From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
Men's response to bonking article- trust and commitment - how to minimize the chances of starting a disastrous relationship
There are at least three men out there in reader land who sound like every woman's dream! And I would like to thank them for writing in with their thoughts in response to an article I wrote about a male friend of mine who was stunned that a woman he was seeing would not actually 'hear' him say the words "I am not ready for a long term involvement/ relationship/ commitment". Believing he had been 'honest' with her, he expected to have a regular bonking partner with no strings attached!
I cautioned men in the article to realize that (most) women who become involved sexually with them will be involved at all levels and will overtly or covertly be looking for a (gulp) committed relationship.
My faith is somewhat restored - but I fear it's the maturity of the men who responded that has something to do with this. These men - all in their forties - wrote beautiful letters outlining the difficulty they had with women not wanting commitment- or not being willing to trust or be honest. (A case of the walking wounded too scared to become involved again?)
I suspect that the sensitivity of their responses comes from their maturity and life experiences and that younger, or less mature men are mostly happy (in fact prefer) to 'bonk' as often as possible with as little responsibility as possible! I'm sure there are some young women out there who feel the same.
The men who wrote in had some wonderful insights which I would like to share - with some of my own ideas as well.
They pointed out that perhaps some people adopted an outside in approach versus an inside out approach- I heartily agree. We are often looking for someone else to come along and fill the gaps in our lives; to make us whole; to make us happy.
When we really need to be exploring ourselves and finding out what we need to be complete and whole, and then do the psychological, emotional, physical or mental work it requires.
A meaningful relationship is what we crave after we have 'played' for a while; we have had fun but no real soul connection; there comes a time in most people's lives when superficial , temporary relationships no longer satisfy our emotional needs.
But by then most women and men are so hurt or damaged that finding a non wounded individual is almost impossible!
So folks here's my receipe for making the best of a tricky emotional time in our world:
- Get to know yourself first. Find out about your wounds - whether from past relationships or your childhood and then repair yourself. This may involve reflection, research, understanding and forgiveness . You may be able to do this yourself or you may seek expert help ( a smart move I think as it generally speeds up the process).
- Decide what you need to do, be or have to be a happy, fulfilled, contented and whole individual and then do it. There is nothing as attractive as a person who is living a full and rewarding life and who is happy or at least content with their lot. It's the best aphrodisiac known to humans. And as you busy yourself doing all the things you enjoy, you'll probably meet lots of friends and potential partners.
- Then screen people carefully and get to know them before you embark on any sort of relationship. Beware of anyone who is recently out of a serious relationship - I think they need about 2 years to reel, recover, learn from what happened, grow and bounce back to an even better self! Spend lots of time with potential partners doing 'friend' things together; ask millions of questions to explore their thoughts, feelings and values, observe their behaviors and reactions (not their words); laugh with them; find out what excites them (intellectually!); get to know their family or family history - after all this could be the biggest investment of your life - do the necessary research.
- Be honest - with yourself and others. Your gut feelings, your intuition or inner knowing will guide you if you tune into it. If you have niggling doubts, tiny questions or uncertainties - there are always warning signs of impending doom - stay alert to our inner feelings or wisdom.
5, Know what your values are. What is important to you? Do you have standards for yourself and do you know what is acceptable and non acceptable behavior from yourself and others? This is absolutely essential - you must treat yourself with the respect you deserve and demand it from anyone with whom you wish to be involved. Then do you stick to your beliefs - that is, maintain your personal integrity as Graham (one of the men who responded) put it? How often do people cast aside their integrity and values to accommodate someone else; and because you have lost respect for yourself they lose any respect they had for you and this is a direct route to disaster in relationships.
- Remember that the sexual act itself is a blending of two people - in new age terms every time you 'have sex' with someone , you blend your energy with theirs and can pick up not just physical disorders but also emotional or psychological or spiritual disorders! Yuck! Think carefully before your progress from being friends to lovers!
So hang in there folks (and the fellas who responded!). Just realize that as we mature (which we can do at any age) and want more from relationships than just casual sex, it usually means we have to do some work on ourselves. As we approach being whole we can attract others who are similar and not needy. In which case the relationships are well worth waiting for because they are a wonderful addition to an already rich life - not the desperate solution to a miserable life!
