From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
SEX - ARE YOU NORMAL?
Sex is the best 'relationship wellness indicator' I can think of! We all know that when the relationship is great, sex is great. We remember this when we are giving our friends advice or reading stories of couples in trouble.
When our own sex life is in trouble, we develop amnesia and forget that sex is a symptom and not the problem! We often choose not to notice or deal with issues that are slowly but surely eroding our intimacy, love, affection, and caring for each other. We focus on the fact that everyone else - every other couple in the world is a) happier than us and b) having more sex than us! It's the last bit that really gets to us.
Well, I have good news for those of you who think you're getting less than your fair share. Rosie King's brilliant new book "Good Loving , Great Sex" has just been released and in it she quotes Forum Magazine. Apparently, four out of five people think that other people are having more sex than they do! When in fact, a study in the New England Journal of Medicine by Frank, Anderson and Rubinstein found that a third of married couples studied were having intercourse two or three times a month!
Another survey suggested that one third of married couples went for long periods without sexual intercourse, with the average being once every eight weeks! And the bulk of these folks interviewed were under 38 years of age!
So, now we've established that the truth is that you are in fact probably being bonked far more than the average couple out there or that you are in line with the average couple, lets look at how to make sure that sex is always great.
Before you sigh and think 'not another article on sex telling us what we already know', I would like to expand the concept of sex (you probably already know this anyway but it sounded good when I wrote it!).
For a change, I want to give men the benefit of the doubt! I know that most men (maybe with the exception of very young testosterone pumping fellas) feel far more satisfaction from making love to a partner with whom they feel close and loving. The old 'wham, bam thank you maam' sex doesn't do much for most men's souls, contrary to popular opinion!
Just as many men as women are longing, in this era of uncertainty, change, speed , isolation and loneliness, to have intimacy, loving, closeness, sharing and companionship. The big difference is that for women, sex is a result of those feelings and for men (grossly generalising of course) sex is the precursor to those feelings!
So there's the dilemma! Not to mention Rosie King's DD theory - desire discrepancy. In other words, when you want it more that your partner and vice versa. I love her practical, effective and compassionate approach to this problem. She says couples don't write off the relationship because they have different sleep needs ; or if they like different foods or have different exercise patterns. They find creative ways to adapt. But libidos that aren't in perfect sync - well then , of course it's a sign of a mismatched couple! And instead of communicating and working out a sensible solution - it becomes a cold war.
When we are rational, rested and happy this is perfectly logical to us, if not obvious. When we are in the throws of a relationship in trouble, where we are both exhausted , communication has withered , touching is non existent (except when 'he wants sex' or 'she knows she has to') and we have become 'married singles', we tend to focus on sex as the whole problem instead of all those other, often confronting and difficult to address, issues.
Where do couples learn to communicate? Who teaches us the skills of emotional intelligence we need to sensitively and effectively let each other know how we are feeling? If you haven't attended courses or didn't see it at home as you were growing up, no one. It's the number one skill anyone needs for a great sex life! All great sex is in your brain anyway! (True , new research shows that stimulating the septal nucleus in the brain gives us an orgasm.)
A really satisfying sex life for most people is one that is an integral part of loving relationship. In the courtship days, sex is fabulous because each partner is totally involved and frantically giving the other person everything they need.
He spends lots of time with her; he says beautiful things to her constantly; tells her he loves her; he notices what she is wearing; he is romantic and plans weekends away and other surprises; he gives her flowers for no reason; he chooses to go out with her, not to the footy; he watches little TV and then likes her programs; he talks to her about his life, his past, his fears, hopes and dreams; he is a thoughtful and caring and sensitive lover, taking hours to tantalise, massage, tease and excite her; he remembers special dates; he rings her in the middle of the day to say he loves her - in short he is a wonderful , loving , emotional, caring , sensitive partner. He makes her feel like a princess, she is emotionally satisfied and as a result he is bonked senseless! He's ecstatic because he feels a hero and she can't get enough of him physically!
She, on the other hand, constantly gazes loving into his eyes; she sees him as the most special and wonderful man on earth; she considers herself very lucky and this shines out of every cell in her body while she is with him; she has that dreamy look on her face and that sweet smile every time she gazes lovingly at him; his every touch electrifies her as a result; she tells her friends how wonderful he is; she pays great attention to how she looks - waking up before him to make sure her mascara hasn't run and her hair is OK! She laughs at his jokes an genuinely thinks he's hysterical; she loves washing his clothes and taking care of him; she lets him eat anything and develops an interest in football just to be near him and share a common interest. She is always turned on by all the 'emotional foreplay'. In other words, she makes him feel like a God! Because she thinks he is one!
