From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
fiand confused animals! Not to mention step uncles/aunts, second marriage relatives etc.
It's one of the big challenges of the nineties - how to have a family gathering without a murder or suicide! Especially a Christmas / New Year gathering! singles andat
So, given these events occur every year, what can we do to make them more pleasant?
First, the preparation! In your planning, make sure you maintain as many egos intact as possible. Think about how you word invitations; if you are worried about which separated partner to ask - check with them - yes, actually ask them how they would like the situation to be handled.
Do not play matchmaker or repairer of broken homes - no one will thank you for it and you will end up hurt and be last seen wandering into the distance, muttering 'I was only trying to help'!
What are you telling yourself about the coming 'family day'? Are you expecting the worst? That everyone will be at each others throaats again? or that the tension will be so strong you will be able to cut the air with a knife? Because, if you expect the worst, it is much more likely to happen! be aware of what you say to yourself over the next few weeks and make sure you choose positive statements or at least neutral statements about the folks who will be there. And then mentally rehearse the scenario you would like to have happen. In other words, run a movie of your ideal (or best possible under the circumstances) Christmas gathering in your mind's eye. Be specific. See, hear and feel what the best scenario would be. The more specific and detailed you are the more likely it is to happen. Before you write me off as a looney, this is a technique used by all top class athletes to enhance their performance. In fact, it is a critical part of their training program - so, let's put the same technique to work on our personal lives.
Let's assume that cousin Fred always acts in a way that drives you nuts. And he will again this year. Why get upset - even before it happens? Why not prepare for it, expect it and then when it does happen, have some alternative ways of behaving rather than automatically going in to 'quietly fumin mode'? Imagine yourself in the same room as Fred who is doing a superb job of behaving in a way that normally drives you crazy and you are staying cool, calm and collected. Maybe you are even laughing because you knew it would happen and you predicted it would start at precisely this time!
Is there someone you need ot make amends with before the big get together? Maybe an apology ? Or you ring them and agree to call a truce for the day? I know he or she made the first error but you be the one big enough to make the first move.
At some stage it may be useful to identify the emotions you are feeling when you think of Christmaas and all the troups being together eling when you think of Christm. Is it fear, delight, anger, anxiety, apprehension, misery? And once you have identified the emotion, maybe it's useful to think about what may be causing you to feel this way. Is it a useful emotion? Is it reasonable and rational? Or founded in some old childhood 'stuff' that was useful when you were six but at thirty five it's a little outdated!
In the business world the concept of separating the issue from the person is crucial for the negotiation process. I think it's a useful strategy for the home front as well! In your psychological preparation for Christmas, try to plan that on the day you will separate the actual person from the issue that may be upsetting you. In other words, the person is inherently good - it's just that circumstances have altered their outlook on life and thier behavior temporarily. (OK it may have been for their whole lives - but, hey , it's Christmas , lets be charitible!).
Another aspect is your perception of Christmas and other people. If you think it's a huge waste of time and energy , your non verbal communication on the day will let everyone know that it's how you feel - you know, the old 'bah, humbug routine'! Similarly, if you think great Aunt Freda is a boring old nit , she will know it and will irritate you even more because she willl secretly want yoru approval!
@b, it's on the cards that you will fulfill your own prophecy. Perhaps, you could acknowledge how lucky you have been to have had a few great times and that maybe this will be great in another way. Who knows, the new dynamics may make it even better!
Another beaut technique people have for making their life a misery is to 'should' themselves! No matter what they do, they 'SHOULD' have done it differently! They 'should' have known better etc! Why 'should' you have known/ been better etc.? You are much less likely to do something you regret if you think a little before hand and prepare. Anyway, 'shoulding' yourself is a waste of time - instead spend the time doing soemthing constructive about not doing it again!
When all else fails; when you can't change yoru way of thinking or mentally rehearse anything but misery, you need to think about cancelling the day! Seriously. Say you can't make it or another event has come up. you need to go to hospital for the day. Or you are doing volunteer work for the Salvation Army for the day. There are lots of worthwhile things you can do to help those less fortunate then you - and it's avoids a potentially tricky situation.
OK, you've done the preparation. It's Christmas day. you're driving to the 'event'. What can you do? First, play soemthing pleasant on the tape in the car - a comedy or calming music. Say positive things to yourself. Smile - for no reason. Stick a pen between your teeth and keep your lips off the pen. (this releases endorphins which make you feel good!). Think about hte best time you've ever had in yoru life. Dwell on it.
You arrive. KEEP SMILING. this releases endorphins as well. Do not drink alcohol. Alcohol has a nasty habit of encouraging you to be 'brutally honest' - only to be helpful of course!
Keep breathing! Stress and tension make you breath in a very shallow way. Breathe deeply and you can stay calm and rational. Keep an eye on your chest all day!
Be forgiving of others. Accept them for who they are. They don't wake up in the morning and wonder what they can do specifically to irritate you on the day! You may think they do! But that's rarely the case. Don;t expect them to change or want them to be different. It's amazing how much people's behavior actually changes when you finally accept them for who they are! Oh, what about accepting yourself as well!
Decide to enjoy yourself no matter what. Plan to enjoy something about the day even if it's only the food!
If you find yourself in an argument - stop for a second and ask yourself 'what is my outcome, here, now?' You will occaisonally find that you are arguing for the sake of arguing - rather than any valid reason. It's a very useful technique to ask at any time of conflict.
Sometimes, it's useful to count to 100 before you answer someone. This saves you from saying soemthing you may later regret.
Ask people if they really meant to suggest 'I hate you' before you assume that when they said 'some people really annoy me', they were really directing it at you and saying 'I hate you'! Assumtions are always fraught with danger.
One more little suggestion. Do not set out to change the world on Christmas day! Family dynamics take years - often lifetimes to establish. Even if you hate your family behvaiours and rituals, you can't change them in one day, so give up now! Just accept that's the way it's going to be un til slow change sets in. Relax, you're not the saviour; or the matchmaker; or repairer of failed marriages; or surrogate parents; or advisors or any of the other thinks we call ourselves to excuse the fact we are interfering! Unless, of course someone asks for our help - then 'go for it!'.
PS remember , it's the thought behind the gift - not the gift! When someone gives you the ugliest thing you've ever seen in your life, smile and think of them in the shop searching for something you would like! And respond to that , not the actual present! Not many people go out specifically to buy you something you would hate! If they do, avoid them in the future.
I hope that this column gives you some strategies to handle Christmas day so you can enjoy it more - especially if it's your first 'multi relation ship/ divorce/ separated/ step children everywhere/ hidden agenda ' type! Good luck and happy Christmas. It'll all be over soon!
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