Love and intimacy are the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well. I am not aware of any other factor in medicine - not diet, not smoking, not exercise... not drugs, not surgery - that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness and premature death."
-- Dean Ornish, "Love and Survival: The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy"
Who Loved you?
A quote I read once in a Reader’s Digest attributed to Dr Bernadine Healy caught my attention. She says “people facing death don’t think about what degrees they have earned, what positions they have held or how much wealth they have accumulated. At the end what really matters .. is who you loved and who loved you.”
Ain’t it the truth! What drives most of us for most of our lives is the search for love, of ourselves or others; or the maintenance of love we find. Sure, we can be driven to achieve status, wealth and power but real satisfaction, happiness and joy comes from real love.
So reflect on these questions and see where you are on the ‘love chart’.
- How much do you love yourself? How can you love others if you are unable to love or feel compassion for yourself? What do you say to yourself about yourself, crtitical , harmful comments or positive, forgiving phrases? Treat yourself as you would treat someone precious in your life - as someone you love a great deal.
- Are you a loving person? Do you let others know you love them? How do you do that? Are you thoughtful and caring? If someone is having a difficult time, do you stay in touch and make a special effort to support them? Do you do that in the good times as well? Are you sensitive and do you read between the lines with your loved ones ? Do you detect, without their asking, when they need extra support and nurturing? Do you let others love you?
- Does everyone you love in your life know this loud and clear? Have you ever written them a letter telling them how you feel? Reminding them of special moments you have shared together? Commented on what specific aspects you love about them? Do this for your partners, parents , children and friends. Corny as it sounds, a letter lasts forever (unless they throw it out!) and can be re read a million times, whenever they need support. My nephew Thomas (age 10) wrote a letter to his 8 year old sister in response to a letter she had written to him,
“Dear Clelia,
I am sorry too. I feel like an idiot. I know when I say I hate you it really means I love you with all my heart. So in other words I love YOU.”
Isn’t that beautiful! That affected her AND everyone else around them!
- Do you say ‘I love you’ every day to your partner and children? Because it’s the thing you’ll regret the most if something happens to them that day. And do something that behaviourally shows them you love them daily, a phone call, a special hug or word or action.
- Give people you love time. It’s the most precious commodity we have although we often forget this. If you have heard Harry Chapin’s song “Cat’s in the Cradle” , you’ll know it’s a father’s lament of the time he didn’t spend with his son. Instead, he pursued career and wealth. It’s also a song that upsets many men because they relate to it so much.
Scientific research shows that when we give love to another person , we actually boost our own immune systems, AND theirs. So not only is it a great gift to someone else, we are giving ourselves a gift of health at the same time.
Even if you have loved and lost as the saying goes, it’s the loving someone and being loved that you’ll remember, and be remembered for. No matter how short a time a loving relationship exists and how painful it seems when it finishes, that love and time is a precious gift that gives our lives meaning.
Do you remember your grandparents saying “What you give out, comes back”? Perhaps they were referring to love as well. I often quote the phrase (although I am unable to find the source reference) , ….
‘people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care’.
If you want to feel satisfied in life; and that you have made a real contribution and to be remembered, then care for and love yourself and others.
As Dr Healy said “the circle of love is everything”.
