From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
COUNSELLING BEFORE MARRIAGE
We all know that when we fall in love it's supposed to be wonderful, easy , fulfilling, enriching and conflict free. It is for a while. Then reality hits! The pressures of life kick in.
The truth is that when two independent adults from different backgrounds come together and 'fall' in love , initially there are chemicals called 'endorphins' released - which cause a sort of infatuation with the other person. So that they appear perfect; they can do no wrong; we both have so much in common; we laugh together; we are physically compatible and all those other things that draw us to them in the early months of the relationship.
After the initial flush of endorphins, life starts to settle down, a routine of some sort develops; we feel we know each other better and we're still delirious with joy ( - 'madly in love' which indicates madness!) Then one or both starts to feel stressed, overworked, burnt out and the 'stress personality' comes out!
This 'stress personality' can be as dramatic as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. We wonder what happened to the sweet , caring, considerate, fun and loving person we met. This person seems more irritable , tense, anxious and difficult to be around. But...you love them and understand that they are having a tough time at work and so you try to support them.
Nothing you do seems to work. Anger creeps in and arguments over silly things - then bigger things. Conflicts are left unresolved - not because you don't care about each other , but because neither knows how to communicate with the stressed personality.
Most relationship authorities suggest that how a couple resolves conflict is one of the - if not the - most important indicators of success in a relationship. Yet , where do we learn conflict resolution skills in school? Conflict resolution in the corporate world is a very popular training subject, and although it's never really easy dealing with conflict , at least in the workplace the emotional charge is not as great as in personal relationships. So we can be a little more detached than if we are fighting with a partner.
The concept of counselling before marriage is not new in certain religions, but the rest of the world thinks that 'if you need counselling before marriage, then something serious is wrong'. Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps it would be useful to attend classes or have private sessions with a good psychologist on understanding others and our own responses to stress and how to deal with them. Learn about our 'stress personality' and how to recognize it.
To learn about our feelings - it's extraordinary how our society has generated a culture where we often don't even recognize that we are feeling angry, sad, unhappy, unsatisfied, unfulfilled, or frustrated. And then without meaning to or understanding why , we take it out on our partner who has to be a genius at recognizing what is wrong!
Maybe we could learn skills to keep us less likely to be so emotionally hooked in that we are blind to reason. Little things, like deciding now is not a good time to be reasonable and discuss the issues, and make a time later when both of you are feeling calmer and can speak without shouting something you will regret. Make sure you keep that appointment - or the feelings stay submerged and fester.
We need to be able to listen without being defensive and feeling that we are being attacked personally. And to understand that the issue is separate from the person. This is crucial - if someone is always late - it's the lateness that is the issue not the person. OR if they have behaviors that annoy you - it's the behaviors . not the person - they are not inherently irritating! Or they may be childhood factors that are influencing their behaviors and they are completely unaware of what is driving them.
Notice patterns of behaviors in your and their parents and families. These are often good indicators of how either will react under pressure. What did your parents do when they were angry? What do you do?
There are many issues that can surface and give you deeper understanding of what makes you and the other 'tick'. With more understanding and discussion, we can learn more effective ways of communicating under pressure or discussing differences - and either avoid unnecessary conflict or deal with it in a non destructive way. Counselling with a skilled practitioner or organization experienced in these areas may help you develop a bond that will survive all the pressures and challenges that life throws at us.
