From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
If you haven’t read a book called ‘The Hearts Code “ by Paul Pearsall then rush out today and order it! Or call it up on amazon.com. I met this man years ago and this book will transform the way you think about the heart and it’s importance in your life.
Another book that’s worth reading as part of a ‘keep your heart healthy until you’re really old’ strategy is “Anger Kills” by Redford and Virginia Williams (Time Press). It would appear that having an angry , hostile heart is a significant factor in the development of heart disease, not just the important usual aspects of obesity, smoking, stress, lack of exercise etc.
Apparently Type A people are not automatically sitting ducks for a heart attack, it’s the Type A with and angry hostile heart. Dr Williams who was Director of behavioral research at Duke University, North Carolina called these people Type H. He defined them as ‘cynical, distrustful, angry and more likely to act on it”.
He asks a few questions to give you an idea of how likely you are to be type H, for example, do you remember irritating incidents and get mad all over again? If your hairdresser trims off too much, do you fume for days? When someone cuts you off in traffic, do you flash your lights and honk your horn? Are you often irritated by others incompetence? These are just a few questions to ask yourself to give you insight into how you habitually respond/react to difficulties.
The anger theory does raise some interesting opportunities for families! Ask yourself how your parents responded to anger. With sulking? Passive aggression? Full on physical aggression? Verbal abuse? Shouting, ranting and raving? Did they deprive you of love or affection?
Did they never mention it again so that it lay unresolved for months or years, a big black cloud hanging over your head? Or did they realize that the anger was a response (or, worse, reaction) to a problem or situation, and deal with the problem or cause? What anger management did you learn from your parents? Your siblings?
Do you recognize when you are angry or hostile? Does it register that you are feeling like throttling someone! Have you noticed that your breathing is coming in short , shallow bursts; or that your shoulders are hunched up around your ears? That your voice is strained and tense?
How do you behave when you are feeling angry? Do others know you are angry before you do? Ask your partner or children how they know you are angry, and keep breathing as they answer you! No point in asking them and then losing it because you think they are talking rubbish!
What sorts of things make you angry? Who makes you angry? Why? Then examine your answers; are you reacting to a situation, or responding? Reacting is a knee jerk, without thought or consideration reaction to something, before you realize it, you have shouted at everyone and three people are in tears and the rest just hate you! You spend the next three days feeling guilty and upset and more angry but this time with yourself! Not very smart behavior.
Or do you recognize when you are angry, stop, take a few breaths, think about what is happening and why you are feeling this way and count to 100.
Or even walk away for a few minutes (or a couple of years!)? Then you come back with the appropriate response, even if it is anger. If this is you, great! You are a star at anger management!
Of course, fear is at the basis of most anger! So it might be helpful to ask yourself what are you fearing right now, you may have to search quite hard as the fear is often so embedded and deep we are not even aware of it.
Either way, talking about anger in an open and frank way , considering the aspects I have highlighted with your family is a great way to explore yourself and your reactions, as well as helping your children have an insight into anger what fear is behind it and the way they deal with it.
It may be the best gift you could ever give yourself or your children. PS your heart will be pretty grateful as well. So much less painful than keeling over with a massive heart attack!
