it was expressed with criticism , contempt or defensiveness.
He lists 9 common ways we can up the positive side of the scales,
- show interest in your partner. Listen, really listen and hear what they are saying. Comment on how your partner may be feeling rather than giving advice. Repeat what they have said to make sure you understand the real meaning. Remember when they have had a special meeting, day or event and ask them about it.
- be affectionate. This tenderness is often lost after the first romantic phase of love. Especially in public where you earn extra bonking points! Hold hands, blow your partner kisses; mouth I love you; sit close when watching TV or at the cinema; touch a lot.
- show you care. Be thoughtful and do little caring things that you know or think your partner may like. Send them a card, even if you live with them. Write them a note telling them how much you care for them; love them and recall special moments you have shared together.
- be appreciative. Inside your own head appreciate all the good things about your relationship; and all the good points of your partner. Show them you appreciate them in little ways, a word or phrase whispered in their ear or a hidden note; or even a love letter!
- show your concern and be supportive. If your partner ever expresses anxiety or distress over something , listen and be concerned. Apologize if your partner is hurt or upset by something you said, without being defensive.
- be empathetic. Show your partner you really understand and can feel what your partner is feeling. Or at least have a sense of what they are feeling.
- be accepting. Respect what your partner is saying, it may not be true for you, but it is true and valid for them. You may disagree but you can still accept what they say as truth for them.
- joke around. Having a sense of fun and play, and laughing together appears to be a fabulous cement for holding relationships together.
- share your joy. When you are excited, feeling great or having a great time let your partner know.
So there you have part of John Gottman’s receipe for a stable, successful long term relationship.
As I read these points , I thought it would be a wonderful Sunday morning topic over a long brunch! Go through each point and define what being appreciative or empathetic or accepting means to you; tell your partner what they do that makes you feel they do care for you and that you are concerned. Let them know how to support you in the best way; share with them things they do that make you feel very safe and secure.
Make notes as you have this chat! So you not only remember what you said to your partner but also to recall what they said. Maybe you could review this list four times a year and see if you can add to it or if you have deviated too far.
Another idea I had was to put blank paper on the fridge and have positive and negative columns. This could lead to world war three, but it might also be an interesting insight into your partner’s perceptions of how the relationship is traveling. If there appears to be a distinct lack of marks in the positive side , discuss what’s happening. It may be that you are doing the above, but in the way you would like to have it done to you , as opposed to how your partner needs to be given appreciation, caring, support, empathy etc.
Perhaps you could create a chart. Make it a family exercise. List all the nine points and any more that you can think apply to your relationship and decorate the chart with images and symbols. Leave space under each heading to write in some of the ideas you have discussed. Leave more space for any additional ideas that pop up.
Do this exercise a second time with your children to give them head start on successful relating skills.
As Gottman says, “to maintain a balanced marital ecology, you need to make an effort”, not work, just make an effort! Think about these concepts, take time to discuss them, without becoming defensive! Attempt to incorporate them into your daily life and be aware of your 5:1 ratio. If it feels out of balance have a code you can use to gently let your partner know. Remember 5:1, it’s the key!
