From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
5 THE BUM
Well, I bet most of you have been waiting for this. An opportunity to find out about the intricacies of your innermost.....bowels. Yes, your inner derriere. The center of some people's personalities! Ha, ha just joking - stop any ideas you have of writing to the paper and complaining.
Bowel cancer is endemic (big medical word meaning lots of) in our society. It's a real problem that affects most households in some way, at some stage in their lives. Especially if there is a family history. So why are we not spreading the word on 'bum wellness'? Why do we only give people the 'warning signs of bowel cancer'? The signs that tell you there is already something wrong in a major way.
How many people wake up in the morning and utter these immortal words 'I wonder how my bum is this morning?'. Not many. And we should. Most people never spend thirty seconds thinking about the wellness of their bottom bits until one day they go to the loo and suddenly ..... 'oooh , that didn't feel right' ; they have a look and off they rush terrified to the doctor who says 'sorry, it's too late , half your bum's rotted away'.
Of course , I wouldn't write a comment like that in an up market and sophisticated newspaper like the Age and most doctors would be far more caring and serious and suggest a new body. Or a lobotomy to help with the pain. Ha ha just joking again!
Anyway, enough about the down side - let's look how we can keep our bum in great shape and KNOW that it is. After many discussions with GI specialists (no, not military personnel - gastroenterologists - big medical word meaning doctors who know lots about your guts), I have discovered this well kept secret.
You will know your bum is in great shape when you have ....(drum roll) ....fluffy floaties. There, I said it. Out loud and in public. Fluffy floaties are essential - as opposed to stinky sinkies. If you are one of those people who comes out of the loo and calls out 'don't go in there for a week!', you are in fact, in deep doo doo. And you MUST eat more fibre , fruit, vegetables , bran and do some more exercise. Change your eating habits until you have those fabulous FFs.
Now, it's not just any old FFs; people after conferences rush up to me proudly proclaiming that they have to 'flush 8 times'! Not good team, because it usually means there's too much fat in there. They need to be (WARNING: I'm going to be very direct , so those of you who are squeamish out there, skip the next few lines) a standard size, a standard color and instead of floating right on top and almost waving goodbye as you flush, or sinking solidly and rapidly straight to the bottom , they need to be 'submarines'. That is, half way between top and bottom.
Of course, there is a little (not much) controversy about FFs and SSs. But all the Doctors I spoke to liked the idea that we looked daily at what was happening 'down there' and should we notice any consistent change we should seek expert advice immediately. This expert advice should not come from our mates at the pub or the local ladies reading group.
One of the reasons I proclaim the virtues of fluffy floaties as widely as I do is a) cos it's true according to the medical experts I spoke to and b) it's a way of you remembering me (and this newspaper) every day for the rest of your lives! Once someone tells you about FFs it's impossible to go to the loo again and not have just the tiniest , quickest glance to see what's happening down there!
The other aspect I 'd like to bring up at this point is a difference between men and women in the nether regions. Why is it that men feel flatulence is a 'thing to be shared'? Why can't they just quietly (as women do) get on with it. And preferably escape to a distant place upwind to avoid annihilation of their partner. Why must they shake the doona to make sure that she suffocates?
Or let everyone know that they just 'can't help themselves - it had to come out.' Is it testosterone? (You are now, dear reader, wondering what sort of men I know. A good point. And of course, I'm generalising. Probably the bulk of the men our there are surrounded with women who compete with men in this flatulence arena.) Or maybe I have discovered some previously unrecognised, or long forgotten, territorial marking , secret weapon of men. Anyway, whatever the reason I wish they would do it outside!
Oh, just one more tip. Apparently, lots of older women in particular have trouble fully emptying their bladders. And the addition of a stool that wraps around the pedestal and allows the more mature women to rest their feet and have their knees higher than their hips has a dramatic effect on the emptying of the bladder.
Well, it also appears to help bowel movements. (A medical term meaning number 2's). With our Western society sophistication , we now can sit on a throne rather than squatting over a hole in the ground. (The preferred method in lower socioeconomic status countries) Most people would applaud this apparent 'advance'. But hold your acclaim. The sophisticated sitting up technique seems to 'kink' (flash medical term meaning kink) our bowel bits. So we strain and puff and exert huge pressures on that region. Not good. a) it hurts, b) it gives us haemorrhoids and c) we might explode.
So next time you're in the 'stress management center for men' (just kidding guys) , instead of reading all those magazines, pile them up under your feet so your knees are higher than your hips and see how much easier the whole process becomes!
