From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
How do you know you are in love?
NEEDS WORK
Last week en route to a conference for a change, I was lucky enough to meet Leon. A charming and wise man, he and I shared a couple of hours driving to Lorne in Victoria.
We mused over a number of deep and superficial issues but the one that stimulated my thinking cells the most was "when we say 'I love you', how do we know?".
I have previously thought about where we learn to give love and how we give it; how importnatn love is and how do we know someone unconditionally loves or accepts us - but not the simple what do I mean when I say 'I love you'!
In Scott Peck's wonderful book "A Road Less Traveled" , he compares being 'in love' with 'real love'. 'In love is the term he uses to describe the early phases of a new relationship; where two individuals egos merge and they feel they become one. At this time everything hte other person does is OK if not endearing, At some stage over the next months, reality starts to creep in; our own sense of self returns and we notice we have not met ourselves or a clone! How we deal with this determines the success of our relationship.
; we are in fact with another individual
WHich brings me back to the idea of what do we mean when we say 'I love you'? As I pondered 'this sounds easy but when you do it quite difficult' concept with Leon we decided it consisted of many different components.
Trust was high on our list; respect followed close behind; feeling good and expereincing a sense of ease when you are with that person; wanting to share things with them - our daily experiences; feeling comfortable to talk about anything with them;
I am sitting in an airport lounge where I often conduct my research (scientific double blind crossover trials) and I have just asked a delightful man (whom I have never met before) how he knew he was in love with his wife. He bowled me over with his genuine response - he said 'when I suddenly stopped thinking about everything else".
He told me the story of how he went on a trip with his then boss and was chastised for poor performance - he couldn't concentrate or focus because he was thinking constantly about his then girlfriend. He discovered 'where his priorities were' and came back and they married.
Eight years later, he is more in love with her and she is his best friend. According to him , he may or may not have a job and he can influence that to some degree and can live without one; but if his wife left, he would be devastated and it's in his power to influence that area strongly. Wow. She's lucky! When I said that to him, he said 'no I'm the lucky one'.
HOw did you know you were in love? Or that you are in love? What a great topic Wh suddenly stopped thinking about everything else
When did you first know? What made the difference between friednship and love (more than just hte love we have for a friend)? for a couple to discuss!
Does it mean I love being with you because I feel good? Or is it because you love them
(), and what do we mean'aretheperfectrigorous (How romantic.)whichtheWhen did it turn from friendship to lust to love or all of the above! because they love you (and therefore you feel good? Or perhaps if someone loves you, you feel that you are lovable and actually fall in love with yoruself? (A tricky concept but one that may have some truth) Or is is because they are your best friend, always there, believeing in you and a constant support - and they instinctively know when you need support.
Is it someone you trust implicitly? Respect and admire? Feel totally comfortable and uninhibited with? You want to share your life with them and you find that you keep wishing they were with you, when you are away from them? How about you laugh together lots? Or that they are thoughtful and caring and do all those little things that make a huge difference? Great sex goes without saying of course - but what about kissing and hugging and all those physical things? And intimacy? Are you excited when you know you are going to see them?
How about those folks who will answer "I just KNEW"? How did you know? What did you feel that
These were just some of the ideas with which we played - how many more can you add to this list? Oh, one last thing... whatsent that confidence through you? Have fun!
They are kind, generous and loving? Not moody? Pleasant natured and optimistic?
