From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
JUST SAY THANK YOU
I recently wrote an article on making people feel special and one of the suggestions I made was to compliment others (and yourself) on their appearance, accomplishments, possessions, children etc. And I was reminded of HOW people give compliments or praise or positive feedback.
It's such a rare event in our society to compliment others that Australians are generally lousy at accepting compliments! For example,
"Oh, what a lovely dress you are wearing"
Goodness, this old thing? I've had it for years.
Your hair looks good.
I don't know how - I washed it and couldn't do anything with it!
That's great work.
Well, it could have been better.
See what I mean? If you go to another culture - European or American and give someone a compliment they graciously say 'thank you'. Which not only acknowledges your comment as valuable but also indicates that the person has healthy self esteem.
We Aussies seem to think that complimenting others or gracefully accepting a compliment means we are condescending, have a 'big head' or we are 'smart arses' or 'stuck up'! So how can we change the way we think and behave?
Firstly, be aware of when you are given a compliment and of your reaction to it. Stop yourself saying the usual self deprecating comment and try saying "thank you". It may feel uncomfortable initially but hang in there! You'll get better with practice. Perhaps you could try in the mirror first! Look at yourself and give yourself a compliment and , looking back at yourself , say thank you. I know it sounds bizarre but it's a good place to start if it's too scary to start in public!
Secondly, give others compliments. They will love it! And you will see how good it feels if someone acknowledges your opinion, rather than belittling your comment. The way you give the compliment often influences how well it is received.
Most of us have such nasty self talk, ready to criticize anything we do or say that when someone says something complimentary to us we internally disbelieve what was said. That's often because we give a general comment like...."You look good". This gives the average negative, low self esteem person plenty of ammunition to combat your comment - either inside their heads or out loud.
But if you give feedback in a more specific way, you will find they can accept it more graciously - When you X, you look Y, because Z. Or This is a fabulous X, because Y. For example,
"When you wear that blue color, your eyes look fantastic because the blue really enhances the color of your eyes. "
" This is a wonderful meal - the potatoes are cooked just the way I like them and you have obviously given great thought to presentation. Thank you."
"What a terrific tie / suit / outfit, it really suits your color; shows off your lovely figure/ great shape" etc etc.
I'm sure you can think of many examples of how you could give more specific comments to people about any aspects of their life. But back to the 'Thank you" - with a smile.
If you keep putting someone who gives (or gave) you compliments down, they will soon stop doing it. This often happens in a relationship. People are often reluctant to give their partner a compliment - they tell me "if I said that to my wife/husband/partner they'd laugh at me and say "what do you want?".
What a sad state of affairs! At the start of most relationships, we load compliments/ praise onto the partner we are busy trying to impress. If these comments are not well received we quickly learn to stop giving them because we feel uncomfortable (read stupid or offended) with the response.
It's already a risk for most people to even give a compliment, so lets make it easier for them. Consciously, make the effort to listen for (and give) compliments and when someone else is brave enough to tell you what they really feel, take a big breath and graciously say a simple "Thank you" and smile.
