From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
Intimacy
NEEDS WORK!
Intimacy is something we all crave and yet many of us (men and women) find it uncomfortable. And it , as usual with these things starts at home. Did you have a close , loving family? Did you share feelings and emotions and special moments? Was there respect for you as an individual , for your feelings? Were you unconditionally accepted? If you did then you are probably OK with intimacy. If not, then can we learn it?
I think so. But we need to find 'safe' people - ones we trust to keep our confidences and secrets; someone we know will accept us despite our thinking. We need 'safe' environments - a time and place that when we do become vulnerable (a big part of intimacy) we are not just exposing our soft underbellies to a big knife! And then we need to practice. Sharing small secrets or feelings or ideas initially , experiencing that we are OK, the other person is OK and then taking bigger steps - just like learning any new skill. To me, intimacy comes when we share a part of ourselves with another - a part we would not share with anyone else. So this person is 'special' and different - someone we really trust , respect and care about.
And they feel the same way about us.
In Deepak Chopra's wonderful new book "The Path to Love" he has some very interesting insights into the various kinds of intimacy - particularly intimacy with ourselves which is the penultimate. This book is a must for a better understanding of love.
To me , intimacy is not just the most common and literal intimacy throught he physical act of sex. Much more important is emotional intimacy. That's the ability to be
in our society He suggests that there are four phases to romance and they are attraction, infatuation, courtship and intimacy. And these precede the 'next stage of love's journey, relationship.'understanding of that comes from the - for a woman anyway! And for a man but he may not be aware of it's importance. The loss of this intimacy is one of the reasons men often die quickly after their long term life partner dies - they have no one else to share intimate thoughts or more importantly , themselves.My definition of emotional intimacy is the ability to be absolutely yourself and know that it is OK; the ability to say what you think and more imporantly , express how you feel and be accepted - maybe not agreed with but accepted.
I'm sure there are many different sorts of intimacy: the intimacy that comes from sharing our body with another person- that moment when the two combine and 'become one'. This is a precious by product of a loving and caring realtionship - it does not come from just plain old sex! It's possible to have sex without intimacy which is OK ; but to make love , into which is poured all the feelings, respect and caring you have for the other person, this is the formula for an earth moving experience! And intimacy is the secret ingredient.
It reminds me of a Valentine's Day card I saw - the front said "Flowers, cards, presents - they're all OK' , then you open up the card and see 'but an orgasm, now that's a real present!'. Maybe that's the male version card- to me, the female version (and, secretly the preferred male version) would read 'but true intimacy, now that's a real present!'
Intimacy takes time. We need time to know ourselves and to really get to know another person - often we think we know them, in fact, we are sure we know everything about them, but do we ever really unerstand another human being completely? That's part of the excitement of life and relationships - the continual exploration and journey - about ourselves and everyone we love.
anduncomfortable or frightening, because it requires us to be vulnerableimportant in life,is it something we can learn
This concept of safety is paramount for growth , harmony and intimacy with anyone in life. Safe places and people are oases in the vast desert of life. This is where we can replenish ourselves, and nurture and explore other parts of ourselves.
You can recognize a 'safe' person or people by the Wbay you feel when you are around them. It's easy; no stress; you know that what you say will not be taken out of context; you will not be judged or condemned; your feel at peace and relaxed; somehow it feels 'right'; you feel energized as you walk away; you know they like and/or love you. You know that if you make yourself vulnerable to these people or in this place that no harm will come to you.
To learn intimacy we need to practice. In a safe place or with safe people, start s
with whom
Then there are different forms of intimacy with friends , family , colleagues (as we share work jokes etc) , children and ourselves. Intimacy with the self according to Dr Chopra is the intimacy with God, a unity and sense of oneness and is a necessary prerequisite for ecstasy. I'm not sure I completely understand this but there's a part of me at some level that believes it!
understand Intimacy is the gossamer thread of life that keeps us connected. And feeling connected is a secret of inner peace.
