Hint: you make it about ten thousand times before lunch.
I want to tell you about the worst version of myself. She shows up, reliably, I might add, in airport queues. Specifically, in the queue behind the person who has apparently never encountered a security conveyor belt before in their entire life and is now removing their shoes one at a time while also discovering, slowly, that yes, their laptop does need to come out of the bag. In that moment, I judge that person with an efficiency and creativity that is honestly quite impressive.
The silent running commentary goes something like this: How is this possible? Did they not read the seventeen signs? Have they never flown before? Is this deliberate? Are they doing this to ME? (They are not doing it to me. I know this. My brain does not care.)
And then, sometimes, not always, but sometimes, I catch myself. I notice the story. I see the judgment for what it is. And I ask myself the question I want to ask you today:
"Am I going to choose love or judgment right now?"
That question, simple, ridiculous, profound, is the one I believe changes everything. Not just in airport queues. In boardrooms. In team meetings. In the mirror at 7am. In the moment a colleague sends you That Email. In the conversation where someone says something that lands wrong. In the silence after a difficult performance review.
Every single moment of every single day, you are making this choice. You are either moving toward love, curiosity, warmth, openness, connection, or toward judgment, comparison, criticism, defensiveness, separation. And here's the part that will either excite you or horrify you (or possibly both at once): most of the time, you're not even aware you're choosing.
But First, We Judge Ourselves
Before we ever judge the person in the airport queue, the colleague who interrupted us, the boss who didn't say thank you, or the team member who missed the deadline, we judge ourselves. Constantly. Harshly. On an almost industrial scale.
We run a background program, twenty-four hours a day, that evaluates our performance against a standard that nobody ever actually set, comparing us to a version of ourselves that doesn't exist, narrating our every mistake and cataloguing our every inadequacy. (And then we wonder why we feel tired.)
The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves run the show. 'I'm not good enough.' 'I should be further along by now.' 'If they knew what I was really like, they wouldn't respect me.' 'I always do this.' 'I'm too much.' 'I'm not enough.' Sound familiar? Of course it does. Because we are all doing it. Every single one of us. Including, I promise you, the people you most admire.
THE RESEARCH SAYS: A 2025 fMRI study found that self-judgment activates the same threat-response circuits in the brain as physical danger, meaning your body literally treats your own inner critic as a predator. No wonder it's exhausting. Meanwhile, self-compassion activates the brain's caregiving circuits, releasing oxytocin and dopamine, the same chemicals that create trust and connection between people.
, ScienceDirect, 2025 / Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 2025
Here's what the neuroscience is now telling us loud and clear: judging yourself does not make you better. It does not motivate you. It does not sharpen your performance. Decades of research show that self-criticism actually REDUCES motivation, increases anxiety, and makes you MORE likely to give up when things get hard, not less.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, treating yourself with the same basic warmth you'd extend to a friend who just made a mistake, does the opposite. It increases resilience, improves decision-making, and actually makes you more accountable, not less. (I know. It seems backwards. But the brain is weird.)
The Corporate Cost of Judgment Culture
This isn't just personal. It is profoundly professional. Because the way we talk to ourselves is the way we eventually talk to each other.
When a team is operating in judgment mode, when people are afraid of being criticised, afraid of getting it wrong, afraid of being seen as not enough, the creative brain shuts down. The prefrontal cortex, which handles innovation, problem-solving, and good decision-making, goes quiet. People stop contributing ideas. They stop admitting mistakes early enough to fix them. They start covering, competing and playing small.
THE RESEARCH SAYS: Harvard Business Review research found that high belonging in teams, the opposite of judgment culture, was linked to a 75% reduction in sick days, a 56% increase in performance, and a 50% drop in turnover. The single biggest driver of belonging? Feeling safe enough to be seen, imperfections and all.
, Harvard Business Review / World Happiness Foundation 2025
Love in the workplace doesn't mean everyone holds hands and sings. (Though honestly, sometimes that would help.) It means psychological safety. It means people feel valued rather than evaluated. It means leaders who ask 'what happened?' before 'whose fault is it?' It means a culture where getting it wrong is part of getting it right, not a career-limiting event.
So How Do You Actually Do This?
I want to give you something practical, because I know what you are thinking: Amanda, this is lovely, but I have a 9am with a difficult stakeholder and I cannot stand there going I choose love! It is fine. I hear you. Here is what actually works.
Step one: Notice the story.
When you feel that spike of irritation, defensiveness, or self-criticism, pause. Just a second. Ask: what story am I telling myself right now? Is it 'they don't respect me'? 'I've failed again'? 'This is a disaster'? Name it. Naming a story loosens its grip on your nervous system almost immediately. (The neuroscience on this is remarkable, labelling an emotion reduces its intensity by up to 50%.)
Step two: Ask the question.
'Is this story true? And even if it is, am I going to choose love or judgment right now?' You don't have to choose love for them. Start with yourself. Can you extend the tiniest bit of warmth to the person in you who is struggling in this moment? That's it. That's the whole move. Everything else flows from there.
Step three: Get curious instead of critical.
Judgment closes us down. Curiosity opens us up. Instead of 'why did they do that?!' try 'I wonder what was going on for them.' Instead of 'I can't believe I said that' try 'that's interesting, what was I actually feeling in that moment?' Curiosity is love in action. And it produces wildly better outcomes than judgment, in relationships, in leadership, in life.
THE RESEARCH SAYS: Harvard's 85-year Study of Adult Development, the longest happiness study ever conducted, concluded that warm, close relationships are the single greatest predictor of health, happiness, and longevity. More than wealth. More than IQ. More than status. The quality of your connections determines the quality of your life.
, Harvard Study of Adult Development, ongoing since 1938
"The most important choice you make, in every moment, is love or judgment.
Start with yourself. The rest will follow.", Amanda Gore
Final Thoughts, For Both Your Personal and Professional Life
I'm not asking you to become a saint. (I certainly haven't managed it. See: airport queue.) I'm asking you to become aware. To catch the moment of choice. To build the habit, slowly, imperfectly, with great compassion for yourself when you don't manage it, of choosing love.
In your teams, it looks like psychological safety. In your relationships, it looks like warmth and curiosity. In your own head, it looks like talking to yourself the way you'd talk to someone you care about.
The science is unambiguous: love heals. Connection protects. Belonging makes people brave. And it all starts with the story you're willing to question, the one you've been telling yourself, quietly and constantly, since before you can remember.
What if that story isn't true? What if you are, in fact, enough? What if they are, in fact, doing their best? What if this moment, this exact, imperfect, complicated, sometimes infuriating moment, is actually an invitation to choose something different?
Love or judgment. Ten thousand times a day. You get to choose.
