From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
love you the way you are
I was lucky enough to have my precious nephew stay with me for Christmas and it reminded me of how important it is to love someone just the way they are - and to let them know it.
Years ago when he and my beautiful niece were toddlers, I heard someone speak about the importance of telling loved ones, children in particular, how you love them just the way they are - and that you would never want to change them, they were perfect as they are.
One night I was putting them to bed and after reading a story, I turned the lights off , kneeled down beside them, put my lips against their cheeks and whispered "You are the most beautiful, wonderful , clever, funny, loving, perfect child I know. I adore you. I love you just the way you are - I would never change anything about you.'
Not only did they love it then, but as they realized it was to be a ritual, as soon as they knew the words were coming, they would smile ,and hold their breath to hear every word. Five years later they still smile and hold their breath!
It made me think about what we say to people we love. How often do we think yet perhaps not say in the early phases of a relationship 'they are perfect - I've never met anyone who has so many great qualities. I can't believe I've met someone who is everything I ever wanted'. That's usually the time we are most likely to say we love them the way they are. We certainly convey the message loud and clearly at a non verbal level. And it brings out the very best in us and others.
But as the relationship continues, we find out they are, after all, human! And there are things we wish were different. We love them but secretly harbour a desire to change them into what we thought they were when we first met them. Or what we think would be the perfect partner. And the message that they are not perfect, not everything we always wanted, that the initial feelings have changed are conveyed powerfully non verbally. Which in turn can lead to changes in their behavior and undercurrents of aggression, resentment, anger, fear, frustration or self esteem erosion.
What if we intellectually accepted they are human (like us!) and believed it in our hearts as well? What if we told them frequently that we loved them just as they were - and we wouldn't want them to change? They'd probably change! I'm sure many adults resist minor changes in behavior just because another person wants us to change! As soon as we are accepted for who we are and loved for it, we willingly try to make the other person who loves us happy.
Think about the people in your life you love; do you love them the way they are? Can you accept their foibles and idiosyncrancies? If you can let them know. Write them a note or say the words - and watch them glow! Ignore initial suspicion - if you have never made this effort before, they'll be wondering if you are drunk! And reinforce the message with repetition on a regular basis. If my niece and nephew lived with me they would hear the same message every night just before they went to sleep so they could dream on it.
Perhaps as we repeat the words, we can remind ourselves that this person is worth loving for who they are and the way they are. (This whole article is assuming of course that we are talking about a non psychopath!) and it will encourage us to be more accepting.
This is the way everyone wants to be loved. Maybe we could love ourselves the same way? We could tell ourselves that we love ourselves just the way we are - that we are perfect just as we are. And when that little voice rises up and shouts 'no, we're not! We need to change this and this and this ; remember how stupid this was etc' , we can assess the ideas , discard the ridiculous and adopt the ones that are useful and still believe we are perfect - cos we're doing the best we can.
We accept our friends the way they are. We don't ask them to change. If they need to change much for us to be friends we just don't see them again. We accept continual lateness as 'oh, that's just the way he/she is- they're always late' or other behaviors in the same way. Yet if it's our partner, it drives us nuts! Although we knew it was a consistent behavior before they became our partner!
Christmas has just gone (whew!) - to whom could you have given this message of love and acceptance? And did you? If not, send them a new year card telling them how you do love them - the way they are. And outline specifically some of the things you love about them - the message is even more powerful that way. Especially for your children. And send yourself a card. It's weird, but sensible and great for your self esteem!
