The final step in F.A.R.C.
Hello everyone!
We have reached the final letter in our F.A.R.C. series.
So far we have covered:
F, Focus on Feelings / Find the Fear
A, Awareness, Appreciation, Acknowledgment and Allowing Grace
R, Remember, Return to Your Heart, Restore Calm and Repeat
And now we come to C.
C stands for:
Consciously Choose Love
Connect
Care
Celebrate
This is the heart of the whole thing. Because awareness is wonderful. Gratitude is powerful. Breathing is essential. (HAHA) Remembering who we are is transformational. But eventually, we have to choose. And because 95 to 99% of the time we are unconscious of our thinking, we must make a conscious choice!
We are making choices in every moment of every day, consciously or not! Whether it's in a conversation, a meeting, a car, the kitchen, in an email, how we speak to ourselves, what to pay attention to, or what to have for lunch!
We are constantly (unconsciously mostly) choosing between fear or love; judgment or grace; protection or connection; reaction or response. In other words, are we going to choose an old story or decide consciously?
This is where F.A.R.C. becomes real.
Consciously Choose Love
C is not about thinking loving thoughts while secretly wanting to strangle someone. LOL. But no judgment! I have done this many times!
C is about conscious behavior. It's choosing love over judgment. Choosing love does NOT mean becoming a pushover. You can love someone and set boundaries because you love yourself as well!
And that might be the most important aspect of choosing, choosing to love yourself first! Not in a selfish, narcissistic way! But truly loving yourself, accepting yourself and loving everything about yourself! I am still working on it!
Sometimes love is setting a boundary; love says "No more.", "This is not acceptable.", "I care enough about you and this team to tell you the truth."
Sometimes love is the courageous conversation. Sometimes it is letting someone experience the consequences of their own behavior and still supporting them. Sometimes it's letting them go and learn on their own!
Fear says, "I must protect myself by judging, attacking, blaming, controlling or shutting down."
Love says, "I can be connected to my own and to others' hearts, and be clear, kind, honest and grounded."
Unconditional love is that special ability to love everyone and everything without judgment. Totally without judgment! It's a rare quality in most humans!
Fear disconnects and lives in the head. Love connects and emanates from the heart. And connection is one of the greatest human needs. People want to feel seen, valued, heard, included, safe, to feel they matter, they are special and cared for. In other words, people want to be unconditionally loved!
That is tricky for most humans to give! But we can aim to do that.
Whether it is a person, an animal or a tree, unconditional love is total acceptance of who or what they are, not judging, wanting to fix, improve or adjust them! Just love them as they are! And if they are not respecting you and your safety, you can love them from a distance with boundaries!
Care - The Smallest Things Change Everything
Unconditional love takes a lot of consciousness, awareness and conscious choosing. Genuine caring itself often doesn't take much to demonstrate. And it's a start!
A sincere thank you. A smile. A note. A pause. Sincere listening. An apology. A hand on the shoulder. A "How are you really?" A zoot.
If you have heard me speak, you probably know about zoots! Zoots are a little stream of love from one heart to another.
Over the years I have taught zoots to hundreds of thousands of people, and they have become traditions in families, teams and relationships all over the place. Which makes me very happy. Because sometimes we need a simple, slightly silly way to express something profound.
We can send love this way and you can even do it silently! Imagine little hearts going from yours to another person's and you might just be surprised that their mood or attitude changes!
Try sending zoots to yourself, the person in the mirror! Loving yourself unconditionally is a lifelong journey for most, but start consciously now. Catch yourself being nasty, critical, demeaning or harsh with yourself. And replace it with grace, acceptance and eventually love!
Teenagers may look like they are allergic to us, but underneath the hoodie, the eye rolling and the headphones is a human who still wants to feel loved. So send zoots.
Your partner, if you have one, is also a magnificent F.A.R.C. opportunity. Once upon a time they could do no wrong. You loved their quirky behaviors and jokes! Then time passed...
And now they breathe loudly, stack the dishwasher incorrectly, leave things in strange places, put the toilet paper in the wrong way, and somehow have become your greatest spiritual opportunity. LOL
Thank them! Have true gratitude for them. You now have thousands of opportunities each week to choose love over judgment. What a gift. You can choose to see it as a gift. Or not!
Connect - What Leadership Actually Looks Like
And at work? Leadership is not just what you say. It's how people feel around you. Which depends on how you feel about yourself.
Can they tell you the truth? Can they make a mistake and learn? Can they ask for help? Can they speak up? Can they be human? Do they feel they matter? Do they feel cared for?
Because people don't leave jobs, they leave bosses. I know you have heard that before and I wish I could acknowledge the person who first said it, as it is so true!
People perform at their best where they feel safe, seen, significant and supported. That is Amanda Gore JQ, Joy Intelligence in action. Being connected, caring, as loving as you can, nurturing, supporting, encouraging, including, working with compassion for yourself and others. That is F.A.R.C. contributing to culture.
Celebrate - This Is What Cements the Change
The last C is celebrate. In neuroscience, we know that for real change to occur, the brain needs to focus on what it wants to change, be aware of the patterns, repeat the new pattern and then celebrate. Even the tiniest results!
The celebration is what cements the changes!
So give yourself a TA-DA every time you make a change!
If you are by yourself or with someone you love, make it a big noisy TA-DA! And have everyone cheer!
If you are in a place where you can't be too obvious, do a TINY TA-DA! I love Tiny TA-DAs.
You just use your fingers and whisper it to yourself.
Your brain doesn't care!! It senses the emotion of celebration and it still works! Celebrate every positive change!
The Full 60-Second F.A.R.C. Reset
Here it is, all in one place:
Pause. Focus. Ask: What am I feeling?
Find the fear. Put on gratitude glasses.
Appreciate something. Acknowledge someone.
Remember who you are. You are love and your mission is to love.
Return to peace and calm with a long exhale.
Consciously choose one loving, caring, non-judging action.
Then celebrate that you noticed. Do big TA-DAs! Or do a tiny TA-DA!
That is it. And the new behavior is cemented into the brain.
That is F.A.R.C.
It is not complicated and it's not silly, it’s actually scientific! It's not pretending everything is wonderful when it isn't or ignoring bad behavior or bypassing pain.
It's choosing to become conscious. And to stop letting fear run your life. It's choosing to see yourself and others with more grace and love. Repeatedly.
Because the world does not need more unconscious fear. It needs more conscious love.
GO FORTH AND F.A.R.C.!
Choose love over fear and judgment.
Send zoots all the time.
Be your own CJF, Chief Joy Facilitator.
Start with yourself. Then scatter it everywhere.
Zoot, zoot, zoot from my heart to yours.
Amanda
PS. This week, choose one relationship where you have been judging more than loving. Don't make a big drama of it. Just send zoots. Notice something to appreciate. Choose one caring action. Tiny choices change everything. Do tiny TA-DAs! Give others big TA-DAs!
PPS. Share this with someone who needs a little more love, grace, laughter, or F.A.R.C.ing in their life. Which is basically everyone. LOL.
LEARN MORE ABOUT AMANDA
amandagore.com
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