From Amanda's very early writing (1990s to early 2000s), shared as it was originally written.
“Even among men who positively want to respond to the new messages of the Women’s Movement, there is often some conflict between the desire to be sensitive and understanding and the desire to avoid being written off as a wimp.” Hugh Mackay ‘Reinventing Australia’
Blokes. What are they meant to do? How do we women expect them to behave? Do we want snags or macho types? Do we know?
There is a massive role confusion troubling Australian men and women today that is causing major anxiety. In fact, it is listed by Hugh Mackay in his fascinating book as the first of the seven major reasons for not only individual identity crises, but also our cultural identity crisis.
As we women have changed over the last twenty years, we have been shifting our values and beliefs and behaviors. Mostly we have ended up exhausted and tense, but we are more liberated! No, seriously folks, things are better for women who are no longer officially second class citizens. But, we have created new adjustment difficulties as men are only just recognizing that something is not quite the same! Not only are women struggling with the juggling of all the roles we now play (wife, mother, career person etc) but men don’t quite know where they fit in. Or even how! I don't think women are too sure either!
“It is still fair to characterise the typical Australian male response as being a dim awareness that something has gone wrong with his life” Now, before you attack me again as a feminist #$%@, these words came from a bloke - yes, Hugh Mackay who is renown for his comprehensive social research. So this is a substantiated comment. From someone else. Who’s a bloke.
In my effort to bring wellness to the world, we figured it would be a good idea to address this issue of what is the man’s role today. In fact, what is the female role for that matter? And how are we supposed to get on? Goodness knows, it’s hard enough to get on as members of the opposite sex, let alone have role confusion thrown in!
Women say they want SNAGs. Guys they can talk to; who can express emotions and feelings; men who will share in the traditional female tasks (and not hang around waiting to be praised for the washing up they did); men who are understanding and appreciative; who really care for us and make us feel special; who will change nappies and willingly do household chores etc etc. Yet we even say the phrase SNAG s with a touch of derision and at the same time, we want them to protect us, to be strong , to take us away from it all, we want to lean on them when we’re in trouble.
That is to be our knight in shining armour. Our prince who rescues us Cinderellas! To quote Hilary Tupling , one of the best psychologists in the world, or NSW anyway, pointed out to me last week, "Cinderella had it pretty good really. She had a job, independance, a roof over her head and a fairy Godmother!"
Women want men to read our minds, to know when we want the door opened for us or our parcels carried or when to whistle at us.
No wonder lots of men are scared to do anything any more! If we don’t know, what are they to think? Mind you, it seems to me that whenever anyone talks about male role confusion, they always refer to opening doors for women. Hey - to me it's just good manners! I love having a door opened for me. Call me old fashioned but what's the matter with it? What terrible disrespect does it represent?
Well, fellas, I don’t know that I have all - or any - of the answers, but if it helps maybe we could think about some fundamental issues.
Like why do we make fun of blokes trying to be sensitive and talking to each other and ridicule it as ’male bonding’? How can men read women’s minds and should they have to?
Firstly, I think it’s important to register that all men and women have a masculine side and a feminine side. and they both need to be developed and balanced for a psychologically healthy individual. I’m not sure that we address these issues adequately (or at all ) in our Society.
And I think our social culture fosters women developing the feminine side - so that women who try to develop their masculine side as a balance, are often considered to have ‘balls’ and scare men to death. And similarly, men are encouraged to develop their male side so that if a man has a strong sense of his feminine side, he’s a snag/woos/ wimp/ effeminate. As this role conflict is causing so many problems, maybe we had better accept that this masculine/feminine balance is something important and lets pay attention to it.
Talk about it amongst yourselves! Discuss it in groups. Ask your partners what they think. And think about it yourself - how do you feel about this concept? Have you spent time developing one aspect more than another? Did your parents? Your school? Your workplace? What could you do to enhance the half that needs fostering or nurturing? Now, this does not mean you turn into a transvestite or change yoru sex. You just allow yourself to feel emotions that may be male or female orientated.
