From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
Steve Biddulph The Making of Love
?? REPEAT
I don't knnow if you have heard of an Australian - called Steve and Sharon Biddulph- they are an extraprdinary team who have authored several books and run workshops on relating skills.
Their books are excellent and include Manhood (essential reading for all humans!) and Secrets of Happy Children and More Secrets of Happy children. One that I found particlarly interesting was The Making of Love -How to stay in love as a couple through thick and thin. (Even with kids!).
If you thought men are From Mars and Women are from Venus was good - wait till you read this! And their Aussies. A passage in their book in the section on how to find the right partner really caught my attention.
To quote "Be yourself, like yourself and yoru twin will be there" . This is fundamental to the sucess of any relationship - we must be ourselves , be real and we need to like (and preferably love ) ourselves or how can anyone else know the real us , and like or love us.
Steve and Sharon reckon that the non verbals of a person are written across their chests as if they were wearing T shirts with slogans - that indicate your 'loveability' to others - or more accurately your beliefs about yoru loveability.
Many people walk around with the slogan "pleeeeease love me' blazing out of their chests. Thereby indicating loud and clear the single but desperate category! And this T shirt finds you a mother or a father but not a 'mature , equal sharing lover".
The next slogan shouts out "I don't need your love (anyway)". While you don't need anybody's love as an adult - although it's great to have it, it's the old story of s/he who protests too loudly. This acts as a big barrier to anyone wanting to come near you and is usually bravado to keep us safe and what we think is 'protected'. Not necessarily happy but certainly alone.
And the last T shirt that quietly proclaims "I am worth loving". What a beauty! wouldn't it be wonderful if we could install that belief in all our children - let alone ourselves. in fact for Christmas this year I am going to give all my neices and nephews a T shirt that has this slogan blazoned across their chests in bright, bold colors!
And I'm going to suggest they wear it to bed each night.
How many of us, as adults, could confidently wear that T shirt really believing that we are lovable and worth loving? If you were to stand (alone) in front of a mirror and say to your reflection (as you look directly into your eyes) I am worth loving, what response would you get? Would you heaar a little voice inside your head that says 'YES - you sure are!' or would you be blown away by a cacophany of angry voices shouting all the reasons that you are most definately not worth loving?
If that's the case, are they all your own voices? Or are there some that sound very like your mother's or father's; perhaps your brother's or sister's or some ex lover's who decided to blame you for their failings?
Ask yourself are they all valid? As an adult with (in theory) better powers of reasoning, are these beliefs worth hanging onto? Are they intefering with your ability to find a partner or to make your relationship a happy one?
Is your self esteem so low that you live in fear that your partner will one day wake up and find out that you are (gasp) completely unlovable? Self esteem and the belief that you are indeed most worthy of being loved are intricately linked.
No matter what our behavior, everyone's real self is worth loving - everyone is special. Now, before you accuse me of becoming "cosmic, new age lovey dovey ' she's finally lost it' , think about this statement. No one wakes us inthe morning and makes it a goal to be a complete idiot and pig. we don't lie there wondering how to be unlovable that day! We are alo trying to do the best we can and we all have souls and spirits well worth loving. Some of our behaviors make us question that at times - but it's only behaviors - not our real selves.
and defenses essential
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Self esteem is a tricky concept and even trickier for many people to identify, let alone improve. I think a good clue is to be aware of what we say to ourselves about ourselves. Are we are own best friends? Do we encourage and support ourselves as if we were supporting a friend we loved and wanted to help? Or do we say things to ourselves than we would never dream of saying to anyone we hated, let alone cared for!
Why not make a commitment to listen to your self talk for the next couple of weeks (and what you say to your children - or more frighteningly, what you don't say, but believe about your children).
If you are reinforcing the concept that you are not worthy of being loved then you have a choice. Either continue berating and belittling yourself and live a life of struggle and doubt and fear, or examine the truth of your statements.
If they are true, your next choice is to decide to change your behaviors and therefore beliefs, or stay as you are. If they are not true, then you can choose to change 'the script'. Replace negative, destructive and critical comments with more truthful , realistic ones that boost your confidence and self esteem.
Wearing a T shirt (imaginary or real) that tells the world you are worth loving is a great way to get the most out of life and your relationships. To quote the Biddulphs again " Those who read your T shirt message may or may not choose to take it up. You may choose whether or not they qualify!" See, it's all your choice. You are in the driver's seat. You're the one with the control. Enjoy!
