From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
I found a terrific book called "Love Lies - what men don't know and women won't admit" by Deborah McKinlay. She, and it is a riot! And well worth reading.
She offers reasons for behaviors in modern relationships, particularly from the viewpoint of the 1990's woman. One particularly funny chapter is about the development of a relationship in it's early stages.
Women, McKinleay claims , have a thing called 'first month nausea' which attacks them during 'phase one' of a new romance. Women rarely have brief flings that mean nothing. In fact, most women take most relationships pretty seriously. But we don't let men know this (if we are smart).
So, we have a chance meeting with someone who we find attractive. He seems interested in us. It is of course the man's job at this stage to do the 'hunting'. We women are perceived as aggressive - or forward - if we make the obvious moves at this point. So we let him know we might be interested.
In fact, (Big HINT for single women!) if we are really smart we will look at him in a way that suggests we are wondering if he would be good enough for us! This acts as a direct challenge for most men who will hotly pursue the mysterious, slightly aloof and interesting woman, to prove he is not only good enough but fabulous!
Of course, the woman's job is to wait until HE decides to make the first call. He is - well , may be, - dealing with the possible issues of rejection - but mostly, the male knows if there was a spark of interest from the woman and if he would be successful. And he is just waiting for a moment when he has time and inclination, to make the call.
Meanwhile she experiences 'first month nausea'. According to McKinleay, we stay in - in case he calls. We wonder if our answering machine is on the blink; we check to see if the dial tone is working; we create unspoken deadlines. We spend hours replaying our performance at the first meeting and spend hours wishing we had done something differently.
And here's a BIGGIE. Women HATE it when men say they will call, when they have no intention of calling - they were just being polite!
Dave Barry a wonderful American comedy writer once wrote an article on this exact issue. He said that men felt obliged to say 'I'll call' as a goodbye gesture. They had no intention of calling but felt it saved the woman's 'face' if they said it. Attention all men out there - women do NOT want to hear those words if you don't mean them! You don't have to say that you would only ever call her again if your life depended on it - and even then you would think twice - just say goodbye or thanks for a good evening and leave it at that so she doesn't experience this nausea daily for a month!
Anyway, she's going through this anguish. Meanwhile ...
"Men change their lives in no way whatsoever. Men are in a good mood because they've met a new woman who is quite fun and sexy. Men eventually call, act flirty and casually suggest a rendezvous. Men are blissfully unaware of the awesome significance of the exact timing of their phone call. Men unwittingly set phase two in motion."
She goes on to point out that phase two is when we tentatively find out selected facts about each other. He can ring her - and often forgets to. She, now it's the nineties, can ring him but NOT MUCH. She usually has three heart attacks before she calls. Phase three follows when things go well, he calls more and she calls less, and sex is good.
In phase three, he calls a lot; grins when friends mention there's 'some woman'; and tries to keep busy thinking about other things. She tells all her friends everything about him; changes her entire wardrobe and look; aadjusts her whole life and 'resents anything that stops her thinking about him'! Their feelings are similar but - here's the crunch- their expectations of what those feelings mean are completely different!
The woman assumes the man sleeping with her , who has said I love you, who behaves lovingly, should be faithful. The man at this time, hasn't given the issue much thought. She thinks that being in love and faithful indicates the relationship has a future. The man hasn't thought about it too much. She wants to know what the future is. The man now has to think very fast!
Women want to know very early on where they stand. Men seem to like to go with the flow; go by feel and 'see how things go'.
This book is a riot! And full of interesting , accurate and humorous insights into how we relate to each other. I recommend it a required reading for all people - single or married.
825 words
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Palatino¿ÄÄE’E'loveliesAmanda GoreAmanda Gore
