For those of you who are sick of hearing about my journey with the amazing Dr David Martin, stop reading now!
I have talked about a lot lately because what I would like to share with you is what has been happening for me in the hope that there may be value in it for you because the depth of the changes is so different from what now seems superficial work I have done in the past.
David was interviewed by Pat Armitstead, a Joyologist, this week. The interview was about grief, and David created a very useful acrostic:
Gratitude
Reminder
In
Emotional
Form
How brilliant is that?! I have always thought that grief is almost always about us and our sense of loss that we choose to focus on. But what if we honored the life of the person who has passed; or the relationship we just experienced or any other difficult time in life with gratitude? It is after all the master reframe.
When we were having a chat about this interview, he asked me why I had not been sleeping well the last couple of nights. And I didn’t really know. He, with his extraordinary insight, helped me understand that helping my former husband prepare his home for sale had stirred up something in me that had been unconsciously lurking! Keep reading, I tell you what it was below!
I am sharing this with you all (and there is a lot of you and it’s a bit scary to be so vulnerable!!) because I was so fascinated that I would have ZERO awareness of this consciously until it was pointed out and even then, it took considerable time of reflection to actually feel the impact of it.
He helped me understand that I had chosen (unconsciously) to tell myself a story about my life to date that was not very helpful, and one that triggered a very strong brain and body stress response!
So here goes, vulnerable moment coming up! I told myself that my best years of living had already happened. For those of you who don’t know, I am 65 on my next birthday and had never before viewed age as a ‘thing’, I always felt about 23 inside! But something that I suspect was a blend of focusing on what I had lost, feeling I have wasted my opportunities, and thinking I had lived most of my life already started me down the rabbit hole of essentially ‘it’s all downhill from here’!
I can laugh as I write this now, but I am still a work in progress!
It of course is no coincidence that this recorded interview with him launched 2 days after he asked me the question about sleep, and I have included the link below. Trust me, watching this will change the way you view loss, pain, grief - and life. In a great way.
If you choose to, use a sense of grief or loss as an opportunity to reflect with gratitude or to actively look for things for which to be grateful, and focus on them rather than the pain.
The information in the interview also helped me sort out what I actually was feeling and then deal with it way better than I normally would have.
It’s interesting that this has all happened in the lead up to Easter. I (semi) jokingly wonder if there is soon to be a resurrection of my essence; of who I really am. At this moment, I actually have only a few glimpses of who I might be and mainly from doing the work of The Gathering Course which David runs. And no, I don’t get a percentage for people signing up!
I have a better understanding of the core elements or energies that drive me; and I am working on integrating these so I can more consciously choose what I want and what really matters to me, but if you asked me what my essence was today, I might stare blankly at you!
I know this is pretty deep and I might lose many of you at this point, but here is how it might be useful for you in some small way.
I feel like I have lived the first 64 years of my life on the premise of fake stories. The stories I have told myself and believed since I was 3. I managed to make my life very successful business wise, but the rest of it has been not a particularly joyful time!
Do you remember a moment or time that had a significant impact or imprint on you as a small child? If you do, are you able to recall what you told yourself at that time?
Because of something that happened when I was 3, I basically told myself at that time that I was worth nothing. That everything was more important than I was. I certainly wasn't worth loving, according to my story.
To my 3 year old brain, what happened was a clear indication that my parents did not love me and I was unlovable, and worse, worthless.
Of course, this is how the 3 year old perceived the situation and it was very wrong! But when we are little children none of us have the adult ability to see all sides of a situation and understand what is really going on. The way we perceive it becomes truth!
My goal is to clear this obstinate 3 year old belief and emerge as who I really am. To finally feel I am worth loving; to feel that I am worth something; to know I am authentic and not just think I am authentic! To stop feeling like a fraud. To really know myself and what matters to me. To value myself.
I am on a journey to find my true essence and emanate that essence. No, I have not become a space cadet! I am just starting to see way beyond the superficial language our cultures use for much of our self growth and the cultural memes that so deeply influence our views of ourselves and others.
Listen to what you tell yourself. Observe with interest these thoughts that become your stories.
They are like the operating system in a computer, invisible but running everything. The program can be changed but only if you know how to find the program! Observing them gives you choices over whether you want to continue with that story or try another, or even the truth.
Examine your stories. Are they actually true? Were they ever true or were they from the perception of a toddler or child who had no capacity to understand all the elements that were going on at the time when the seed of the story was planted?
Identify your behavioral patterns as they are a clue to your persistent stories. Is there a persistent pattern in relationships? In handling challenges? At work? Is it the pattern you want? It can be changed. By really knowing yourself and seeing that you are indeed astonishing.
Check your ‘labels’. Are you ‘shy’? Really? Are any toddlers living in safety ever shy? Are you ‘difficult’? By whose standards? Are you a ‘loner’ or an ‘introvert’? Many of these labels are based on other people’s perceptions or words.
Take time to reflect on what really matters to you as that gives you clues to your essence.
This sounds easy but I must say I have found it rather challenging. It takes for me, quite a lot of reflection and deep honesty. So far I have come up with: it matters to me that I am kind; conscious; healthy; vibrant; caring; able to really love, for starters. Once I have identified the things that really matter, I can focus on them more.
Find all the areas of shame and guilt and grief and pain and see what message they deliver. Then look at them in this new light, as a Gratitude Reminder In Emotional Form.
Can you find something for which to be grateful in each area? Or more accurately, will you? Because there is always something if we look deeply.
This is very different from my normal newsletter but I am committed to being authentic.
This is a new journey for me. I truly thought I was authentic but I wasn’t! So at this point in my life, this is about as consciously authentic as I can be.
Vulnerablity has not been a strength for me in the past. And it is amazing how it changes everything!
I am also working on not fixing people, which is a totally new way of living for me! And even since the last newsletter, I have discovered that one of the reasons I ‘fix’ people is to validate myself and win approval! At this point, there seem to be a lot of layers I am working on but I am willing and able!
Stay tuned for the changes that come!
So with this newsletter, I am sharing my experience with you and it may or may not help some of you. At nearly 65, I am no longer living according to my old stories. I am finding out how to fully live!
My best years are definitely ahead! Thank you David for giving me this opportunity.
If you would like to listen to David and Pat, here is the link (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpuPed7kuew&t=14s)
Thank you for taking the time to read this long newsletter that doesn’t have a lot of laughter in it! But I hope it has some value for you!
Zooties,
Amanda
