(And Why They Are Running Your Life Right Now!)
Hello everyone!
Have you ever been in a conversation that started out perfectly reasonably, and somehow within about three minutes it has completely blown up and you have no idea how you got there? Or have you ever caught yourself reacting to something your partner, your colleague, or your boss said and thinking afterwards "WHY did I say that? What is wrong with me?!"
Well, I have some very good news and some slightly confronting news for you, and I am going to give you both at once!
The good news is that it is not really your fault.
The confronting news is that you have a Terrified Toddler living inside your head, and they have been running the show for most of your adult life without you even knowing it! Think unconscious mind! (Take a look at the image below. Does any of that look familiar to you?!)
You Were Born Love. Did You Know That?
Think about a newborn baby for a moment. Actually, think about any baby or toddler you have ever loved and watched. What are they, at their absolute core, before life starts offering them 'learning experiences'? They are pure love, aren't they!
They are joy and curiosity and absolute openness. They have no judgment, no agenda, no defences. A baby doesn't come into the world thinking "I wonder if I am good enough?" They just ARE. Perfectly, completely, wonderfully enough. And so were YOU, once upon a time, even if it doesn't feel remotely like that on a Tuesday morning when everything is going wrong!
Here is what I know after decades of working with hundreds of thousands of people all around the world. We are all born love. It is our essence, our core, the truest thing about us. But in our first 7 years, we, as toddlers, perceive various events in only the way toddlers can perceive! Very self-centric and not very wise!
We forget we are love. Loveable and loved. Then 'scary, confusing things' happen. Moments where we felt ignored, or criticised, or left out, or not chosen, or frightened. Mostly frightened!
And our little one or four year old brain did what it had to do to make sense of all of that. It made up a story.
And here we are, decades later, still living by that story. Running a toddler's operating system on a grown adult's life!
No wonder things get complicated and confusing sometimes!
The Three Core Fears Your Toddler Lives By
In my experience, and I have been doing this work for a very long time now, almost every relationship problem, every workplace conflict, every communication breakdown, every moment where you feel miserable, lonely, afraid, completely lose the plot and say something you regret, comes back to one of three core fears that got planted when you were tiny.
The first one is "I am not good enough / I am not worth loving."
This is probably the most common one I see, and I see it everywhere, in boardrooms and bedrooms and everywhere in between! It drives perfectionism, overworking, people pleasing, and a constant nagging feeling that you are always about to be "found out." Does any of that sound at all familiar?! This is the one that makes perfectly rational adults suddenly behave in ways that make no sense whatsoever to anyone around them, including themselves.
It drives jealousy, neediness, isolation, loneliness, clinginess, pushing people away before they can leave first, and sabotaging beautiful relationships to prove that the fear was right all along. (I know this one very personally so I am not judging anyone! In fact, I know most of them!)
The second one is "I am unsafe in some way." And this one is a humdinger! It leads to all sorts of controlling behaviors; desires to know outcomes so we feel safe; a desperate running away from any kind of uncertainty; huge stress and anxiety. And basically constant exhaustion from being on red alert!
The third one is a fear of separation, "I don't belong, I don't fit in." Of being left behind, excluded. Humans are tribal beings!! We need community, to feel we belong somewhere and it's instinct! The sad part is that the truth is we are never separate!
In the quantum world we are all connected all the time. Think of the last time you had the thought, 'gosh, I haven't heard from John for a while'... and that day or the next, John contacts you! Separation is an illusion, designed to keep you in fear! Connect, connect, connect, your head to your heart and your heart to other hearts. It will save your life!
Most of us are completely unconscious of these fears. Yet they rule our lives and create patterns of behavior. We don't walk around thinking "ah yes, my core abandonment wound is being triggered right now." We just suddenly feel FURIOUS, or desperately hurt, or completely shut down, or insecure, or that people are upset with us, and we have no idea why.
And neither does the person we are talking to, which is why conversations go from "I just need us to work better together" to "YOU NEVER LISTEN, I AM NOT IMPORTANT!" in about forty five seconds flat! (Sound familiar? Look at the picture again!)
And then again, the self-fulfilling prophecy (core fear story) proves right. Our relationship breaks down (cos we are not worth loving) or we lose our job (cos we are not good enough) etc etc...
