From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
Wise Selfish and womens martyr/ guilt gene!
Most women have a martyr gene. And closely attached to that is a guilt gene! John gray (author of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus) maintains that the more tired a woman gets the more she runs around like a chook without a head on (my words!).
how many of you are familiar with this scenario - it's 4.30pm on a Sunday afternoon. The man and woman are exhausted from a hectic day. He says 'I think I'll have a nap - why don't you have one to?'. The woman's response (in martyr like tones) 'it's all right for you to lie down - SOMEONE has to get things ready for tomorrow; who else will iron the clothes, prepare the dinner and ...and.... '!
At which point he escapes and rests while she fumes her way through the work, progressively becoming more and more tired - (and crabby!). Ha, ha - isn't this a funny scenario! Or it would be if it just happened in TV land. Unfortunately, it happens all the time in real life. I am convinced that women have a martyr gene! It's not that we do this consciously, I think it's completely subconscious
unless someone points it out to us.
We do ourselves no good by pushing ourselves even harder when we are exhausted; we are less efficient; we drain our energy to the point where we don't have enough left for ourselves let alone anyone else.
This is where the guilt gene kicks in! We know we are tired, irritable, snappy and we have just shouted at our toddler/ partner/ teenager/ parent. And we realize 2 minutes later it was unfair. What happens? Guilt attacks us, so we feel even worse.
I am ona world crusade to teach women the benefits of wise selfishness. I first heard this term from the Dalai Lama who differentiated between wise selfish and foolish selfish. Men know how to be wise selfish. In fact, some have made it an art form! (ha, ha just joking!) Seriously folks, women must understand that to be able to give to others on an ongoing basis we must somehow fill up our energy tanks.
Think of a car and it's fuel tank. While it still has some petrol, it can keep running. Well, we have energy tanks. And while we still have energy in the tanks we can keep going. The difference is that when a car is out of petrol it stops and won't start again until we refill it. But there may be some problems from letting it run out of gas - like dirt in the carburetta (impressed with my obvious mechanical knowledge?).
So humans don't just stop. They keep going on reserve tanks. At a cost. Sometimes a huge health cost. We don't always notice the tank is on empty and has been for three months or two years or ten years. We try to squeeze the last drop out. So we get sick. The body says finally 'ENOUGH' - I'll make you stop and recharge cos we cannot keep going one more minute'.
How can you moniter your energy tanks? Can you be more aware of how you feel? Can you make a list of activities that boost your energy and then commit to doing one of those a day or every two days?
So letting it run completely empty has some risk associated with it.But And Stop now and think of five things/activities you can do that leave you full of energy afterwards. Dancing? Laughing? Sleeping? Reaading? Gardening? Exercise? Golf? Squash? Art? Sculpturing? Hobbies? Talking to friends? Singing? Listening to music? Playing a musical instrument? Day dreaming?the time we finally do take to recover and renew! As we are reading, lunching, sleeping, resting we are plagued by thoughts of 'I should be playing with the children, cleaning the kitchen, writing the report for tomorrow; gardening; washing etc etc etc.' This is not smart.
Without a refill of the energy tanks we think we are giving quality time to the various projects or people but we aren't. Especially the ones we love. Once we take time for ourselves, we are more patient, tolerant, efficient, creative, playful, relaxed, fun and generally good to be around. In fact, we should feel guilty if we don't give ourselves some time each day , because if we don't the quality of everything else we do suffers.
Think of holidays as turbo charging our tanks - as long as we don't spend the whole holiday sick because we didn't have enough time for ourselves during the year! Maybe weekends away with our partner can fill the tank. Or a weekend away on our own or with girlfriends (if a girl) or male friends (if you're a boy).
Men often do that - head off with the boys for a fishing weekend and it's really healthy for them. Women need to think about the same concept. Why not plan a weekend away with your three (or more) best female friends? Imagine what fun you would have, and how relaxed and loving you would be on your return!
That's all it takes to fill your energy tanks to overflowing. Unless of course you have been running on empty for years. Then you need more drastic measures. Like two weeks away at a health farm; or in the country; or by yourself where there is nothing - absolutely nothing to do. Ah Ha I hear that guilt gene kicking in - 'I couldn't do that - who would look after the children, dog, parents, garden etc etc'.
Yes you can. It just takes organization. You don't hav eto go anywhere expensive. Just somewhere where you do nothing; or can do adventure things if you like - whatever you think would refill your tanks and unblock the 'carburetta' inside you. Maybe a friend can take over your chores and you do the same for them at another time. Or your partner may help out. There will be some way if you really put your mind to it.
Calling all women out there.....it's OK - no, it's desirable, no- it's essential, no- it's life extending for you to dominate that martyr gene! Go to it and have a great time! You'll feel better and life will seem easier and the family will wonder what happy pills you're on!
