Here is a different focus for all of you on this Valentine's Day!
Intimacy is something we all crave and yet many of us (men and women) find it uncomfortable or frightening, because it requires us to be vulnerable. And intimacy, as usual with important things in life, starts at home and with the self.
Do you have a close, loving family? Do you share feelings and emotions and special moments? Do you feel there is respect for you as an individual and for your feelings? Are you unconditionally accepted (as opposed to being loved)? If you do, then you are probably comfortable with intimacy. If not, is it something we can learn?
I think so. But we need to find "safe" people - people we trust to keep our confidences and secrets; someone we know will accept us despite our thinking. We need "safe" environments - a time and place to go to when we do become vulnerable (a big part of intimacy), so we are not just exposing our soft underbellies to someone wielding a big knife!
This concept of "safety" is paramount for growth, harmony and intimacy with others. Safe places and people are oases in the vast desert of life, where we can replenish ourselves, nurture and explore other aspects of our personalities.
You can recognize a "safe" person by the way you feel when you are around them. It's easy; no stress; you know that what you say will not be taken out of context; you will not be judged or condemned; you feel at peace and relaxed; somehow it just feels "right;" you are more energized as you walk away; you know they like and/or love you. You know that if you make yourself vulnerable to these safe people or in this place, no harm will come to you.
Learning intimacy requires practice. In a safe place or with safe people, start sharing small secrets, feelings, or ideas initially, experiencing that we are OK, the other person is OK and then taking bigger steps - just like learning any new skill. To me, intimacy comes when we share a part of ourselves with another person - a part we would not necessarily share with anyone else. So this person is special and different - someone we really trust, respect and care about. And they feel the same way about us.
In Deepak Chopra's wonderful book, The Path to Love, he has some very interesting insights into the various kinds of intimacy - particularly intimacy with ourselves, which is the penultimate! This book is a must for a better understanding of love in our society. He suggests there are four phases to romance: attraction, infatuation, courtship and intimacy. And these precede the "next stage of love's journey, relationship."
For me, intimacy is not just the most common and literal understanding that comes from the physical act of sex. What is much more important is emotional intimacy! For women and men, although men may not be as aware of its importance. In fact, the loss of this intimacy is one of the reasons men often die shortly after their long term life partner dies - because they have no one else with whom to share intimate thoughts and, more importantly, their true selves.
My definition of emotional intimacy is the ability to be absolutely yourself…and know that it's OK! The ability to say what you think and more importantly, express how you feel and be accepted - maybe not agreed with - but accepted.
No doubt there are many different sorts of intimacy. The intimacy that comes from sharing our body with another person - that moment when the two combine and "become one." This is a very precious by-product of a loving and caring relationship. It is possible to have sex without intimacy, which might be OK for some; but to "make love", into which is poured all the feelings, respect and caring you have for the other person - this is truly the formula for an earth moving experience! And intimacy is the secret ingredient.
This reminds me of a Valentine's Day card I once saw - the front said "Flowers, cards, candy - they're all OK." Then you open the card and see "but an orgasm, now that's a real present!" What it should really say is - "but true intimacy, now that's a real present!" LOL!
Then there are other forms of intimacy - with friends, family, colleagues (as we share work jokes, etc.), children and ourselves. Intimacy with the self, according to Dr. Chopra, is intimacy with God; and unity or a sense of oneness is a necessary prerequisite for ecstasy. (Amen!)
Remember that intimacy takes time. We need time to know ourselves and really get to know another person. Often we think we know them - in fact, maybe we are even sure we know everything about them - but do we ever really understand another human being completely?
That's part of the excitement of life and relationships! The continual exploration and journey - about ourselves and everyone we love. Intimacy is the gossamer thread of life that keeps us all connected. And feeling connected is one of the secrets to inner peace and joy. Happy Valentine's/Intimacy Day everyone!
