From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
DO UNTO OTHERS as you would have them do unto you is wrong!! When it comes to communicating.
People want you to communicate with them the way they want to be communicated with.
Communication breakdowns lie at the heart of most problems between people - especially couples in relationships. And even within people as they fail to communicate effectively with themselves.
The ability to communicate - that is to listen and really hear what someone else is saying; and then make sure when you communicate back that your verbal message is matched by your nonverbal message - is fundamental to successful relationships.
We are taught to talk not to communicate.
In any situation where your verbal and non verbal messages are in conflict, the person with whom you are communicating will pick up and work with the non verbal message you are sending out.
One of the key issues to pay attention to is metamessages. Metamessages are the real meaning behind the other person’s words. Ask yourself “what does this person really want from me?”. If you do this and then watch carefully and listen intently (that means keeping your internal dialogue off!), you will have a much better chance of accurately understanding the other person’s message. And reducing the stress of conflict and misunderstandings.
When it comes to men and women communicating, it’s important to realize we speak different languages completely. Yes, yes I know we all sound as if we are speaking English - but we are all speaking different dialects of English - especially when emotions are involved!
Are you familiar with this scenario.....man and woman driving in the car. Man is driving. She says would you like a cup of coffee? (What she means is ...I feel like a cup of coffee, could we discuss it?)
He thinks she means Do you want a cup of coffee?........thinks about it and answers “no, thanks”.
He then detects a stony silence from her.
She is thinking “You selfish pig”
He wonders “what did I do?”
Men spend a lot of their time thinking “what did I do?”!
You see, women know that other women when they ask “would you like a cup of coffee”, they really mean “I would like a cup of coffee. Could we discuss what sort and where?”! And so we start a conversation, creating another opportunity for intimacy or communication or relating.
Men are much more literal than women - so ladies , if you would like him to understand what you really mean, you usually have to say what you mean directly! He’ll appreciate it usually - men seem to resent having to read minds.
Mind you (so to speak!) some men think women are capable of avoiding all speech while still intuitively understanding the man’s feeling at any given moment!
Women tend to use talking as a way of creating intimacy. Men think we analyze everything! There is a halfway / common ground somewhere that breeds great relationships.
Before I am molested as a fascist gender basher let me assure you that there are all levels of these differences - some people even reverse the roles - the man talks and the women craves ‘silent communication’! But generally speaking , the differences and patterns of behavior as I have described are more common than not.
And understand that if you want someone else to change , you will wait forever - no matter how much you want them to change! Your best bet is to think about your behaviors and change them in some way and watch how the other person changes in response. More of that in a later column.
So....remember that you are speaking a different language from most people of the opposite sex. Try to establish codes that you both understand. And for goodness sake, ASK what they mean before you assume you know it. (and then have a huge fight...that saves you talking for the next week anyway!)_
Remember, “do unto others ...” is wrong when it comes to communicating. Find out HOW the other person wants you to communicate with them and notice the results
react to and their needs different languages completely!
really You need to let us know that you are thinking - we can’t guess! General studies show that men actually talk more than women in life - women talk more on relationship based issues. it which usually leads to . At least
Think about love. We all give love the way we want to receive it; the way we grew up being shown love. Remember your partner came from a totally different background and may never have been exposed to the same things you were exposed to. And you think you are being so loving (doing what you unconsciously learned to do in your family) and wonderful when to your horror you find out your partner is not happy and wants out! The most important question I think you can ask in a relationship is “What do I do that makes you feel I love you?”. Those exact words and listen very carefully to the answer. Write down the answers so you remember over time. And then you will really know how your partner wants to be loved. And you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache!
When was the last time you consciously thought about how you were communicating and therefore what you were communicating? Start to notice this non verbal level. When ever you feel someone is saying something that doesn’t quite seem right or your gut feeling tells you something is wrong - trust it! Your subconscious mind is very accurate in picking up non verbal messages. This should alert you to hidden messages, agendas , ulterior motives, or a confused person.
