From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
FUNCTIONAL FAMILIES CLUB
Recently, I listened to a tape on which Bernie Seigal , author of many books including 'Love, Medicine And Miracles' was interviewed. This man is a legend and his books are a wonderful source of inspiration for millions of people worldwide.
He was discussing the importance of one's childhood family life and it's impact on the decisions, relationships and choices we make as adults. In fact, he said he had put out a newsletter calling for adults of fully functional families to start a club - but there were no replies!
Although he said this with tongue in cheek, he raises a good point. How many fully functional (as opposed to families with some sort of emotional problems) families do you know? I know of one! I met someone last week who was one of six children ranging in age from 6 to 22. They all lived at home; worked well together; all adored each other despite occasional tiffs; both parents worked in their own successful business. In short, there was a really supportive, loving environment in which everyone knew and accepted everyone else, warts and all! And in which they absorbed (rather than learned) the concepts of compromise, acceptance, responsibility, caring and independence. And they had a realistic model of what to expect from of their own lives.
I scanned all the people I know and came up with two other functional families. Similar scenarios. One has five children, a mega successful parent and another dynamic, energetic parent running the home and her own business. Everyone lived in the same house and the children were aged five to twenty two. The other family has three children, one working parent (as in going out to work) while the other worked at home.
I thought of a couple more families and wondered what the common link might be. It boiled down to both parents being functional adults who loved each other and accepted who and what they were. Then I wondered what is a functional adult?
How would you define a 'functional adult'? I figured it was one who had come from a functional family! Or they had done a lot of 'work' on themselves - personal growth and development - to break free of the baggage they had brought from their families and/or earlier lives. ( Now, I'm not suggesting that families are the source of all disfunction - but they must contribute in some way. )
So what were some of the characteristics I thought constituted a fully functional adult? Someone who likes, accepts and loves themselves; who can give and receive love; who is true to themselves and knows what they want; who is willing to accept others for what they are ; who understands that expectations of ourselves or others are often unrealistic;who is flexible and an compromise; knows and can express their feelings; who forgives themselves for mistakes and recognises them as learnings; who forgives others ; who takes responsibility for themselves in all situations; who knows when it is safe to be vulnerable; who can laugh at themselves and cultivates a good sense of humor; who keeps seeking interests in life so they are interested and excited by life and it's opportunities; who is realistically positive about life; who has a sense of purpose and meaning in life; who cares about others and considers others yet is wise selfish; who accepts that life has peaks and troughs and has learned to flow most of the time; who cultivates friendships and social support; in short, someone who has laughs a lot, has a healthy self esteem and goes with the flow while choosing the direction of flow! Sort of your average person I suppose!
So how do we become this amazing person?! Find out about and understand our family history, our background, our childhood environment. What happened to us as we were growing up. Get in touch with our feelings and learn how to express them; read personal growth books; see a psychologist (this is no stigma - it's an intelligent move to have someone qualified help us navigate thorough the forest so we can see the wood for the trees); do what we have to forgive those we believe have hurt us; meditate or pray or spend lots of time in nature; identify patterns of behavior in your life that detract from happiness and change them; find out where you learned those patterns because it may help you unlearn them!
And above all, be kind and patient with yourself. Being fully functional I think takes most of our lifetime if we didn't start out with the appropriate nurturing environment - so enjoy the journey and wonder at what you are learning!
