From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
While speaking at a conference last week on "Brain Sex', I had everyone's undivided attention! A gentleman came up to me afterwards and asked me if I knew what todays real problem was; he then said it was that 'everyone wants a wife and no one wants to be one!
The more I have thought about this the more true I think it is! Two career couples (whether married, living together or just going out) are all tired and stressed from our daily work lives! And from the speed of life - having to do more , with less in less time.
We seem to want someone who can make our house a home; give us nurturing, caring; someone to put out our slippers when we arrive home
( just joking Joyce!); someone to have a great smell coming from a roast dinner in the oven when we arrive home exhausted; someone to sit and listen with great interest as we describe our day; someone to ask us about how we feel or remember something that was going to happen to us and ask us about it; someone to just be there when we need them; someone to do the shopping and stop the green mould growing in the fridge; to think about our needs and anticipate them; not to mention doing our ironing and washing!
In other words someone who would look after us like a mother and be a life partner as well. Easy! Ha, Ha. Maybe that 's why few people are doping it - we don't have time! Some of us might want to - we just can't.
I know many working women who say they would love a wife. So why don't some of us want to be wives?
Well, of course, men are not meant to be, are they! They are men. They work - outside the home. And anyway, women multitrack and can do lots of things at once! Men are great at being right or left brain and focusing very well. This means most men (go deaf in front of the TV!) who take on the housewife role (while partner is in hospital etc) are amazed at how she keeps track of so many things at once and does as much as she does in the time she does it!
I remember one man whose wife had gone away to look after a sick parent and he stayed home to look after three small children. He was a wreck after two days! And in awe of how his wife had ever done so much - he certainly appreciated her efforts more after she returned home!
So , according to tradition, it's not a 'male thing' to do - although times are slowly changing and there is supposed to be a lot more role sharing these days. A study I read in a magazine recently, found on investigation, that younger couples who are supposed to be good at this sharing, weren't so different! The female usually did more of the house duties as well as working.
Why don't women want to be wives? The traditional concept of wife implies all the behaviors I mentioned in the first paragraph. And I think that became equated to 'doormat', and boring and dull life. And it probably was in a lot of cases. And that it was a worthless role - "I'm JUST a housewife ' was greeted with a 'oh..' said in the tone of voice that meant 'gosh, I didn't think anyone did that any more!'.
Yet, the housewife/person role is HUGE! This person is responsible for the major part of bringing up the children; and more importantly, for keeping the relationship together and creating a home. I'm sure feminists will rip this article into little shreds and send me poison pen letters but folks, I talk to lots of people out there who are living day to day incredibly busy, successful lives. And they are telling me about the importance of having someone in the relationship who takes on this role. For the need for one of them to cut back on the pace of work so they can nurture, childmind, homemake. Or both if they can afford it.
It's a very complicated scenario. Many high flying corporate women tell me they have had enough. The old biological urge is saying there is more to life than just work success. Men say they can't take the pressure any more - being the provider, protector and performer (which they are used to) and now they are expected to be nurturers as well. Men and women are telling me they want a rest; a home and a life. Not just a house and money!
I don't have the answers for you. This article is designed to trigger your thinking. To get you to discuss what your needs are. Maybe you can have a cleaner, ironer and food cooker to do all the housie things and then you can nurture each other when you arrive home? Work out what makes your house a home to you. Think about how much money is enough. What are your priorities? Take turns at being 'the wife'! If none of those ideas appeal, draw straws for who gets to be the wife!
And if neither of you needs a wife and you are delirious with joy with your work, home and life, congratulations. You should celebrate cos there aren't many of you!
