From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
Conversation kick starters for couples
How many times have you played 'spot the been together a long time couple' in restaurants? they are always the ones who sit there looking at others, with little or no conversation going on at all.
It seems to me that not enough time is spent learning and practicing the art of conversation. TV and video games seem to reduce our conversational skills to occasional grunts!
In the first flush of romance, we gaze lovingly at each other and we share all sorts of information with our lover. We want to impress them and for them to know us and how we feel. We talk incessantly. In fact, on our first few dates we often talk until the wee hours of the morning. This is great. After the 'honeymoon' period we often slide into 'lazy land' - little conversation and even less communication. We've shared everything we think we can. We think we know all there is to know about the other person.
This minimal communication usually leads to the loss of intimacy which seems to be the glue that holds most of the aspects of a relationship together. It's imperative that we remain interested a) in our partner b) in life and learning and c) sharing our life and experiences with our partner.
If I say to a large group that going out with your partner on a date once a week is important and that you must go as a couple - no other people; that there is to be no discussion about work or your children - the audience usually gasps in horror! They ask 'but what would we do?'! They are the people we find in 'spot the old couple'.
Of course, comfortable silence is a sign of a relaxed relationship, but we rarely make a conscious effort to keep excitement and communication alive by asking each other questions that elicit interesting answers.
Generally speaking, females use conversation to create intimacy and men use it to get information - as a means to an end. Try the female approach fellas - it does seem to work! It may not be easy to begin with but persevere because the rewards are huge (mega bonking points!).
These questions are compulsory if you are thinking of entering a relationship - you need to find out what the person is REALLY like - not the facade with which they want to impress you! These questions are a way to elicit your and their values in life - what' s important to you and them.
One of the best ways to do this is to ask questions that elicit answers which give you insight into each other. Non threatening questions that make you think deeply about feeling and values. Just when you thought you knew everything about your partner......the truth emerges!
Rules of this game of discovery:
There are some rules that apply to playing 'conversation kick starters' which is a fun game of exploration - both of yourself and your partner. These rules are designed to maximize the effectiveness of this learning opportunity. And to stop Cold World War three!
Rule 1. your need to both be relaxed and comfortable with this 'game'
Rule 2. make sure you have enough time to be patient and really hear the answers
Rule 3. keep breathing as you hear the questions, answer or listen. When your partner is speaking, you are to be very aware of your breathing - keep your breathing deep and even. The second you become aware of holding your breath, you have stopped listening and are reacting or waiting for a gap to insert your words. This will ruin the communication process.
Rule 4. apply your listening skills at this time - quiet your self talk .
Rule 5. For you to be honest and open with each other you will have to feel safe. That means there is to be no judging! No comments like 'that's ridiculous', or 'you can't be serious', or 'that's not true'. You must accept that if the other person is talking about their feelings they are 'right' whether you agree or not. People's feelings just are - they are not a reflection on you - do no take feelings personally! Discuss what might be causing these feelings and if they need to be changed.
Rule 6: When your partner is answering a question, give them time to explore their emotions and thoughts - if it's not your turn, shut up and keep breathing! Men may find this harder because women are used to thinking out loud and can keep talking for ages!
Rule 7. accept what is being said without responding defensively in any way
Rule 8.do not use this time as an opportunity to 'get back at' your partner
Rule 9. tell the truth and if you don't want to answer a question let your partner know that now is not a good time and promise to answer it at another more appropriate time
Rule 10. do not speak until the other person has finished speaking and you have looked down, nodded and counted to five.
Rule 11. do not think of an answer to your partners response or give advice- unless asked for
Rule 12. to clarify that you understand what they are saying you may wish to repeat what they have said in your own words and ask them if that is what they meant
Rule 13. you may wish to take notes at different times to jog your memory
Rule 14. or make an action plan to embark on activities that will enhance your relationship
Rule 15. tackle just a few questions at a time - there are enough here to last you a couple of years! Explore the answers in depth - answer questions that are triggered by the initial one.
Rule 16. it may be appropriate to ask these questions at different times in your life - they answers may change!
Rule 17: It's OK to be different - that's what keeps the interest and excitement there. It's great to have someone who has different ideas from you in some areas - explore these areas - maybe you'd learn something.
Rule 18: There are no winners in this game. There is no competition. This is a way to get to know your partner/ friends/ family even better.
Rule 19. If you're not a couple, modify these questions to use with your children, family or at a dinner table with friends.
Rule 20. Remember, this is a game of exploration - not search and destroy! Have fun!
The questions may challenge you and make your brain work hard but it's worth it! Remember this is a learning experience and adventure - not a time to judge or recriminate or teach your partner a lesson! The questions are triggers for conversation not conflict!
Select any question randomly:
I feel happy when ...........(finish the statement)
The happiest moment of my life was...........
My greatest challenge is.............
My greatest challenge so far has been...........
My greatest fear is..............
My favorite activity is..............
My dream is to .................
