From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
The nightmare of the two career couple - time for relationships
Welcome to 2011, the age of equality where men are men and women have to be both! (Ha, ha just joking everyone!) Well, a bit anyway. Anyway, all this new found independence is giving women more heart attacks. Because now we are doing everything else we used too AND working. Life seems to be speeding up exponentially (a big word meaning very, very , very fast!). Economic conditions and materialism means that most couples are two career couples. This is where the nightmare starts.
Time is probably the most important commodity we have. Western society lifestyles have eroded the concept of 'plenty of time', so much so that we now have to talk about 'quality time' with our children! What ever happened to lots of time with the children? Or our partners? And if we do have time how rushed is it?
My view of relationship is that we are two separate entities (as Kalail Gibran said 'let the winds of heaven dance between you') who come together to form a relationship which is a living , breathing 'thing'; which needs nurturing, effort and care.
In heterosexual relationships for example....
In the early phases of a relationship, both parties spend time, energy and effort establishing 'the relationship'. And continue for some time to nurture, support and grow 'the relationship'. Then it becomes permanent. (In theory anyway). Now, we have both partners working and learning to live with each other, which makes the first year a bit tense. No one, of course ,give us a manual on how to 'do' relationships, so we struggle through the first year.. We just have to make do with what we learned from watching our parents (or TV) as a guideline.
So now we know how to live with each other and combine hectic work and travel schedules and play. (which includes time and energy for sex).
Then we have children.
This changes the diagram dramatically.
(As you read the following, remember I am generalising! There are of course exceptions to these rules so please , take no offense!)
Now, the man immediately goes into 'children, what a responsibility, I must protect, provide and perform' and spends time with the children but now BULK time at work to provide cos now he has to pay for another, and school fees, and a home, and food and life and now he's a grown up who's totally responsible for another. He infrequently remembers that the relationship needs special attention and often gets jealous of the time the woman gives the child.
The woman becomes an instant child fanatic and devotes mega time, energy and effort towards this child/children and occasionally remembers the relationship, at which point she makes an effort to nurture it.
Then, in my opinion, the real rot sets in. The woman has to work. Or wants to work. If she cannot find part time work she has to find it full time. Now she is torn between spending time with the children and on the relationship and at work. Soon, she is completely riddled with guilt, exhausted and burnt out and can only do so much. So she figures 'hang the relationship' because other things are more urgent and need immediate attention. (see diagram!)
Men are much better at being 'wise selfish' as the Dalai Lama said. Women I reckon often become martyrs! We rarely give ourselves time out because we feel guilty that there is all this housework to be done, we don't spend enough time with the children because we work and so we can' t take even more time away from them when we are not working...etc etc. Men are quite happy to go and play golf or sport or go to the pub. They become annoyed because they tell their partners that they can go and play too but women worry about quality and amount of time with the children ...and the cost of the babysitter!
Before the knives come out and stab me, I am not suggesting that we should ignore the children but I think there needs to be some realistic evaluation of the way we are living our lives. Both partners are exhausted; neither has time to nurture the relationship and children rarely see a happy, loving , relaxed couple on which they can then model their own relationships.
Mid way through writing this article, I received a fax. The Australian Bureau of Statistics produced a 1992 survey - Focus on Families: work and family responsibilities. It basically says that women are still doing everything around the house and caring for the children AND working and that they are stressed out. In a big way. And it appears that we could once think that when the children leave home we can all breathe a sigh of relief and have time to ourselves again. Not any more! We have to think again, cos now we are starting to look after our aging parents!
Apart from that, imagine what happens to a couple in a relationship if they pay attention only to work and the children for twenty years. They wake up one day and realize they have been waking up every day next to the same 'stranger' for 10 years and now the only company they have at home is this 'stranger '. No wonder marriages break up once the children are gone - there is no relationship! What do we talk about if we don't mention children or work?
Relationships are like plants in pots. They need fertilising, feeding, watering, loving, caring and communication to grow and blossom and develop. If we ignore a potted plant for 10 years it dies. If we ignore it for 4 months it dies!
Two career couples are fraught with danger whether we have children or not. This does not mean we shouldn't have them but please recognize the need to nurture both ourselves and the relationship and to make special time to do both. Working adds a new dimension of fulfilment and recognition that is really important for most people, so I think (if you love your work) working has enriched our lives. It' s just the way we work and the way our culture has established rules for who does what in a home environment.
I know men are changing and taking on more responsibility at home and with children .... but as Hugh McKay's book Reinventing Australia' suggests, not much!
I hope as you read this that you start thinking about how you treat your partner and the relationships in your lives and start 1995 with a new wisdom of wise selfishness and balance. Next week, I'll explore some strategies that can help couple keep their relationships alive and well. That's if the male lobby hasn't lynched me.
