From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
NEEDS WORK
Last weekend I had the great fortune to hear Lisa McInnes Smith speak at a conference. She told a wonderful story about how she and her husband try to continually improve their relating skills, and one of these strategies is to put note around their home! My favorite was a sign above the bedroom door that says 'S/he who forgives first - wins!". Isn't that fantastic?
Too many of us harbour resentment and irritation after fights or disagreements and we harbour them for hours, days, weeks and sometimes years! This is not smart and only serves to destroy relstionahips.
only serves to destroy relstionsI think we need triggers to help us remember what's improtant because we are so busy rushing through life we prefer to blame others and expect them to change. compromise or give in.
Imagine seeing that note above the bed or bedroom door when you are feeling like sleeping in another room! You'd probably rip it down! No, just kidding folks! Seriously, it would make you stop adn think. Reevaluate what's important - and is the issue really worth days of discomofrt?
In our competitive culture, 'H/she who forgives first, wins' is a good reframe. And might appear an oxymoron (big word meaning opposite!). Forgiveness and winning are not often associated, and this phrase shifts our awareness from winning by being right to winning by forgiving - a much more powerful strategy.
sor "I beat you, I win'
It also shifts responsisblity back to where it needs to be - our own self responsibility versus blaming everyone and anyone else. It's up to us whether we feel anger, resentment, bitterness, depression, revenge and aggression or whether we choose to forgive.
Somtimes, it's easier said than done to forgive. How do we forgive? A good place to start is to listen to your self talk - what are you saying to yoruself? Do you have a tape on replay that mutters 'why should I have to ....' or ' how dare they...' or 'they started it......' etc. If so , stop the tape and plug in a new one that plays a different tune.
Last year, I had the honor of traveling around Australia with Wayne Dyer and a phrase he used has struck with me ever since - be kind rather than right. That's another strategy for forgiveness. Are you focused on being right, on proving a point , on winning or on getting on together? Is it more importnat to beat your opponent (otherwise known as yoru partner) or to have a fulfilling relationship? Choose to be kind rather than right.
When you are angry , upset or irritated with your partner, try remembering their good points. Make a list - in a book - of what you love about them and keep it handy ; keep adding to the list everytime they do somehting special for you and when you feel like killing them , study this list!
relationshipsimportantandRe evaluatediscomfortresponsibilitySometimesyourselfimportantyoursomething
@bmake forgiveness easier.
Or perhaps you could ask yourself , 'what will feelings of revenge, bitterness, anger, despair or misery do for me?' If you don't answer 'not much' then you don't understand the impact those negative feelings have on your chemical makeup. Forgiving will help you live longer, feel better, and be less stressed - you'll reap more benefits than your partner!
Just a love conquers hate, forgiveness conquers all those other emotions. Try pinning this and other personal growth stimulating phrases around your house and notice the difference in your relating skills and the quality of your relationship. It may even work at work!
was lucky enough( a great Aussie Speaker) tell. Ostomping off and And r-silence, misery and Not only is this a useful belief for the home, in for many issuesusuallythinking and believing , and understanding and successful attempt understanding and ness, 'it's not my fault...' Perhaps you could start with 'they must have a reason for behaving like this or believing this - what is that reason?'. Or 'what is the big picture here - is this a battle worth fighting for?'
