From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
say you're sorry
Think of the last time you made a sincere apology. What impact did it have? I read an article last week suggesting we should teach our children (not to mention ourselves) the art of apology. What a good idea! So many situations become ongoing feuds or major dramas when a simple, well constructed apology would have 'saved the day'.
Religious teachings encourage penance, forgiveness and repentance, but other than learning from parents, or other role models, where do we learn how to say I'm sorry. And boy, is it hard for most people to do!
When we have wounded or offended someone our relationship with them is affected until we make amends in some way. According to Dr Aaron Lazare , three factors are important in the way we hurt (intentionally or unintentionally) someone - the 'meaning the event carries to the offended party, the relationship between offender and offended, and the vulnerability of the offended to take things personally'.
He suggests an apology has an anatomy and certain criteria have to be fulfilled for the apology to be successful.
- we must accept responsibility for violating the relationship
- the apology must be specific and refer to the act rather than 'I'm sorry for what I have done'
- we must understand and acknowledge the pain we caused and the impact our words/behavior had. In this way we admit we violated a value we both feel is important
- we must explain why we committed the offense in the first place - this says our behavior is different from who we really are. And then say (and mean) it will not happen again
- we need to tell the other person that our behavior was not meant to be a personal attack so they can feel safe with us again in the future (unless of course it was!)
- we must express genuine regret - let them know how much we feel guilt, anxiety or shame. This tells them the relationship is important to us, we are distressed we hurt them and we are disappointed with ourselves
7 then we need to ask if there is anything we need to do to compensate. Or just do something you feel is appropriate without asking
Whew! And I thought that all we had to do was say a simple old 'I'm sorry'! And mean it! Apologies can fail if we are insincere - eg "I'm sorry you are upset with me' vs "I'm sorry I hurt you'; if we trivialise the hurt or offense; or if we choose bad timing. But Dr Lazare reckons that the biggest hurdle is pride and a belief that apologising is a sign of weakness.
To say we're sorry takes awareness, to realize the impact of our behavior; courage to recognize we were wrong or harmed someone; strength to take responsibility and acknowledge our mistake; compassion to appreciate the damage done and want to make amends and character to make sure it doesn't happen again. Hardly a whimpish activity!
So what does all this mean for everyday life? Maybe it's a good time to reflect on the value of saying 'I'm sorry' and be conscious of how you feel about apologising. Do you see it as weakness or strength? Do you say 'sorry' often enough? Do you say it too often - demeaning it or failing to learn from the last 13 times we made the same error? Do you say it and not really feel remorse or regret? (This in my opinion is the worst scenario). Do you want to say it and get stuck?
If saying the words is too daunting to start with what about writing your apology - writing our feelings is often easier than speaking them, and the person can take time to reflect on your words. There are cards commercially available to do it for you! Or flowers with a note; a bear holding a letter - there are lots of little creative ways to say I'm sorry - remember, 'actions speak louder than words'.
A friend of mine who recognized the difficulty many people have when it comes to expressing their feelings out loud had a great technique. He had a bear (you could substitue any item here) and the bear would 'express' the feelings! I know, you say , that sounds stupid. But it's not so dumb! It's amazing how much easier a bear can express what you are feeling than you!!
Perhaps we need a wellness approach to apologising! Thant is, think a little more before we create a situation that requires an apology - in other words avoid offending people or be more aware of the possible impact of your words or actions.
What are we teaching children when we force them to apologize to their siblings/ friends? Especially when they don't want to say 'sorry'! I guess it's morals and values - that we mustn't hurt others physically or emotionally - on purpose,and to make amends if we do. Would it be of value to give them some of this information (not if they are three!) so they have a sort of guideline for successful apologies?
Mind you, as Dr Lazare points out 'the success of an apology rests on the dynamics of the two parties ,not on a pat receipe'. However, the issues he has raised are food for thought! (How corny was that..........sorry. There, I said it!)
