Once upon a time, many years ago, I went out with a man called Hugh. (The names have been changed!) During that time I learned a big lesson!
Showing someone else we love them is not something most of us do consciously, we just do it!
Only when things are not going right or we have split up with someone do we ever think about HOW THE OTHER PERSON WANTED TO BE LOVED!
Let me explain!
As a child, my Mum used to shower us with gifts on our birthdays and we were mini celebrities for days before! For Hugh, his whole family gave him 2 tea towels for his 30th birthday! Even though they loved him! This was the way they shoed they loved him.
It was very different from my way of being loved!
My Mum used to do silly things like write little notes or give me cards that said “I wuv you” or stick notes in my lunch box. So of course, I thought everyone did that! And that everyone would appreciate that!
Well….one day with Hugh, just before he was about to go to a meeting, I had a wonderful idea. I emptied a whole packet of tiny, heart shaped confetti into his briefcase.
Of course, I was imagining how delighted he would be as he opened his briefcase in front of all these people and hundreds of little hearts would fall out. I was seeing the jealousy of all his colleagues who were thinking how lucky he was!!!
Apparently it didn’t happen quite like this!
So once he started speaking to me again, it dawned on me that we learn to give love from our parents, yet no one consciously talks about giving love, or how we do it or how we might differ!
Hence this newsletter, I am starting a world wide movement on finding out what you need to do to make your loved ones feel loved!
Even your children. You may think that making them a special lunch does it when really what works for them is when you sit down at the end of the day and listening to them share their day.
So the most important question I think to ask each other in a relationship is this…
‘what do I do that makes you feel that I love you?’
And then listen. REALLY listen.
Listen for the feelings behind the words. Do not judge. Accept what they say. Ask questions to make sure you understood exactly what they said.
If they say
“I feel loved when you hug me.’
Do not respond with
‘no, sorry, you knew I was not a hugger when we got together; never have been; never will be.”
If you do that, don’t ask the question in the first place!
If you ask the question, you have to be truly ready to hear the truth and it may surprise or shock you, but it is THEIR feelings we are exploring, not YOURS!
For this Valentines Day, why not make your partner, child or friend a card and write on it “What do I do, that makes you feel, that I LOVE YOU?’
And inside it create a blank list for them….and make a series of vouchers to go with it that they can fill in with requests!
Make 12 vouchers, one for each month of the year.
At the end of the year, your partner or child will feel SO loved that you will want to do this each year on Valentines Day!
This might be the BEST Valentine’s day they have ever had!
Zooties from us all at the Joy Project!
PS The best way to love someone else unconditionally is to love yourself unconditionally! But more on that later!