My body feels good when......
When I was little I felt most safe when.......
I feel content when........
I always wanted to be ............
I feel energized after..........
Fulfilment means.........
I feel peaceful when.........
The most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me was..........
I hate it when ............
When I was little............
If I could be anyone and doing anything I wanted to do I would...........
How do I know I am happy?
Anytime I want to relax I........
My ideal holiday would be.........
If I were an animal I would be a ........... Why?
I know I am stressed when...........
I need space and time alone when...........
............really makes me feel sad.
I feel appreciated when.........
I know you love me when..........
What do I do that makes you feel I love you?
What do you see about me that makes you think I am happy;sad; angry; depressed; anxious or tense?
My favorite movie was........... Why?
My favorite music is...........
I would like my next holiday to be.........
What are five things that make you feel energized?
List five things that drain your energy.
Are there any people who drain your energy?
List five things that make you feel relaxed.
Before I die I would like to .........
My ideal job would be.........
The best holiday of my life was.........
My ideal home would be............
My favorite TV show is..........Why?
My favorite food is........
The best moment of my life was.............
If I had a million dollars I would.........
What is your favorite sport? Hobby? Activity? Relaxation?
How would you describe being happy?
How important are birthdays and anniversaries to you? Explain.
Is Valentine's Day important? Why?
What are some things you have done in your life of which you are proud?
How important do you think having a family is?
How do you know when you are in love?
How do you know when someone unconditionally accepts you?
Make a statement about romance.
Talk about your childhood.
What is your favorite childhood memory?
If you were to create a picture of love what would it look like?
What is your first memory of your partner?
How did you meet?
What did you feel at that time?
When did you know you were in love with him/her?
How do you think your partner feels about her/his job.
How do you think others see you?
What is you partner's favorite food; movie; type of holiday; pastime; way to relax?
Something I wish you would do is .......
How do you define intimacy?
What was your most intimate moment?
How were you punished as a child?
How did your parents show anger? How do you?
What is your idea of a good sexual relationship?
What do you consider sexy?
My partner and I differ over ..........
How easy is it for you to say "I love you' to your partner? Explain.
How important is romance in your life? Please explain.
Do you have enough of it?
List three romantic fantasies you would like to experience.
How important are your friends? Please explain.
What makes you laugh?
When you die, what would you like your partner to remember about you?
With whom do you feel most comfortable and why?
With whom can you express your deepest emotions?
With whom do you feel safe and why?
Say something about divorce.
What are your feelings and beliefs about raising children?
Is it easy or difficult to express feelings to your partner? What specifically is easy or difficult?
Do you like to be told what to do or do you prefer to be your own boss? Why?
If you could give any gift in the world, what would you give your partner?
When is your relationship the happiest?
I feel impatient when............
One thing I keep asking my partner is...........
In what ways could you improve communication between you and your partner?
What could they do?
What does your partner do or say that 'turns you on'?
Do you and your partner settle differences? As soon as they arise or do you let them accumulate and then blow up? How would you like to handle them?
In what ways do you encourage your partner?
How do they encourage you?
Would you say you are moody? Explain.
Should marriage be a 50/50 partnership? Should relationships be worked on'?
In what environments do you feel safe and secure?
What star sign are you? What are your thoughts on astrology?
How do you feel about household duties?
If someone wrote a eulogy for you after your death what would you like it to say?
What is something you really like about -
your relationship
your personality
your looks
yourself
your partner
your family
your parents
your children
your job
your best friend
How do you non verbally tell you partner you love them?
Are your expectations interfering with your relationship ? Or reality?
As a child my favorite place was...........
What are your feelings about learning ?
What are your feelings about personal growth and development?
How do you know you are happy?
If there was one thing you could do that would change the quality of your home life it would be..........
If there was one thing you could change that would improve the quality of your work like it would be.......
If there was one thing you could change that would dramatically improve your sex life it would be........
What is one feature or aspect of your behavior or personality you would like to change?
What situations make you angry? Frustrated? Bored? Excited? Stimulated? Feel Alive? Happy?
How do you behave when you are tired? Stressed? Angry? Bored? Frustrated? Horny? Happy? Relaxed?
What helps you sleep well?
Is your lifestyle as you would like it to be? If not what would you change?
If you were to describe you 'ideal' partner, what would they be like? (Be specific)
Hints: romantic, exciting, excited about life, full of energy, trustworthy, humorous, honest, decisive,on time, affectionate, reliable, sexy, physical, sporty, good self esteem, financially secure, spontaneous, independent, loving, similar interests, has integrity, matches my sex drive, has hobbies, worthy of respect, can make a commitment, loves to learn, has similar values to me, loves children, doesn't want children, is spiritual, is intelligent, is secure and understands themselves , enjoy life. etc
Ask any question you like.
Who do you think should handle budgeting and finances in your relationship and why?
How important is trust to you? Are you trustworthy?
What does trust mean to you?
What is acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior from your partner?
