From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
Recently, a woman called Barbara Given at the George Mason University in the USA studied a group of 46 men and 65 women who were newly divorced or separated. The average age was 43. Apparently , both sexes agreed on basic expectations from a relationship and a partner; and on their order of importance.
But...when it came to what men think women expect, and what women think men expect, they run into problems!
Apparently, Dr Given focused on eight main areas of expectations and the results indicate the importance of couples communicating more clearly.
Seems to me the Americans may have similar thinking to us Aussies - see what you think!
Affection: both men and women were more interested in emotional and thoughtful signs than physical or sexual ones! BUT - women exaggerated men's expectations for sex! In other words, women expected men to want more physical and sexual affection than men actually expected.
(I think this might be true in Oz as well ! Maybe the poor old Aussie bloke feels he needs to live up to the 'macho' sex machine image and women perpetuate the role playing. It would seem that men like/want caring and thoughtful and emotional behaviors as much as women.
Maybe we should send flowers to men and initiate romantic behaviors more often. It's quite common for men to speak to me after conferences and comment on how they wish women would be more demonstrative and affectionate - not just physically. Maybe, men avoid romantic behavior because they think women will think they are wimps?
Ladies - why not expect your man or the men around you to like emotional support as much as we do. And fellas, how about you let your partner know that you appreciate both aspects of affection. Well, both talk about what you expect anyway - maybe the study was wrong!)
Communication: both sexes rated communication highly but both underestimated the expectations of the opposite sex in terms of openness and sincerity in communication. So , I guess that means we both really value openness and sincerity more than our partner thinks we do? How much do you value it in a relationship? Try a scale of 1 - 10 and rate the importance you place on it and compare it to your partner's. Then talk about how safe you feel to communicate openly in this relationship - and how could you make it safe if it isn't. How do you know if the other person is sincere? What body language and voice tones indicate sincerity? eg. watching the TV while listening and distractedly muttering 'umm' is a dead give away!
Honesty: both men and women placed more importance on honesty from themselves than on expecting partners to be honest! This one is a humdinger! So we don't expect our partner's to be honest? Maybe this is a reflection of the group who was studied - recently separated or divorced. I reckon they may have been a little biased in this area. Still , I suppose it's a good question to ask each other - how honest do you expect me to be?
Compatibility: women apparently did not recognize the importance of female friends to men. (Just friends) Maybe we don't trust other women with our men! I think American men may be more comfortable with successful, career orientated women if the interpretations I made from Hugh McKay's research are accurate. I wonder how many Australian men do have female friends with whom they prefer to spend time - as opposed to the boy's night at the pub. Do you think Harry was right in the film When Harry Met Sally when he said men can't be friends with women without some sort of sexual (unstated or otherwise) attraction? This might be another good dinner party topic of discussion!
Unconditional acceptance: men were less aware of women's need for clear signs of emotional support and acceptance. (ie: women like to be reassured much more than men realize, that they are loved and special - my interpretation! ) Based on reactions from the conference groups to whom I speak, it would appear that most men feel their partners are often insecure and need buckets of boring reassurance that they are loved and accepted. Your partner is no different gentlemen! Most women would like more reassurance than they receive - lots of "I love you's! More than you would expect!
Attractiveness: both sexes think appearance is more important to the opposite sex than either states it is! Men incorrectly think women want a 'hunk' and women think men want thin women. But both state they want good grooming and good manners. Here's another curly one! Does being gorgeous looking with a fabulous figure act as a turn on or turn off?
That is, most people who are not drop dead gorgeous looking are too frightened to approach the drop dead gorgeous ones for fear of major rejection. And although the good lookers may receive the most initial interest, people who take care with how they look, make the most of their best features, have good manners and who have 'sparkling insides' are often far more attractive and appealing.
Anyway, charisma isn't looks - it's a certain something that shines out of the inner person. Look around the people you like, admire and are attracted to - what are the common qualities? Who wants to live with a beautiful bitch? Or a gorgeous looking bastard? Given the truth of this observation, why not focus our time on 'inner gorgeousness' rather than dieting, starvation, and appearances?
Enthusiasm: both expect to have fun with a partner who displays a good sense of humor and - especially - enthusiasm for the relationship. I reckon enthusiasm is in danger of becoming extinct! People are too tired, bored, disillusioned and distracted to be enthusiastic any more. Where is their purpose in life? Their passion? Their appreciation of the many minor miracles that happen every day? And of the simple pleasures in life? If you're going to clean the car, do it dynamically! Do a great job no matter what you are doing! Do it the best you can and take pride in what you do. Be excited that you woke up this morning - lots of people didn't! I know this may sound corny but it's true - we all expect so much from life and focus on all our difficulties and problems that it's no wonder that half the population is depressed! Lighten up and pretend you are enthusiastic even if you don't feel like it - you'll be surprised at how well it works!!
Intelligence: both men and women expect to have stimulating and challenging interactions but neither thinks the other does! What does this mean? That we both expect our partners to want mindless conversation and routine dullness? Do you have exciting conversations with your partner? Do you learn new things together and discuss and debate issues?
I think most of us fall into the 'familiarity breeds boredom and no effort' syndrome. Because we have been with our partner for more than six months we just watch telly rather than do all that animated talking we did when we first met - when we were eager to know all about the other person and how they thought and what they felt. It was easy in the beginning because there was so much we didn't know. Discussing deeper issues and values and needs and beliefs requires more effort and personal growth so we stop making the effort - it might be threatening. Being in a relationship where you know the other person accepts you unconditionally is a fabulous place for growth and development - and that is one of the reasons we live - to enjoy life, to learn, to grow and develop as we mature. The old saying "when you're green , you grow; when you're ripe you rot!" applies! Think you know it all and you'll rot the rest of your life away!
So, do you know what you're partners true needs are? Or do you THINK/assume you know? Do you know your own needs and expectations? Make sure that no matter what relationship you are in , you take time and effort to explore these issues. Unless you really know what they need/want/expect, you may be misinterpreting lots of situations and behaviors. What we think the other person needs/wants/expects will be what we see - not the real situation or the truth. We see what we expect to see.
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