From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
Men's plight
SEVERAL YEARS AGO , the results of a study on divorced men were released. Started in 1984, 150 men divorced men were studied to determine the impact of their emotional experience. The results indicate that most men are badly wounded by divorce and separation. And it's been said that men are unfeeling creatures! Not so apparently.
In this study, Peter Jordan reports that the 90's man is more likely to blame the woman than the 80's man. Could that be because in two thirds of separations the woman iniates the process? And that 50% of the men were still angry 10 years after the divorce and 40% wanted to know why their wives left. One third felt the divorce was a mistake.
His recommendations for the men were to seek professional help (counselling) and to wait at least two years before entering another long term serious relationship.
The release of the findings of this study are timely for a friend of mine who has finalised a hideous divorce this week. And I would like to dedicate this article to him and his children so that one day in the future his children will be able to read how much their father loved them and fought to have them in his life - and the pain he went through when he lost.
I know there are children who need to be protected from their fathers , and they should most definitely be separated. My experience lately has been that there are many men who are willing to , in fact desperately want to, have custody or frequent access to their children; and they are decent ,loving, caring men who make great fathers.
Divorce is never easy - for either partner - and please understand I am all for fairness and equity and justice in these breakups. However, the story of my friend has given me first hand experience of the failure of the Family Court to 'give the father a chance.
As one man who called into a radio station this week put it "If I have an affair and my wife leaves me, she'll get everything. If she has an affair , I can leave her and she still gets everything and I end up living in a caravan." So financially , most divorced men end up significantly handicapped! Of course they must provide what is fair for looking after children and the necessary support; and there are many mongrels out there who ignore maintenance and care nothing about their children, but fair is fair, must all men be penniless if they have not committed any heinous act to trigger the break up?
So what about the Paul's of this world? This man (who typifies a growing group of younger fathers) who adores his children, wanted to go to counselling with his wife as soon as he realized something was wrong - and she refused - repeatedly. He bought relationship books for them both to read and did everything he could to help them grow as a couple. He gave her huge amounts of money weekly to live on.
She was in significant debt when she came to the marriage and although she worked for 5 years, it was his house they sold to buy their home; and it was his parents that lent them money for that home; it was his earnings that allowed her to not work and lead a very comfortable lifestyle for 2 years while she looked after the children.
She wanted to leave and to move from Sydney back to Perth, where her family , not his, lived. She said quote "I'm leaving you, if you want to see your children , move to Perth." When he consulted solicitors to see if he could stop her that he was told 'she would eventually be able to transfer out of Sydney, no matter what he did." In fact, he learned today that she can leave the country if she wants to and he can do nothing to stop her taking the children away.
Then the day he and she were sitting in the solicitors office she had her father go to their home and his house was stripped bare ( she left 2 cups and a plate; his parent dining room table and a bed) and his 2 boys, aged 5 and 11 months) had gone. She even took his wedding ring and childhood memorabilia. She refused to tell him where they were staying before they went to Perth.
The next 2 years is a story of immense pain, grief and loss as he struggled with no money to save to fly to Perth (she refused to allow a flight attendant to bring th echildren over) , stay two nights (she wouldn't allow his children to go with him unless they had two days to reaquaint with him) then fly back; then another return air fare to deliver them back to the place she had taken them without his consent.
And the phone calls where she would not let him speak to the children; or she would hang up on him; she would ring and abuse him in front of the children and feel them stories of how their father didn't love them. all this as I watch this man's will to live crumble - she behaved in a way I would not have believed possible for a mother to behave. This man is a good friend to me - he's a kind , sensitive and caring person who knows he may not be a perfect communicator and is trying ot do something about it. He lives for his children.
He has just been through the property settlement. The judge gave him no concessions. He has tp pay her a lump sum of money. To do this he must sell his house; pay her, the mortgage and his parents the money they lent him. (The judge didn't believe they lent the money as her barrister reduced two old people to nervous ,and subsequently frightened wrecks.)
For acesss to his children, he still has to pay for two return tickets for himself and the accomodation. He can only have them for a short time eaach holiday. She has just informed him that he cannot see his son on his birthday. Most times he rings he is not allowed to speak to his sons and despite this he was not granted permsiion to have a set time to call them. If he wishes to challenge any of her decisions not to agree to the acess arrangements he has to go to court (at $4000.00 a pop).
This is unfair. Guys , if you fit Paul's category you have to do something to keep your sanity. Seek counselling from a qualified therapist or psychologist. Write your children letters (although Paul's wife didn't give the children their letters).
Keep a diary so your children will one day know how much you loved them and wanted to stay in touch - and so you can release some of the emotions. Find some other guys in the same situation and spend time together supporting each other. Talk and talk and talk to these men who understand the pain you are experiencing. Then talk some more. Learn to express yoru emotions - noth in the diary and out loud.
Exercise vigorously each day rather than drink or smoke heavily. Buy a punching bag and use it vent your anger. Learn to meditate and do it twice a day - it may save you from a heart attack.
