From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
Grieving
How often does our conversation casually turn to the process of grieving? Not often - in fact, it's not until some life crisis occurs that even consider it, let alone become conscious of it.
When we experience a great loss, having some understanding of what's happening to us when things are really painful, desperate and confusing can sometimes make the journey through much easier.
Why am I writing about this? Because my recently widowed mother (my Step Dad died 6 months ago) has just been staying with me. Trying to support her through a difficult time of swirling emotions was a great learning curve and encouraged me to explore the whole process of grieving.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is one of the most famous authors in this area and her book "On Death And Dying" although not great light bedtime reading, sheds light on an area we (the layperson) generally poorly understand. I consulted my oracle on psychological and life matters, Hilary Tupling (a brilliant psychologist and mentor) for her opinion on the stages of grieving that Kubler Ross described.
Rather than describing several stages , Hil talked about 'waves' of grieving. And she offered some labels for the parts of the wave which, in her experience, people cycle through for some time after the loss. The emotions range from numbness and shock, to denial, to anger and resentment, despair and loss of hope, guilt, bargaining -the 'what if' and 'if only ' part of the cycle, to self blame and finally to acceptance which she described as a willingness to commit to life again, a time for hope.
Of course, it's not only death of a loved one or friend that triggers the grieving process. It can be the loss of anything - a pet; a relationship; children through a divorce ;a house; a city; even a way of life. Recognize the enormous emotional shifts that these events usually cause and then flow as much as you can with the ensuing waves of emotion. You are normal! You are not losing your mind or crumbling into a heap!
It was interesting that Mum commented a few times that it was ridiculous for her to be bursting into tears at the drop of a hat and that by now (a massive 6 months after the event, which had 5 years of suffering,struggle and sickness before it) she should 'be over it'. It's very typical of her generation to respond and feel that way - emotions were best ignored and put behind us as we forged ahead with life. Fortunately, subsequent generations are more gentle on ourselves.
It's critical that we give ourselves permission to grieve. It's a part of healing the wounds from the loss - whatever it is. If we put on a 'stiff upper lip' and carry on regardless; if we just 'get on with life' and disregard the pain; if we run away and never deal with it then we sew the seeds for illness at a later stage. Ignored emotions are , I'm sure, stored in the body and they fester! (Anger and hostility in particular, are known to increase the risk of heart attack).
We must allow ourselves to process (which is a technical term meaning feel!) our emotions. And know that it is not only OK to feel them but it is essential. Six months is no where near long enough to recover from the loss of a partner of 17 years; 5 years of suffering with cancer and the subsequent need to move house from the country to the city. Give yourself time. And probably 2 years is a sensible time frame for recovery.
My own experience is that it usually takes two years after a divorce - even if it was what you really wanted - to find ourselves back in the land of balanced and happy and emotionally able to enjoy another relationship. (A recent report on men and divorce suggested they wait 2 years before embarking on the next serious relationship).
And corny as it sounds give yourself love through this time. Do things that make you feel good - no matter how small. Let yourself sleep in ; cook your favorite foods; go to a movie; cry when you want to; sit and do nothing and avoid feeling guilty! Whatever it is, do little things for yourself.
Keep a journal. Just buy an school writing book and each day write how you are feeling; what happened to you that day; what upset you; what made you feel good - or just anything you want to write. And do it daily. Write in big letters in the front - I am allowed to flow with the waves of grieving.
Find friends and family at this time who can support you. You are not a burden unless you become stuck in the blame/ poor me/ despair stage and become a victim and sit there and mope and spread your misery. I suggested to Mum she a group of her recently widowed friends form a 'First widows club'! What a great idea! they can get together and it would be like group therapy - there would be plenty of support; they could all talk about their roller coaster emotions and recognize they are not insane; they could get together and do voluntary work which would boost their immune systems; they could just have fun and laugh together. It's the best therapy I can think of!
Or form a 'first widowers club' - men handle loss of a loved one less effectively than women, so fellas - this is crucial for you. Even if you don't have other widowed men, find some females who are in this stage of life and talk with them. Just helping others boosts the immune system which is badly knocked about by the stress of huge loss.
If you can find a well trained and professional homoeopath, there is a grieving homoeopathic cure that is said to be very effective. We tried it with Mum and it did seem to help. This may not be the preferred option for everyone but it's natural and might be of some value. There's also a 'rescue remedy' which I have tried and it's a great short term help.
Escaping can also be of value - just a short term 'breather'. A time to regroup, be spoiled , build your strength, and relax. I'm not sure escaping forever is of great value but short term it's terrific!
And finally, think about having a purpose in life. Very often when our partner dies we lose our sense of purpose and direction - the 'why are we here' and 'what am I here for' syndrome. The Dalai Lama said the purpose of life was to be happy and useful - so you could adopt that one - seems good to me! But above all, give yourself grace. Grieving is normal and natural and essential. It may not be much fun but it's a part of life's rich pageant!
