”People will forget what you say, people will forget what you do, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” Source Unknown
At the beginning of this year, I was asked to speak for a number of companies who had me as their speaker the previous year. They wanted, of course, a completely different presentation from the year before and I was interested in creating something that was a ‘sequel’ to ‘Live out Loud.” Something that would take what the delegates had learned to a different level and I wanted to present information that was useful both for work and home.
And that was how “Lead Out Loud - Leading with the Heart” was born, so to speak! How to lead more inspiringly at work, be a better parent and be able to lead yourself!
In planning what I should say, I looked at the latest leadership strategies and trends. What new ideas did leaders need to hear, and what skills did they need to develop in the precious time that they give up to listen to a speaker?
Daniel Goleman, author of the excellent book, Emotional Intelligence wrote an article in a December 2001 special edition of The Harvard Business Review entitled “Breakthrough Leadership, it’s Personal.” In this, he highlights the critical nature of the way a leader knows him or herself, their moods and how they handle their emotions, in other words their emotional intelligence.
I tried to find funny ways of presenting similarly important information. Here is a limited summary of what I thought would help us to be great leaders and it incorporates the points made in my newest presentation, “Lead Out Loud”. (The list is not in great detail as we have had some suggestions that my newsletters need to be shorter so I am trying!)
- Be authentic; be real . Connect your heart with other people’s hearts. This is how people grow the best, and that is a leader’s real work, to help people grow and develop.
- Acknowledge and reward others; make them feel important. “People will forget what you say, they will forget what you do, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Author Unknown (wish I had thought of it first!)
- Have a positive spirit. Which is much more than just a positive attitude. A positive attitude comes from the head; a positive spirit from the heart, I did say that one! Your mood will affect your team more than you can ever imagine, read that Harvard Business Review.
- Be a good-finder (a term used by Mark Craig, my pastor). Learn to actively look for the good in every situation and in every person, all the time.
- Reframe situations so you and others can see the advantages of a difficult situation. Just like changing the frame and mounting around a print or painting can transform the painting, we can change the context of a communication or situation, and its meaning is transformed - just like the painting.
- Know yourself. Find your purpose in life. Do ‘work’ rather than just have a ‘job’.
- Connect heart to heart. “The door to your heart can only be opened from the inside,” Holeman Hunt . You will really touch others when you are able to connect heart to heart.
- Do the right thing. Character is doing the right thing always - ‘even when no body else is watching,’ author unknown, (again, darn it wasn’t me!). Do you put the shopping cart back from the parking lot? Hmmm? Do you park in disabled car spaces when you are not disabled? Do you take ‘little’ things from the office that belongs to the company? Stop it!!
- Be careful how you are programming yourself. Be aware of what you are saying to yourself, as what you say is programming your mind. For example, do you say “I never remember names?' Or “I can’t sell,” or “I’ll never make the grade"? Be very careful, the subconscious mind is very literal and if you tell it something repeatedly, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy! When you ‘hear’ yourself using negative language in your head, say to yourself, ‘if you say so!” You will be surprised at how well it works. You can use it when you or another person says something negative out loud. IF YOU SAY SO stops them in their tracks!
- ‘Use judgment, don’t make judgment,’ Evan Enkelmann .
- Understand the process of communicating, not just the content . The process is much more important.
- Ask more questions and listen more carefully . People think you are fascinating when you ask them lots of questions! And asking stops you from assuming, which always leads to problems with communication.
- ‘Listen with your eyes for feelings,’ Stephen Covey
- Ask ‘what do I do that makes you feel I appreciate what you do here? ’ and notice the positive results!
- Imagine that everyone you meet is wearing a banner across their forehead that says ‘make me feel special’ and do it!
- Unwind before you arrive home, you need to give your family as much energy and caring, if not more, than you give those at work.
- Honor others .
- Be aware of your non-verbal communication, it’s MUCH more powerful than words. What you are thinking about another person is transmitted across to them via your non-verbals! Better make sure you are thinking good thoughts about them if you want an easy meeting!
- En-courage others, which means give them courage and make them feel good about themselves.
- Tell people when they make a difference to your life ! Give them a ribbon that says ‘you make a difference” - it’s corny but effective!
- Celebrate the successes and big efforts of others! Have fun, be joyful at work and home. Many great businesses are built on the basis of love and fun. A perfect example is Southwest Airlines, consistent growth and profit when all the rest are failing. Hmm. Sounds like great leadership to me.
These ideas apply whether you are leading your children and family as a parent, leading yourself through your life, or leading others at work. One of the stories I tell in this presentation that has a deep impact is sadly, not mine! I cannot find the original author as it was one of those internet stories, if you know who wrote it please tell me! The story is a about a teacher who asks her students to go out and acknowledge 3 different people for helping them, or making a contribution in the students' life. She gives them blue ribbons that say ‘I make a difference’ and the students were told to pin the ribbons on the people they selected to honor.
One young student went to a place where he had done intern work and pinned the manager who had helped him the most. He described how the manager had encouraged him and thanked him. Then he asked the recipient to do the same with another ribbon and to ask the next person to pass on a third ribbon.
The manager thought about this and went to his boss, who was generally known as very grumpy. He pinned the ribbon on him, saying how much he respected his boss’s creative genius and he wanted to thank him. The surprised boss was then asked to do the same with a person he wanted to acknowledge.
Driving home, the boss decided he would give it to his son. On arriving home, he sat down with his son and said, ‘son, I know that your mother and I have been very busy and that I don’t often pay attention to you and your needs. So I just wanted to tell you how much I love you and respect you and what a great son you are to us. I want to pin this ribbon on you because other than your mother, you are the most important person in my life.’
At this, the boy started sobbing and told his father that upstairs he would find a suicide note that the boy had written to his parents. When all was quiet that night he said he was going to kill himself, as he thought his parents did not care about him. As both hugged each other and cried, their lives changed that minute.
You never know what effect you will have on someone else if you make them feel special, if you are kind to them, have a positive spirit, acknowledge them, give them time, or do any of the things in the list above. You WILL make a difference if you practice the list and people will remember you for how you made them feel!
(P.S. We have special kits that come with 36 ribbons if you decide you need several of them!)
