From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
In my seminars, I often speak about the concept of relationships being living, breathing organisms; that need nurturing like a plant. If we buy a plant in a pot, and put it on the balcony and never water, fertilise, or talk to it, it will die. If you keep flooding it with water or fertilise it to death)So do relationships! They don't have to be 'hard work' but they do need a little loving attention on a regular basis.
A suggestion I make to nurture a relationship is to go on a date at least once a week. Just the two of you - no one else. And you are not allowed to talk about children or the weather! At which point there is an audible gasp from the audience followed by 'what do we talk about?'! Or 'should we take a book!'. This is often the reason relationships break down - we don't talk to each other!
During our courting days, nothing could stop us! In restaurants, waiters and waitresses can pick the newly married or unmarried couples by the level of conversation and animation! OK, I hear those of you who have been married for 500 years yelling but 'I know everything about him or her'. Think about the last time you spoke to a friend whose partner had left them for another; did you hear them saying 'I never knew that about him/her' - so how well do you really think you know your partner? How well do they think you know them?
What stimulates conversations when we are comfortable and familiar with each other? First, agree that we need to spend some time alone with each other , some time when we can relax and be patient and really listen.
Then there are the rules to stop world war 3! When your partner is speaking, you are to be very aware of yoru breathing - keep your breathing deep and even. The second you become aware of holding yoru breath, you have stopped listening and are reacting or waiting for a gap to insert your words. This will ruin the communication process. When your partner is answering a question, give them time to explore their emotions and thoughts - if it's not your turn, shut up and keep breathing! Men may find this harder because women are used to thinking out loud an dcan go on for ages! This drives men nuts - so here is a fantastic way for you fellas out there to show her you love her. Listen until she stops speaking. It may help if you make the odd note if there is something you would like to refer back to - but do not interrupt!
Rule 2: For you to be honest and open with each other you will have to feel safe. That means there is to be no judging! No comments like 'that's ridicuolous', or 'you can't be serious', or 'that's not true'. You must accept that if the other person is talking abpout htier feelings they are 'right' whether you agree or not. People's feelings are how they feel - it's not a reflection on you - do no ttake feelings personally! Discus what might be causing these feelings and how they might be changed.
Rule 3: Do no ttake comments personally. You are discussing issues - not people. Separate the issue from the person!
Rule 4: It's OK to be different - that's what keep shte interest and exxcitement there. It's great to have someone who has different ideas from you in some areas - explore these areas - maybe you'd learn something.
Rule 5: Keep breathing as you speak and think. No breath, no brain activity!
Rule 6: This is not an opportunity to 'have your revenge'!; or to attack the other person or score points or do anything with a harmful intent. Make sure you are in this to learn and explore not crush and destroy!
Rule 6: Have lots of fun. Laugh. Enjoy yourselves.
Rule 7: There are no winners in this game. There is no competition. This is a way to get to know your partner/ friends/ family even better.
Here are some questions you might like to start with - if you're not a couple then modify them to use with children, at a dinner table with friends, with your family or just a friend.
I feel good when.......(person fills in the space)
My dream is to ........
When I was little, ..I always wanted to be.........;
..my favorite place was......;
..I loved to ......;
..I dreamed I would be...;
My body feels good when ....
Anytime I want to relax , I..........
My favorite movie of all time was................What made it so special?
If I were an animal, I would be...................Because...............
My ideal holiday would be.................
The best holiday I ever had was.............Because...........
If I had a million dollars, I would............
How important are birthdays to you?...........Christmas? Anniversaries? Valentine's Day?
What are some things you have done in your life of which you are proud?
What is the best book you have ever read and why?
The best moment of my life to date was........
What is your first memory of your partner?
What attracted you to them?
When did you know you loved them?
How important is 'space' or time by yourself in a relationship
What is something you really like about your relationship? Your partner? Your personality? Your looks?Yourself?
What values in life are really important to you? Honesty, integrity, willing to learn, committment, truth, loyalty, love, family, community, enviroment,
Cut this little piece of paper out and take it with you on the next occaison you are together (alone - or not alone!) and use these questions as a prompt to stimulate discussion - it's really great fun! And you learn heaps about the person or people with whom you play this game. They become more interesting and exciting. Make this a routine for family dinners - don't watch TV; sit around a table and take turns in thinking up questions and everyone answers. It's a great wellness habit to develop in your children.
And anyone who is a teenager out there, do not, repeat do not consider going 'steady' with someone until you ask them 100 questions (at least) like this so you really get to know someone first as a person before they break your heart! You may think you know them really well already, but normal conversation does not give you the understanding this sort of questioning does. Anyone who is not a teenager, ditto! Have fun!
Try some of the following questions.
