Picture this scenario: you’re at work, having a super busy day. (When is it not super busy, right?!) Everything seems difficult, nothing is going smoothly, and for some reason or another you can't seem to get ahead or make any impact on your in-box. Suddenly, you notice it's 6:30pm. Oh no! You promised to be home “early” tonight… So you fly to the car, drive like a maniac to get home as soon as possible, and walk in the door only to be greeted by lots of noisy people who want your attention!
It's the last thing you need - or want. So you raise your voice, act a little irritated, and ask everyone to leave you alone for 10 minutes so you can change and unwind. Then you proceed to have a dreadful evening with everyone - upset, irritated, picky, impatient or sulking!
If this sounds like a typical work day for you, you’re not alone! This particular issue has raised its head an unusual number of times recently. People are commenting more and more on how hard it is to leave work at work - and arrive home to immediately become the “home” or “family” person.
Both men and women have said the same thing and it appears to be really interfering with their quality of life! They arrive home snappy, irritable, uncommunicative, withdrawn, focused on work problems and are generally bad company. The next thing that happens is - yes, you guessed it - a fight! And soon, it's the normal state of affairs at which point we decide it's just all too difficult and we separate. And start the whole process over again.
How can we expect our partners and children to leave us alone for 10 minutes after we arrive home, just so we can unwind in peace? After all, they are excited about our arrival! And children don't understand the adult working person’s need to “unwind. “ You may be asking yourself - what can we do to leave work at work and have our minds and hearts, as well as our bodies, at home when we’re there?
Step one is to just be aware that we bring work problems home! Sometimes we don't even realize our behavior is different, that we’re being picky, difficult, unreasonable and all those other words our loved ones are calling us!
Perhaps you could pay attention to your behavior in the first 30 minutes after you arrive home. How do you communicate? Do you dive for the television and “veg out?” Or disappear for a run/walk/trip to the gym?
Or do you make a point of giving your partner and/or children your full attention for 10 minutes, listening (really listening) to their day and what they did, and then doing your “thing?”
Secondly, we need to think about what things help us relax and leave the stresses /problems of work behind. Here's a list of strategies that work well and, if you don't have a routine of your own, maybe one of these could be a starting point for you.
- Keep a notebook and pen in your car. As soon as you climb in, before you start to drive, write down all the things you need to attend to the next day and prioritize them. Or list the problems facing you and a couple of possible solutions. Or jot down the issues that have been worrying you and rate them in order of significance. Then close the notebook and put it in the console or the glove box to mark the end of your work day.
- As soon as you start to drive, focus on home, good things that have happened to you, or something you could look forward to at home. If your mind slips back to work, gently tell yourself that work is in the glove box and you'll take the page out the next morning, when it's time to think about work again. Surprisingly, it only takes a short time before your brain learns that the notebook going into the glove box is a sign to change into “home thinking mode.”
- Use a geographical marker on the way home to signal to your brain that work thinking stops here, and home thinking starts now. In Sydney, some people use the two pylons on the Sydney Harbor Bridge. As they drive past the first one, they know they only have the time it takes to reach the other one before they regiment their brain to stop work thinking. Do you have any markers like that you could use?
- Stop at some scenic or quiet spot on the way home (no, not a bar!) and take your 10 minutes to unwind there.
- Play a CD on the way home. If you have a favorite piece of music, record it. Sometimes it helps to have faster music at the beginning of the tape to match the faster pace of your “work brain” and slow it down gradually over a period of say 10 or 15 minutes - so that by the time you arrive home you’ve slowed down.
- Listen to a comedy tape or a tape of people laughing - infectious laughter that will make you grin, if not laugh yourself! Or play motivational and personal development tapes, but no work ones!
- Listen to a fun radio station - not news programs! All they do is give you other negative things to focus on.
- Plan your next vacation. Think about where you’d like to go, what you’ll do there, how relaxed you'll be and how much fun you’re going to have!
- Take off an article of clothing that represents work (for example, a tie, your work shoes, or earrings), and put “home shoes” on. Then take 10 minutes to meditate (no, you don't have to sit in a corner in orange robes chanting “om!”). All you do is stare at the view and think of nothing; or focus on your breathing in and out, in and out; or focus on your muscles, notice any tension and then release it; or repeat the word “flowing” to yourself; or focus on a color or sound or any one of a zillion things that represent calmness for you. This will help your mind settle and leave the chaos of work thinking behind. The clothing thing really does make a difference, too, because it’s a symbol for your brain.
This is just a short list of some possible ways to help you unwind before you arrive home - so you can leave work at work and reconnect with yourself and your family!
