From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
Thoughtfulness
Recently, a delightful cousin and I were enjoying dinner, anticipating the return of her 17 year old at 10.30pm. He was driving - anywhere no matter how short the distance - so keen was he to use his new driver's license! At 11.30pm we were starting to worry and by 11.45pm we discovered he and his friends were not where they were meant to be, nor had they phoned as arranged by various parents. Close to panic stations, we found them on the beach - only because we had spotted the car!
This may seem a relatively minor 'misdemeanour' and as usual, there were misunderstandings all round , however it did trigger a series of discussions on thoughtfulness and what it meant.
In my opinion, the 'thoughtfulness hormone' does not kick in until after teen years in women and often not at all in many men! Most teenagers appear totally self centered; they don't seem to use their ability to think about the consequences of their actions; or to imagine the impact they have on the feelings of others - especially their parents!
Teenagers and adolescents are brilliant at understanding how the way they dress and what labels they wear will impact on their peers. So they do have the natural ability to think about what they do and the consequences - it's just selective!
How could we, as a society enhance this natural ability I asked myself? Could schools have a few classes or discussion sessions on thoughtfulness and what it means? Obviously we need to model the behaviors and thinking we would like them to adopt and maybe we could create a thoughtfulness game! This game should include violence, competition, TV, videos and a gameboy to maximize the interest level of adolescent boys!
I have just finished a lengthy and frustrating discussion with my 16 and 12 year old nephews about this topic and have decided thoughtfulness in the young is one of life's great challenges! In short we were told that the way to have responsible , thoughtful children was to use fear! If they knew Mum or Dad would go 'ballistic' they would make sure they would think about the consequences of their actions! (They couldn't even spell 'self responsibility'! Oh well, can't win them all and to be fair, my nephews are pretty good at being responsible).
It did prompt me to think of some questions we could encourage people to ask themselves in order to create a 'thoughtfulness habit' - after all, boiled down, it really is a habitual behavior we are trying to develop. Some questions might be 'Who am I affecting by doing what I am doing at the moment?'; or 'how would I feel if someone else was doing this to me?'; or 'would I be worried about a child of mine out at 12 o'clock at night and I didn't know where they were?' ; or 'if I say I'll call her, will she wait daily by the phone and really expect me to call her?' ; or 'do I need to leave a note or message to let them know where I am and when I'll be home?'.
How many more questions can you think of? A family discussion at this time may save years of parents going ballistic!
We decided thoughtfulness seemed to be linked to self esteem and confidence; so that in a group of peers, children who had healthy self esteem would do what they knew they should do, and not be led astray by the wild crys of 'woos' from their spotty, insecure mates! Of course, parents (or individuals in relationships) do have a teensy responsibility to set guidelines for acceptable and non acceptable behavior and what is expected. It also comprised the ability to make responsible choices and decisions - in the face of sneering peers.
It would appear that (keep breathing - I know I'm generalising and I know this does not apply to you) generally speaking, men have far less thoughtfulness hormones than women.
Men frequently choose to ignore the consequences of their behaviors, actions or words - they just don't seem to 'think' about the impact of , for example, the words "I'll call you"! Yes, we DO expect you to call if you say you will! Otherwise why would you say it? (Hint for men: do NOT say you will call if you have no intention of calling this person again in the near future!)
And if you are running two hours late because it was your shout at the pub and you couldn't leave, or if the meeting is running an hour late , yes it will matter because we are worried or we have dinner ready or we are meant to be somewhere at a specific time! Just a quick phone call to let us know what is happening will score mega bonking points for your thoughtfulness! To men it's just a quick phone call - to women it's the difference between divorce and happiness.
How else can you be thoughtful? If we were unwell in the morning, ring us to see if we are feeling better. Or at least enquire when we arrive home. If we have had our hair done, comment positively as opposed to 'what's happened to your hair?'. If we look exhausted or have had a tough time at work, take us out to dinner - without us asking! If we have cooked a fabulous meal (or even an ordinary one) thank us for the effort! If in your family or relationship, it is the male who is more thoughtful, then all this applies to the female. Or anyone.
Important! Do not wait for a female to tell you what she needs. You are supposed to notice how she is feeling and guess (by being thoughtful) what she would like you to do! Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would feel if you had just lived through the range of experiences she has; or learn what sorts of things stress her out even if you think she's making a mountain out of a molehill - she's still stressed! If she has told you once what she needs then extrapolate that to other similar situations. Ask her how she's feeling more often and listen and watch her as she answers. Learn to read her body language.
There are millions of little way to be thoughtful that are not expensive or time consuming which make an enormous impact on our relationships. When you next sit down to dinner, initiate a discussion on this topic - it's fun. If you are doing this with teenagers, keep Valium handy!
