From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
AN AFFAIR WITH WORK
Have you ever wonderedif your partner is having an affair? Long hours ; home late from work; fewer phone calls; less conversation. Signs that make you think something is wrong.
Well, they may not be having an affair with another person but they may be having an affair with their work! This idea emerged during a discussion with a female friend of mine last week. We were talking about the dynamics of her relationship with her husband. Both had been working full time until they decided the relationship needed someone to pay attention to it; so she sold her business, and he was going to be home earlier and travel overseas less.
So, she did and he didn't! What a common story. The problem is he absolutely loves what he is doing. It challenges him; stimulates him; attracts him; and it's fun; and she feels like she is the second priority.
Many men, and less women , find work so satisfying that , although the home relationship is important, they don't pay attention to it until a crisis occurs. Until the person who is taking second place to work shouts 'enough'! Or leaves without shouting. They may not have complained because they didn't want to add more pressure to an already stressed person.
To love our work is wonderful. We spend the bulk of our lives doing whatever this work is. To persevere with something we hate every work day is damagingfor our minds, bodies and spirits. But there needs to be a balance.
We need to recognize how important our home life is for superior work performance. Hundreds of men have come up to me after I have spoken at a conference to say that the thing that inteferes with their work performance more than anything else is conflict at home.
Women comment that problems with relationships interfere with almost everything they do.
At the end of a day at work, how much energy do you have for your relationship? If you start off with 100% , work for a day and come home, what percentage do you have when you arrive home?
Relationships are living, breathing 'organisms'. They are like an exotic plant you have searched for all your life. Finally you discover this unique and beautiful plant and you buy it. you put it in a perfect spot, feeling great that you finaly found it. Then life continues and catches you in it's swirling chaos. And three months or years later when you suddenly remember this precious plant you rush back to see if it's OK.
Too late. Without watering , fertilising or nurturing, it has died. Now, with great sadness, you realize how little effort it would have taken to keep this plant alive and well. And you stop and reassess your priorities, and vow never to make the same mistake again.
Perhaps if we talked about issues like this more often we could avoid some of the failed relationships that are a hallmark of today's frenetic pace lifestyles.We could improve communication. How important is your work? And your home relationship? Are you taking home and your partner for granted? Do you expect them to continue putting up for years with seeing you for a few hours during the week when you are stressed, tired, irritable and uncommunicative?
Another man said to me last week 'I was so busy working to provide them with a nice home and schools that I missed my children growing up'. Would they have benefited more from growing up in a 'house full' of parents who spent time together and loved each other ; or from a stint at a great school and in a nice house with parents who fought then divorced. Children are the innocent victims of anaffair with work. All on the pretext of 'I did this to provide you with a what I believed was best for you'. 'I did this for you' is often greeted with 'you did it for you; you were never there when we needed you; you were too busy being important at work.'
Be careful of work. Enjoy it; learn from it; grow through it; gain satisfaction and pride from it; even love it - but know it's place. Don
Don't let it be an escape from a difficult situation at home. 't let it seduce you away from your family - even if it's much easier and less complicated at work, one day you will wake up and feel empty.
Humans need a balance - something that fulfills us emotionally. And we need to recognize the real importance of our family and home life. I know, it's been said a million times and it's all 'ho hum' now. But it keeps happening. We must be stupid! So where is your priority - not what you say - but what does your behavior say?
Instead of seeking all your satisfaction fromwork, try having an ongoing affair with your partner - they kiss better than work and are much cuddlier!
