From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
compatability JASON I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS ONE BEFORE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!
Remember a time when you first fell in love? You had found your perfect life partner; someone who was just like you; your soulmate; who laughed at the same things, had similar interests - in fact , was your other 'half'.
Everything was rosy until some time had gone by. Until the blinkers of infatuation, lust, love have worn off! And we suddenly realize this person is not 'just like us'; is not identical; has different ideas and thoughts and feelings and doesn't always agree with us! Oh no!
Reality has hit us with a big thump! And we have to realize that the person we thought was our exact mirror is in fact an individual , from a different background , with different experiences and beliefs and opinions. Our real challenge starts when we notice and acknowledge these differences and ask ourselves can 'I live with this person who is different from me?'
This is where compatability kicks in. I did some research by asking 20 couples what they thought were factors critical in a couple being compatabable
Firstly you need to know yourself - to know what values, beliefs, and behaviors important to you, what you want in someone else; what attributes you can bring to a relationship.
do you have the same values
how do your family backgrounds compare
are you both optimistic or pessimistic
how do you both value time - is one a human alarm clock and one perpetually late?
What makes you both laugh
What activities do you like to do.
What hobbies do you both have
What helps you relax
How do you handle conflict and how did you as a child. How did you behave as a child when you were angry - how about as an adult
How well can you talk to each other and talk about differences or conflict?
How flexible is your behavior
How committed to having a long term relationship
What are your ideas on fidelity
What are your ideas on children, religion
What do you like to do on holidays?
How do their families work as a unit? Was there a divorce? Are they close? Do they hug, talk about issues, get on well? How do they handle disputes or conflict?
How well do they get on with their family? What are their ideas on family
es what they thought were important aspects to know about each other to help determine your compatability:
are in life. To know what you think about relationships and the sort of relationship you want to have. What you can bring to a relationship - what would your strengths and weaknesses be?
What you want in someone else? What sort of person do you want - what behaviors and beliefs do you think you would like in someone else?
D about life? Values are the things that drive us - the benchmarks by which we judge things that happen to us in life or determine the ways we behave in life. How do you feel about trustworthyness, honesty, security, love, humor, learning, fun, integrity, fidelity, environmental awareness, balance in life? What other important issues need to be considered here?
H? Did you have similar socio economic backgrounds? Was your schooling similar? Were your parents happily married, miserably married or divorced? Do you have good relationships with brothers and sisters?
A pe? It's a challenge if you are generally optimistic and you live with a pessimist - or vice versa. It's OK in the beginning but becomes very wearing.
H Although this may not be a problem initially (when everyone's making a huge effort!) , it can blossom into a major source of conflict.
? How do you like to play, unwind and relax? Can you and your partner laugh at yourselves? People who take themselves seriously can be exhausting if you come from a lighter perspective.
do you like to do? Are you both into outdoor pursuits or both bookworms? Do you love sport, cinema, horseraces - or hate them? And w - or would like to develop? and what makes a familyHow do you both behave when you are tired; upset; anxious or stressed?What makes you feel really close to someone
How flexible are you both? Are you both willing to (and do) compromise when necessary?
How do or did your parents handle conflict? ?
es the family
Is it an important value? Are you willing to do what is necessary to preserve or enhance long term relationships? ? C? R?
pessimistic and destructivewith timeDo you like to lie about and do nothing or be wildly active or travel to 24 countries in 5 days! Do you prefer the beach or mountains?
- and with each other on life opera, music, What's the best way for you to calm down?
And now for the BIG one! It would appear that the greatest predictor of whether a couple will survive the rigours of modern living is how well they deal with conflict. How well can you communicate with each other - especially under stress? How do you resolve differences? Or fights? Are you able to agree to disagree? Can you talk together ? And more importantly can you listen - really listen, to the other person? And hear the feelings behind their words?
What else do you think contributes to a couple being compatible? Perhaps it would be useful to use this article as a starting point for a discussion - with each other or with your children - it's certainly not part of the school curriculum - but might be useful if it was.
or were (or are!) ,assesscan you
As a couple - or potential couple -
learning, What brings out the best and worst in you both?