What Your Terrified Toddler Actually Needs
Here is what is so sad, and I mean this genuinely. Look at that image above once more. Both of those people are saying something completely reasonable on the outside. "I just need us to work better together." "I just want to feel more supported." Those are not unreasonable things to want! But their terrified toddlers have grabbed the microphone and what is actually coming OUT is accusation, defensiveness, and a broken heart crackling with lightning bolts between them.
Because what the toddler is really saying is "I am terrified I am not important to you" and "I am terrified I am not worth loving and you are going to leave." And those things are almost impossible to say out loud as an adult, so instead we REACT. We control, we attack, we shut down, we over explain, we storm off, or we go very quiet in that particular way that everyone around us knows is not actually quiet at all!
The toddler is not trying to make your life difficult. They are trying to keep you SAFE. That is all they have ever been doing. They just told themselves the wrong stories about thirty years ago and nobody has updated the software since.
Three Things You Can Do Right Now
So what do you actually do with all of this, today? Here are three simple things that will genuinely change things if you use them.
The next time you feel yourself starting to react in a way that is bigger than the situation really warrants, stop for just a moment and ask yourself "how old do I feel right now?" Not how old you ARE, how old you FEEL. Because I guarantee you it is not your actual age! Check to see if the adult is present, breathing and responding, or if the toddler is frantically putting up a shield!
If it feels like about four, your toddler has shown up and they need a moment of comfort, not an argument. Take three slow breaths, exhale deeply, put your hand on your heart if you can do it without feeling completely ridiculous (and even if you do feel ridiculous, do it anyway!), and just acknowledge to yourself "my little one is scared right now. I need to tell her she's (or he's) ok!" That is it. You do not have to do anything else with it in that moment. Just naming it changes everything.
The second thing is this. Start getting curious about your own three core fears rather than just reacting from them. Which one resonates most with you? "I am not good enough," "I am not worth loving," or "I am unsafe or separate"? Work out what story raised its head.
Because once you know which one is your dominant story, you can start to see how it plays out everywhere. Why certain comments sting so much more than they should. Why you respond to certain people in certain ways. Why some situations send you completely sideways while other people seem totally unbothered. You are not broken. You are not weak. You are a person with a terrified toddler inside, and now you can see them, you can choose differently.
If you then work out (roughly) when the story started, it helps to reduce its impact! You don't have to dive in deeply and re-traumatise yourself! Just recall when it started and you will understand that the story you told yourself was not the truth. It was merely the best story the toddler could come up with at that time! Just understanding that seems to make a big shift!
The third part was given to me by Dr David Martin who said to add this question: who benefited? Who benefited from the toddler telling themselves the story? Was it really you? Or was it another family member? In my case, I told myself I was not worth loving (actually I got the trifecta!!) and that as a consequence I was responsible for my mother's happiness! My mother benefited greatly, even though she didn't ask for it! But it was not such a great thing for me in the long run! Sometimes understanding this dynamic changes everything as well!
The Heart of All of This
If we all communicated from our hearts instead of from our terrified toddlers, relationships would be so much easier. Not perfect, because people are people and life is life!
But so much more connected and so much more honest and kind. When we communicate heart to heart, we hear what someone is actually saying underneath all the noise. We understand that the person who is attacking us is actually frightened. We understand that the person who went very quiet is actually hurting. And we can respond to THAT, instead of just firing back with our own toddler's ammunition!
You are pure love underneath all of those stories. So is the person in front of you, even when they are making you absolutely crazy. And when you can remember that, even for a moment, everything gets a little more compassionate, patient and understanding.
Your terrified toddler has done an incredible job of protecting you all these years. It is time to give them a rest, wrap them up in a warm blanket, and let the adult run the show for a while! As David said to me "you have lived 62 years of your life based on the story of a two year old. Do you want to keep going?"
It was a pivotal moment to say the least!!! Apply it to yourself and see what your answer is!!!
You've got this. And your toddler is loving the concept that they can chill and relax and play, at last!!
Want to go deeper on this?
This is one of the core frameworks in JQ Joy Intelligence and I bring it to life in keynotes, leadership labs, and executive retreats in ways that are funny, practical, and genuinely transformative. Come and find out more at amandagore.com!
Zooties, Amanda
PS. Send this to anyone you know whose terrified toddler has been running the show lately! (That is probably most people you know, to be honest!)
PPS. Next time, I will share more of the practical tools for working with your inner toddler. Stay tuned!
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