Have you ever wondered about how we show someone we love them and where we learned how to give love? If we stop and think about it, there are no lessons on 'love giving' at school! And who asks us about how we would like to be loved?
With Valentine's day there is a wild flurry of activity - sending flowers, doing things we think the other person would like (not usually asking them or finding out in previous conversations what they would really like!) ; we surprise them, be loving (in our own way) etc. And it may all be wasted! Well, perhaps not wasted - just not as appreciated as it could have been.
You see, the old bible saying 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you' does not always work when it comes to communication. Other people do not want you to do unto them what you would have done unto you. They want you to do unto them what THEY want you to do unto them!
Couples split up and when interviewed separately , they often both maintain that they showered each other with love and affection - and the sad thing is that they probably did. But they showered with the love and affection that they would have liked to receive - not necessarily what the other person really wanted, or could interpret as loving.
And it's not as if it's a conscious thing. We learn how to give love from our parents. By watching them together and by our experiences with them. For example, my wonderful mother sends me a Valentine's day card! And in our family we have a tradition of demonstrative loving and affection and it's OK to say 'I love you'.
If you come from a family like this and start dating/ partner up with someone whose family is into handshakes after not seeing each other for five years, then the problems can begin!
Reflect for a minute about what happened on Valentines day. Were you given love the way you wanted it to be given? In reality, you are probably thinking "I've never thought about it!" and possibly 'what a stupid question!'. It's an important issue for you to think about yourself and a critical issue to discuss with someone you love. Or are even interested in. Or want to have interested in you!
One of the most important questions I think we can ask each other is "what do I do that makes you feel I love you' and then listen very carefully and write down the answers. (Make sure you ask it in this exact way - it is easier to answer). Discuss this article and the concept first because people need time to think about the answer. It's not your average , everyday conversation starter! Give yourself a couple of days to reflect and then make it a dinner table discussion. Or a sit down on Sunday and talk with the children type session. It would be wonderful to educate our children to think in this way.
You may be surprised at the answers you hear. Behaviors or words or actions that mean very little to you can be the thing that makes your partner feel loved, safe and secure. For women, it's often words or touch. Men are much more visual than women - generally speaking. So that may give you some hints. For some people, it can be a spontaneous phone call to say I love you; or recognizing you are tired and arranging for someone to deliver a home cooked meal; an unexpected bunch of flowers; a massage; holding hands; sleeping cuddled up; cards and notes hidden in unexpected places; wearing favorite clothes - anything that you do that makes them feel you love them.
What if you feel uncomfortable doing what they say indicates to them that you love them? Get used to it! How much more special is the gesture when they know you (initially) feel uncomfortable yet you try to change your behavior because it means a lot to your partner. Major brownie point scoring opportunity here!
In the early romantic days of new relationships, we display delight at anything the other person does! Whether it makes us feel loved or not - we interpret it as loving anyway! As the relationship stabilises our real selves emerge and we may feel unloved even though our partners adore us. They just don't know how to let us know that.
As soon as you can, have this conversation with your partner and /or children and family. And have an annual update. Things may change or people may become more aware as time goes by of things you do that make them feel loved. Keep adding them to your list. Make it OK to say on an ongoing basis, 'what you just did then made me feel great /loved / safe'. Both of you need to make sure you put this new information to good use and practice the new behaviors until they come easily. Enjoy! This could be great fun!