Then they get married, or move in together.
And the courtship behavior continues for a while.
Slowly but surely, life kicks in. His focus shifts to creating a future for his partner rather than focusing on his partner. He doesn't understand the distinction and the impact that has on her and how she feels.
Her focus is on creating the perfect relationship and maintaining the same romance and excitement of their courtship. She starts to resent the behavioral change in him; his work is more important than she is; he notices her getting picky, wanting to 'change him', they both get tired and lose their emotional balance/equilibrium and very slowly they drift apart - emotionally and physically.
Love making stops but sex goes on - the quality changes and this slowly undermines the quantity. Finally, the lack of it becomes the central focus and only then does the couple realize something might be wrong with the relationship and that sex is maybe the symptom of that. This applies to singles dating and couples cohabiting.
It's critical that we see the relationship as a separate living breathing organism! It has it's own identity, needs, and health status. And each individual in a couple needs to realize that there are times to do things for themselves, times to do things for the other person and times that they need to do things for the relationship even though they might prefer not to.
For example, having weekly dates (yes - weekly) where you discuss anything except children or work. Perhaps you could make these relationship wellness dates? Discuss how you are feeling about the relationship; what you would like out of it; where it is really fulfilling; about your values; your visions of the future for your relationship; create a safe place for you both to honestly ask for what you would like; what are things you would like to change in the relationship etc.
Why not make a list of what 'sex' is for you? It's far more than just a bonk! Or what's the difference between sex and making love or loving? What is sensuous for you? What makes you feel sensuous? What touch turns you on (note for fellas: this is critical for women; the most common statement women make when criticising partners is 'he only ever touches me when he wants sex' - women need 10 non sexual touches a day minimum - and not all at the same time!) What makes a loving and sexy environment? What makes you feel uninhibited? What positions do you like best? What turns you on that most?
What makes you feel loved? What makes you feel loving? What are your most intimate moments together? What do you do that makes your partner feel special? What are your fantasies and dreams and ideas of romance? What's the most romantic moment of your life and why? What were the sexiest moments and why? Where are your erogenous zones? (Hint for men: women's erogenous zones are everywhere except her breasts and crutch! Until she is begging you to touch them! Hint for women: his is almost solely his crutch - with the possible exception of ears!)
Take your focus off sex and forget about IT for a month at least and recreate the loving and romance and intimacy. Remember why you fell in love with them in the first place. Have they changed so much? Spend more time thinking about 'the relationship' not just yourself or how frigid, heartless or sex mad your partner is! Talk to each other - honestly and from your heart. Express your feelings. Hug a lot. (Just hug!) Laugh together. Be intimate, share secrets. Spend time together where you are relaxed and calm - create time and a space for your feelings to surface.
There is always the possibility of physiological issues interfering with sex drive - like drug taking, medications, hormone imbalances etc as well as the psychological issues - performance anxiety , depression ,stress, exhaustion; but the vast majority of factors interfering with our sex life stem from a lack of relating skills and a breakdown in the relationship and deep down, we know it!
It's often easier to blame the other person than choose to explore the unchartered territory of emotions, feelings and couple communication. And sometimes we need help. From outside experts like Dr Rosie or other qualified therapists or councillors. This is a really smart step , not an admission of weakness or failure. Seeking expert help usually fast tracks the whole process and with the right person, usually saves you months of frustration, despondency and struggle. And may prevent the 'roots' of your relationship dying.
Think of your relationship as an exotic plant; it needs careful nurturing, fertilising and watering and feeding. Ignore it and the flowers stop blooming; the leaves start to wither; the stems sag and your plant appears dead. But there might still be life in the root system - although it may not look promising. If treated well and nurtured carefully , the roots will support the regrowth. But if ignored for too long or nurtured too late , the root system dies (metaphorically speaking!) and there is no hope of recovery.
The fragile, exotic flowers are the sexual side of the relationship - it's a 'whole plant problem' indicator. How beautiful are your relationship flowers? What are you doing to make sure they are fabulous, colorful, big and healthy? What nurturing are you doing? What fertiliser are you applying? Take responsibility for yourself and make a commitment to change yourself and watch how the other person responds. Really try to listen to their needs, hear the feelings behind their words and respond to those feelings.
And remember, plants only thrive when they are regularly looked after. So do relationships (and therefore loving and sex). If you enter into a long term relationship you are creating a garden of beautiful exotic plants. It will need regular weeding and watering and replanting and designing and gentle care. The returns are great joy, fulfilment and the satisfaction of creating a magnificent place of beauty , harmony and peace. (Where sex is great!)
