From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
128 Self Esteem for Children
Yesterday I was in Darwin about to present at a public seminar when a woman asked me if I could include any tips on building children’s self esteem.
She was the special teacher of ten children who had such poor self esteem that it interfered with their schooling. She had already made great progress with them and was a very loving person, that alone would have made her extremely effective with these children.
Apparently, there was one girl who was being a grave energy sucker in the group, she didn’t want to be there , she resisted any help, didn’t join in, and generally dampened the spirits of everyone in the group. The first thing to do was attend to that girl on a one to one basis; for a child that was not willing to participate or who didn’t want to change in any way to be forced to stay in the group would be detrimental for her and the group. She had been given many chances and had not responded so she was better out than in!
I believe one of the most critical self esteem boosters for children and adults is to remember to separate the person from the behavior. In other words, when admonishing anyone, say ‘I love you, but your behavior is unacceptable’. Before we scream ‘you stupid idiot’ at someone we should pause and consider the ramifications.
If someone influential in our young lives, a parent, a teacher, a sibling or a peer at school, tells us (repeatedly or just once but with real feeling!) we are stupid, clumsy, awkward, shy, unmanageable, difficult or lousy at maths/science/sport, ugly or fat there is a chance that we will hear those words forever. And that we may believe those comments whether they are true or not. Negative self talk is one of the finest and most effective ways to destroy self esteem.
Always remember to let your children know you love them, not their behavior and that they must change unsatisfactory behavior. Reinforce how wonderful they are at specific tasks, or studies or sport; remind them how special they are; how beautiful they are; what good personalities they have and how creative, talented , competent and happy they are. Catch them doing something well and compliment them.
Set yourself a task to compliment your child, children, partner and yourself every day. A useful game to play with kids is the “I am worth loving” game. Cut out little cardboard (red was the color I used) hearts and write “I am worth loving” on these hearts. Pin them to your child’s chest one night and introduce the game. Everyone sits around the table and gives two reasons why they are worth loving. Then every other person at the table responds with one reason they think you are worth loving! If you play this game once a month or more, it establishes a ritual in children to understand the many reasons they are worthy of love.
Or perhaps you could imagine that all your children are walking around with banners saying ‘make me feel special’ on their foreheads! We do this for toddlers if we are good parents and forget about it as children grow, both adults and children love being made to feel special, make it a daily routine.
It may help to install in children the idea that mistakes equal learning, not failure. Nothing will destroy a child’s self worth or confidence more quickly than someone berating them for trying and then not succeeding immediately. We don’t do that to toddlers as they are learning to walk, do we? We laugh and encourage them on if they try and fall over and then go berserk with clapping and joy when they take two steps before falling over! If we continued this approach to a child’s learning, we may have children, especially boys, with better self respect and esteem.
All these ideas can contribute to the development of a healthy self esteem, but can anything really substitute for the love , admiration and adoration of parents? Or grandparents? If that’s not possible, then the love, nurturing and genuine caring of another person who really believes in you, like that wonderful teacher who asked me the question, may be the most crucial ingredient in the receipe for high self esteem.
727 words
