From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
Looking After Parents
Last week a woman approached me after a conference presentation and said what about the stress of taking care of our elderly parents? In her case, as with many baby boomers, she had a job, a husband, teenage children and 85 year old mother to look after. She was very tired!
This is a growing problem or issue and one that deserves some planning to better prepare our parents for their most mature years. And therefore lessen our responsibilities as caretakers. Better to think about ourselves as care givers than care takers!
Firstly, lets explore the way most people in our society age. They mostly ignore their health until a crisis occurs - heart attack, cancer or back problems or some other significant disease process. Then they launch into a better lifestyle which after time may or may not slip back to average lifestyle!
Combine that with the general belief that as we age, we should be more careful about exercise; we should slow down and 'take it easy'. WRONG! Aging causes our muscle fibres to slightly lessen in number but it doesn't mean our muscles must become weak. Weak muscles become weak because we stop exercising them. We must spread the word that oldies (and youngies) must continue exercising all their lives.
My amazing Mum is 72. She has a personal trainer. She didn't want a personal trainer to start with but I helped her make that decision to give it a try! From taking anti inflammatory drugs every day, she now has one mild pain killer a couple of times a month. Going to the gym and exercising, makes her feel more flexible, more confident , helps her self esteem, helped eliminate depression after my Dad's death, gives her something to do and social support. She now takes a couple of her friends along as well. Way to go Mum!
Not only that but the likelihood of her falling and breaking something is much less as she is stronger, walks with more confidence and her bones will be becoming more dense. And she doesn't just do all gentle stuff - she pumps iron! And swims. Help your parents start this process no matter how old they are - once they are used to it, they'll love it! Yoga is another fabulous exercise for anyone - make sure it's a moderately vigorous form so they build muscles as well as flexibility.
Then there's the arena of mental exercise. We don't just turn into vegetables without work you know! It's takes a lot of watching TV and never doing anything else. Encourage your parents to do cryptic crosswords, take up a hobby, go back to Uni and study, take a part time job - anything to stimulate them mentally. Ask them to help you research projects - you both benefit that way. (PS did you know in Sweden they pay people to have their amalgam fillings taken out because the health costs of removing them are vastly less than treating the mental and physical symptoms in later years?).
And never forget diet. Many older folks are actually suffering from malnutrition because they don't shop or cook regularly. Ensure they are on a good regime of antioxidants, vitamins and minerals and that they eat a lot of whole grains (like organic brown rice) and plenty of a variety of vegetables. Tea and toast does not make for a rich energy source for our bodies and brains.
Many older people are frustrated (which they take out on you) because they feel useless and are not treated as worthwhile humans capable of making a contribution. So they use emotional blackmail (often unintentionally) or become depressed which then makes it difficult to get them to do anything. Exercise is a great depression buster. And for our part, we must learn to master our guilt!
Being wise selfish is a lesson the Dalai Lama teaches - and I think it's essential when it comes to caretaking anyone. If we don't look after ourselves when we need to, how can we expect to continue caring for others. Our attitude changes, we become resentful and unconsciously take it out on others who respond and we spiral down into a world of difficulty, hardship and anger - and no one benefits. So learn to manage your own stress; recognize your own needs and respect them; take time out so that when you do spend time with your parents (partners, children, friends) you are glad to be with them and you are both happier.
So prepare now! Encourage your parents (even if they are 50!) to start living again - help them find ways to exercise physically and mentally; make sure they have a nutrition rich diet and take anti oxidants and the necessary supplements; talk to them about your feelings - you may be surprised, they may even understand; recognize old family emotional patterns you are falling into and side step them; recognize guilt and (although it sounds new age) see them for love not because you feel guilty (and therefore resentful and angry) ; try to have fun with them and enjoy the time you have with them.
Hire a personal trainer or a life coach - for them and for you!
