From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
Emotional wellness part 2
"Stress hardy people don't collapse - they go numb and keep on going"
From an article by W & M Sotile, Psychology Today, July/August 1996.
This was from an excellent article on type A behavior and relationships. (Type A behavior is often described as 'hurry sickness' which is how type A's cope with ever increasing stress levels) . I strongly recommend you read it!
They also write "if you're stuck being in a hurry, you're not likely to slow down enough to connect with others' - and I want to add - or with yourself!
Most people in our society walk around emotionally numb. Of course, we don't know that - because we are too busy to stop and notice that we haven't felt , really emotionally felt , anything for years. Women used to be more aware of our feelings until we started working AND doing everything else. We are now on a level with men - either oblivious to real feelings or completely numb. And what's more we're all running around so fast , we're losing the deep connections that form the critical relationships in our lives. This disconnectedness is the 'secret' source of great unhappiness in many people today.
If someone asked you what you were really feeling could you easily answer them? What if I asked (assuming you could identify a feeling) you where in your body you were feeling that emotion? Or better still , if feelings were blocked, where are you holding them?
These sound like bizarre questions, yet our awareness of our feelings is fundamental for a wellness lifestyle - not to mention happiness; even though being able to feel means we feel joy AND sorrow. Yet that's part of being human and part of life - feeling everything. If this is you, making the decision to stop the numbness and begin living can be one of the most courageous you will make , and at the same time, one of the most liberating, explorations you can make into yourself!
A few weeks ago I gave a presentation at a conference and a gentleman came up to me afterwards and said he and his wife always took the Sunday Age with them to their special Sunday morning coffee shop and together they read my article and then discussed it. Not only was I very honored that they would find my ravings so useful, but I was also thrilled at the concept! If you and your partner or loved ones would only ever do the same thing once, please do it for this article!
Make sure you have a safe environment. And are with 'safe' people. This concept of safety is one I learned from Margo Cairns, an extraordinary woman and leadership strategy coach. Safe people are those who accept you unconditionally; who can listen to you with no judgment and who have no desire to 'fix you' or point out how 'broken' you are; they accept that you feel a particular way and don't try to make you wrong (which, therefore ,makes them right!). They may or may not be family, or people you know. Often the safest people initially are therapists or counsellors. Safe environments are those in which there are safe people with no politics or hidden agendas.
If the thought of visiting a somatic psychotherapist (someone who specialises in restoring the body, feelings, mind, life connections), or some other qualified professional, is too daunting, initially, try sitting quietly by yourself, do nothing and allow any feelings you may have to emerge.
Feelings come in a wide range of shapes, sizes and colors! And may be labelled anger, frustration, depression, happiness, joy, peace, calm, anxiety, emptiness, confusion, worthlessness, unfulfilled, insecure, useless, hostility, contentment, compassion, love and a zillion more. But, most of them can be boiled down to their essence and two main threads emerge - love and fear.
Many feelings are based in fear of failure, of intimacy, of rejection, of looking stupid, of being alone, of commitment, of enjoying ourselves, of being 'found out', of financial security, or sexuality and more. Or in love - love of ourselves, of others of life and accepting the way things are.
Before you take the plunge and expose your vulnerability in front of another please be certain you are with someone you are sure is a safe person. Otherwise those soft, fleshy feelings which have been shoved into a deep dark well to avoid being damaged, will be battered, and suppressed again - because the last time they came out, the same thing happened so they hastily retreat away from danger, and numbness (ie lack of fulfilment) sets in again.
Use the words "I feel....' more often - both to yourself and to others (when you feel ready) and see if that helps you connect more with yourself and with others. And if you feel happier.
Remember, "You need to practice pleasure. The more stress goes up , the more tense you get, the less pleasure you experience. Remember what feels good and diversify rather than constrict your involvements.....Recess is when playfulness happens and a by product of playfulness is intimacy , the glue of relationships". Great advice again from Sotiles. Enjoy your recess!