I really feel alone when...........
I need support when.....
I need to be left alone when........
What activity absorbs you so much you forget time.
In relationships what role does compromise play?
What things do you fear in life? Is there anything you fear at the moment?
How important are children to you? How do they impact on a relationship?
What things do you worry about?
When did you realize you loved this person? what made you realize it?
Is your relationship different from when it started? In what ways?
Are there any changes you would like to make?
How important is apologising in a relationship?
Talk about your sexual relationships.
How important is non sexual touch to you? Why?
Are you happy with the level of touch in your relationship - explain.
What are you feeling right now?
How do you and your partner complement each other?
What do you admire about your partner?
What do you love about your partner?
What compliments do you give your partner?
What hobbies would you like to explore?
What skills would you like to learn?
What clothing do you love to see your partner wearing?
What is the most romantic moment you can remember with your partner?
What is the sexiest time you can remember with your partner?
What is the funniest moment with your partner you can remember?
What hobbies or interests would you like to develop?
Are you optimistic or pessimistic? Cynical? Does your partner agree?
What do you love about your life?
Is it important for you all to sit at the dinner table to eat a meal together?
What makes you scared or fearful?
What are your fears in life?
Is there anything you have been wanting to share with your partner but don't know how? Is now a good time?
If a perfect relationship scores 10 on the scale where is yours right now? where would you like it to be?
What compromises do you make in this relationship? What compromises does your partner make?
How secure do you feel?
Do you have enough meaningful conversation?
What do you do to unwind a the end of a work day?
What makes you feel close and loving to your partner?
What motivates you to work?
How do you feel about TV? Computers? Technology?
Are you more affectionate to your dog more than your partner?
What is your purpose in life? (Hint - be happy, useful, teach, be a great parent etc)
How do you give your partner love?
How do they give you love?
What are 10 good points about your partner?
What are 10 other than great points?
Do you have goals in your life? Discuss them.
When do you hope to achieve them?
What do you like to do just before you go to sleep?
How is your relationship different now from your courting days? Or the early days of your relationship?
Are you a generous person? Does your partner agree?
Are you kind to each other?
What does being 'thoughtful' mean to you?
Who have been your greatest teachers in life?
Who do you respect and admire? What is it about them you respect?
Are you a good listener? does your partner agree?
How do you deal with conflict or disagreements in your relationship?
Should all differences be resolved before you go to bed at night?
What does commitment mean to you?
What is the importance of compassion in life?
Is there anyone you need to forgive or make peace with in your life? Who and why?
What is your concept of foreplay?
Are you an organized person?
What place does planning have in your life?
What are the important values in your life?
What are your feelings on divorce?
What are grounds for divorce?
Are there things you feel you SHOULD do but don't really want to?
What are your feelings about child abuse of any form?
Say something about the amount of time you and your partner spend together.
Do you believe there should be secrets between couples?
How do you feel about your friends?
Is it important for women and men to spend time with the same sex group?
What would make you feel contented?
How do you feel about a tidy house and cleanliness?
If you could describe your partner in one word what would it be?
When do you feel someone else understands you?
What make you feel emotionally secure?
When will you or did you feel financially secure?
What are your thoughts on religion? spirituality?
What is important in a child's schooling?
What do you think about a couple attending counselling?
Would attend seminars and workshops to improve your relating skills? Why?
When and with whom are you the 'real you'?
What is your attitude -
to health and wellbeing?;
to the environment?;
to life? to drugs?;
to alcohol?; to exercise?;
to diet? ;
to socialising?;
to entertaining?
to cooking?
to work?
to holidays?
to relaxing?
to having a balance in life?
Would you call yourself a winner, loser, battler or something else? Why?
What is your favorite reading material and why?
What is your favorite book of all time? your favorite nursery rhyme or children's book?
What is the best thing that could possibly happen to you?
If there was some extra training you could pursue what would it be?
What makes you laugh?
If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be?
Do you believe in God? Are you a spiritual person? Expand on your ideas.
Who is your favorite movie star? What do you admire about them?
If you were describing your partner to someone else, what would you say?
What is your favorite sport? Why?
Which way do you like the toilet roll to go?
What are your feelings on the toothpaste tube?
What is your favorite magazine and why?
What is something or issue you feel really strongly about?
What is the most important lesson you would give a child?
What aspects do you like about yourself? Love about yourself?
What aspects of your partner do you like? And love?
Are you a flexible person - physically, emotionally and mentally? What does that mean?
List five ideas for romance.
When do you feel vulnerable?
What makes you cry?
What do you do to nurture your relationship?
What do you want from life?
Ask your partner "What do I do that makes you feel I love you?"
Is your style to fight, flow or flee in the face of stress?
Are you true to yourself? What does that mean to you?
What do you know about yourself - your needs, desires, beliefs,behaviors?
How well do you think you know your partner?
Because if you have answered most of these questions you will know a lot more!
COPYRIGHT AMANDA GORE 1997
