From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
138 Resolution
As a subscriber to The Executive Book Summaries, I receive two book summaries a month from the USA. One of the best I have read recently is from a book called “Getting to Resolution” by Stewart Levine.
It also appeared at a very relevant time in my life (as these things have a way of doing!) when I found myself in a delicate family situation requiring repair, or resolution. Just as I was about to launch into the fray demanding apologies etc, I read this summary and it transformed the way I was approaching the situation.
One of the key components of resolution according to the author, is to have an ‘attitude of resolution’. In other words, explore the way you are thinking about any conflict you wish to settle, are you approaching it with a ‘apologize or die’ mentality? A ‘win at all costs’ mentality? Or ‘I’ll make the <b#@*s> pay for this’ approach? If you are, it’s not smart!
We need to go in with a genuine desire to come to some agreeable or at least acceptable arrangement that leaves both or all parties satisfied. We need to want to resolve the issue. Fortunately, I saw the error of my ways just before I had my meeting and found the whole process much easier, and am sure the outcome was very different as a result of my ‘attitude of resolution’.
Levine quotes Gandhi, “If we keep following the idea of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, then we will end up with an eyeless and toothless world.”!
Another interesting point he makes is on truth. Levine states that ‘there are many truths in every situation’; and he suggests the during the resolution process everyone is reminded that ‘what they say and hear may not be “THE truth” but is THEIR truth.’
How many times have we held onto a concept or belief knowing we are right, ours is THE truth, when really it is just what we believe to be true. Others, of course, hold similarly strong beliefs that what they believe is ‘the truth’. Recognizing this encourages us to consider all sides of the argument and the different perspectives which may facilitate early and rapid resolution.
Which leads to a key point in how we listen to the others parties’ points of view. It’s best when we can really appreciate the concerns of the other parties involved. To sincerely convey we have some empathy with their issues, we have to really understand them, we may not accept them but we must acknowledge them.
Letting go of the past is another ‘biggie’! Whilst we dwell on the injustices of the past; wallow in the wrongs or perils or evils done to us , we’ll never be able to adopt the appropriate ‘attitude of resolution’. So , deep breathe and see the past fading away and begin to create a clearer future, the outcome you want from settling the conflict.
Timing is also critical. While driving through the Riverlands in South Australia with a charming and intelligent woman last week, we were discussing this very issue! Her much loved and wise father, had ingrained in her his philosophy of ‘it’s time’. He always believed things happened because it ‘was time’, the right time - for them to happen. And although it seemed wrong or unjust or unfair, the reason was always valid, it was time! This belief had helped Wendy through many difficult situations.
Levine also quotes Lao Tzu , one of my all time favorites, a Chinese philosopher - who asked “Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?
Is there any conflict in your life right now? Any little family disharmony? Do you have an ‘attitude of resolution’ towards it? And is it the right time to embark on the path to resolution? Buy Levine’s book before you start, it’s well worth the read.
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