From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
WORDS ARE EASY
We've heard that words are easy a million times - yet we fall for the same old lines in relationships again and again! We allow people to say all the right things and do all the wrong things - orwe don't notice they are saying one thing and doing another. Or we do it to others.
A man takes a woman out on a date after which there are a couple of common scenarios. One, he has an OK time but doesn't think he wants to take her out again. He still says "I'll call you ". The woman (although she has waited her whole life for men to ring back when they said they would!) STILL waits to hear from him! Or the other scenario that Dave Barry the funniest American journalist paints is one where the man has a wonderful evening. He wants to ask her out again but is terrified that another date would be more fun and would lead to more dates and so on until of course he couldn't live wothout her and he would have to marry her. So he says "I'll call you" and never does!
We need to look at the behavior as the indicator of whether he (or she) will ring. In established relationships, how often do we want to hear what is being said - rather than really seeing what is happening around us? Everyone else has a sense that our partner is having an affair - but we want to believe they are in love with us and faithful and happy in the relationship with us.
And it's easy to say the words.
To change our behaviors is more difficult and requires more soul searching and committment to ourselves and others. A friend of mine who recently split up with a woman he had dated for 2 years, is a classic example of this. About to move in together, she decided against it because he said he loved her but he was having an affair with his work - which took priority over her.
He was so shocked after she called the relationship off, that he went into 'what do I really want in life and what is really important to me mode '. He realized that what he said (which he really believed) and what did had not been matching. The stroy has a happy ending because they are now together and there has never been a more attentive and caring man! But it did take a big shock for him to realize the difference!
How often have we heard 'do as I say, not as I do'? WRONG! Children are far more astute than adults at a non verbal level. They pick up non verbal (Which includes behavioursl) messages very clearly, and if you are admonishing them for doing something and then doing the same thing yoruself - tha's what they'll do. If you smoke while telling children smoking is bad for you, they'll still smoke in most cases. If you tell them loving your family is all importnat and then you work
your family life away - what message are you really giving them?
I wonder if it would be useful to have a 'behavior reflection hour' each week? To think about our own actions and those of others - and see if the beahviours match the words we and others say. Do your behaviors tell your partner and children that they are the number one people in your life? Or do they demonstrate that work is number one priority?
If you're single, do your actions say 'single but desperate' or 'single but active and happy with myself'? Do you ring friends when they need help or support - even when you really don't have time? Or do you just say 'let's do lunch' and ring in four months!
Our subconscious minds are incredibly powerful and persceptive. They will always observe the behavior and at some level in us, it registers that the words are not matching the behavior. And that brings on suspicion, unhappiness, discontent , we may withdraw emotionally, argue more or change our own behavior in a hundred ways - all for no apparent reason. WE may not even understand what's going on. That's the time to become conscious of the behaviors around us. Maybe that will give us a clue to our feelings.
Think of the many situations in life where your behaviors and words may not match - and decide how you really feel and then make yourself congruent. (A big word meaning words and actions match). It makes life much more pleasant and is less draining on our energy levels. And make a committment to observe others beahviour and base your decisions on what you see and experience and feel, rather than just what you hear.
