From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
Why is it that when some (most?) men do the washing up they stand back and bring it to everybody’s attention so they can receive praise for this momentous task?
Ha! Ha! just kidding. However, this does appear to be a recurrent theme in many households. Even Hugh McKay mentions it in his book (Reinventing Australia) as one of the greatest criticisms women have of the men in their households. That any task they may perform to assist in the housework arena is accompanied by a need to be recognized with a medal or two or perhaps just a neighbourhood broadcast!
Now, obviously, there are exceptions to this rule. I’m sure there are lots of sensitive , new age guys out there who love taking over the majority of the daily household running activities, whilst maintaining a busy work schedule and who expect absolutely no recognition, acknowledgment or praise. (Please send your phone numbers to this newspaper!).
Some of my married male friends who have been left to fend for themselves and the children while their wives are a) having another child, b) on a business conference or c) having a nervous breakdown consistently remark, in awe, on how much their partners do each day.
Of course, any male left to fend on his own in this cruel and heartless way is often assisted by three live in (Swedish) nannies, a mother in law or two and at least four invitations out to dinner each night - obviously, we can’t let the poor man starve or die of loneliness!
Ever notice how when a woman is left alone in similar circumstances, no one rings her for weeks let alone to invites her out to dinner? Why is it that people assume all women can cook and are never lonely and all men need not only sustenance but also company?
I don’t have the answer! I wish I did. Perhaps you’d like to write in with your ideas as to why this phenomenon occurs! Some more social research! Now, don’t get upset with me, these are just observations I have made , which are reinforced by comments from others and famous researchers like Hugh McCoy. And this is important for the wellness of women and also to avoid the over feeding of men who are left alone for short periods of time.
How women juggle the conflicting roles of partner, mother and full time worker amazes me and I’m a woman! One of my best friends who does in fact do all these things , is still hanging on (via a thin thread) to her sanity.
Some American research showed that many women bring in as much if not more money than their partners. And if that’s the case maybe we need to challenge the traditional ways of looking at how the whole range of duties is shared. The changing gender roles are confusing everyone. Women are stressed off their trolleys juggling and trying to fulfill old models of what we are meant to be like and even I think battling genetic predispositions (like guilt because I’m not a home being a good mother) ; and men are stressed off their trolleys cos they don’t know what they’re supposed to do! They offer to help and get shot down in flames for wanting to be recognized for their contribution.
Anyway, the bottom line is that things are different, and unstable. And it looks like they will stay that way. Maybe highlighting these issues in a light hearted way will allow us to open up communication channels and discuss some of the new expectations on men and women in relationships. And sweep away some underlying resentments over who does what and how much and what is ‘fair’.
So for your wellness and the wellness of your relationship give some thought to these matters and have a few friends come round for a discussion evening! Probably, all the men will sit in a corner and drink beer and talk about how difficult their lives have become and the ladies will congregate in another place (God forbid, the kitchen) and discuss how difficult their lives have become. and then you’ll all go home and feel normal! May not achieve radical changes but you’ll feel that you are not the only ones suffering. Good luck!
