From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
hen what he says is not what she hears!
Over a very funny dinner a few nights ago, my friends and I explored the concept of passion in a relationship - and what happens to it as the relationship progresses.
This came about because we had been laughing over yet another major male /female difference in thinking! When a man is recently out of a relationship , whether it's a divorce or separation or the end of a long term relationship and he is again single and dating. He meets a woman whose company he enjoys. He spends progressively more time with her.
The physical attraction becomes unbearable. He feels he needs to say the her that he is not ready for a long term relationship ; he tells her she is really special and he cares for her but it's too early for him to get 'involved'. They just need to be friends ('who bonk' is the unsaid message! ).
He feels relieved that he has been so honest and up front with her. He thinks she understands the situation, how he feels and accepts that if she keeps going out with him it is just a friendship with a physical component! She obviously feels the same way and is happy to just be 'bonking friends' as well. With no attachments, or commitment. Ha, ha, ha!
What men don't understand is that women have a different language from men. When he says 'I'm not ready to get involved with another woman yet', she hears 'It's too early for me to express my real feelings for you yet, but I am very attracted to you. I am wounded and hurting'. She thinks "I understand how he feels. I will be patient and supporting and loving and he will no doubt fall in love with me. I'm different and together we can ride this out.'
So, she continues with no pressure; great patience and understanding for his need to be alone (or so we think) or for time and 'space'; they have a great sex life (how can he not secretly be in love with me?); they have loads of fun and laugh a lot. Months go by. She is in love with him. She believes he is in love with her - no matter what he says!
He is stunned when six months later, after they have been reasonably constant companions, dating regularly and bonking lots, she starts talking about commitment! And she asks questions like 'where is this relationship going?'. He reiterates his statements - 'but I said I wasn't ready for a long term relationship. We agreed to just be friends.' She goes ballistic. He wonders what's wrong with her. He feels lucky he is not attached to this woman who is obviously didn't listen.
He goes off an finds another woman who just 'enjoys his company' and really understands that he is 'not ready'!
NB. note for men: most women (note I said most) do not, repeat , do not bonk anyone unless they are emotionally involved with them. NNB. Even if they are not too emotionally attached initially, as soon as the two of you begin a physical relationship (this means bonking) she will be emotionally attached. Men need to know this. Men need to worry about this and remember it.
Most men (note I said most!) find it possible to have an ongoing, regular bonking partner without it necessarily being anything other than friendship. Sometimes not even that! They (not the men reading this article, of course) are perfectly capable of believing that because they were so up front and honest initially that the woman will be feeling the same way as they are - enjoying a regular bonking partner and part time friend, with no plans for attachment, relationship or (freak) marriage.
Don't get me wrong fellas. I really applaud your honesty and admire you for recognizing that you are indeed not ready for a full on committed relationship yet. but don't expect a woman to hear the words! She will nod, look like she heard them; she may even repeat the words back to you exactly as you said them; she will say she understands and thinks you are wise to take this approach. Be warned.
She is often unaware that deep inside her she 'knows' he will change his mind as he gets to know her and spend time with her. Men need to know that when they make love to a woman, bonk, have sex, or develop a physical relationship - whatever words you prefer to use - she will become emotionally involved with you. (Breathe!).
Now you know this it may make you more alert to the dangers of a friendly fling after you have been open and honest and therefore respectful. If you want to keep this person as a friend for a long time and not hurt anyone, avoid sex with this person until you are sorted out. (Breathe!) This should dramatically speed up the sorting out process. Ha ha just joking boys! About the speeding up process : not the basic concept! Think about it anyway, because I know men don't mean to be cruel but that's what you will be accused of - leading her along, being heartless, selfish and a user - despite the fact you were as honest as you could be.
Vive la difference!