I would imagine that this idea would make some people, if not all, uncomfortable. after all, it’s new, it’s different and it may mean a change in your lifestyle.
It seems to me that really macho blokes might be hiding something or were taught to be afraid of expressing their real feelings. They are terrified of something (no, I don't know what!). And that women who are heavily into total femininity and helplessness are in trouble as well.
Sometimes, life seems easier for those who are delirious to be in the traditional male/ female roles of the past. The woman a homemaker and mother and the man the protector and provider. Lucky them and good on them! They have chosen one option and it worked for them.
But it seems that most women have to work these days to help support the family, which undermines the man’s perception of himself as an adequate provider and creates resentment in women if they have to do this AND continue doing, unaided all the other things. A 1993 survey of 8000 young people, compiled for The Australian Youth Survey by The Department of Employment, Education and Training shows that only 16% of young men said they cleaned the bathroom in the last week compared with 40% of women.
So even the young men growing up in this scenario are not madly adopting the household chores. And the young women see their role in five years time as having responsibility for the home, the family and a job! So what's new?
The only solution I can immediately think of is that we need to bring these things out into the open and discuss them. Blokes need to understand that things have changed and women are accepting (mostly) the changes but we need help. We can’t keep on working and doing all the other things and still be a great lover. partner and mother. We need to ask for help and accept it - no matter how much more sloppy or messy it is than if we did it ourselves!
Our perception of ourselves and who we are has to be adjusted. It’s OK for you men to help at home. Women need to hear this as well. We are not lesser beings or inadequate if the man has to help for us to cope. Blokes, you are not woos or wimps if you are seen to be sharing the household jobs. Stop ribbing each other at pubs or wherever it is that you compete to see who is the toughest man out there. It’s OK to be human! And vulnerable.
Being tough often makes you sick. Suppress your ability to share emotions and your feelings and you’ll develop a dis-ease.
And women have to stop ridiculing any efforts men make to be more feminine. They’re new at it, so realize that they may not do things just the way you like them done initially - they may make more mess, not see all the dirt etc, but be patient and reinforce what he does - yes it’s boring, but it works and soon , maybe he’ll do it better than you!
And guys, stop being threatened and feeling like your masculinity is in jeopardy if your woman is more assertive or has successes at work or accomplishes things. Praise her and be happy for her - you will be even more of a hero to her - it will deepen your relationship, and respect for each other. And maybe you won't have to work so hard and can enjoy life a little more.
It’s surprising how talking about these issues to each other helps. Especially women. Men may need to go ‘into their cave’ for a while to work out how they feel, but then stretch yourselves guys and try to talk about how you feel to your partner. Maybe circumstances won’t change but your perception of what’s happening might. And then you might feel better. About yourselves and each other.
Self esteem and personal security seem to be a must if we are to enter or create balanced, long lasting relationships - with ourselves let alone anyone else. Maybe women should just think men are being polite and that they have good manners if they open the door. If we are comfortable with ourselves and who we are, I think we can recognize that opening a door is a sign of respect or just what a bloke was taught by his parents. And lets not fight about who goes through the door first!!
So how do you feel about yourself? Are you comfortable with yourself? Do you unconditionally love and accept yourself for who and what you are? (This is a ‘biggie’! And it’s not new age , woo woo garbage. We don’t really foster accepting ourselves in our society and how can we love and accept others if we are harsh and judgemental about ourselves?)
We can give babies unconditional love and acceptance. So we know how to do it. It seems that as we grow up, we add judgment and expectations to everything we do and become involved in. And often we accept ourselves less than most others. We are our own worst enemies. Perhaps the time has come for us to think deeply about how much we accept and expect from ourselves before we make judgments about others and what they do.
So what DO we women want? What do men want? Are we so different? Women want to feel cared for and appreciated. So do men. Men want to be trusted and admired. But so do women! Maybe we just all want to be accepted for who and what we are. And we should be true to ourselves and do what we think is the right thing for us (which may be different from anybody else).
All in all, I think it's no surprise we all confused. Life is changing and I don't think it's going to stop changing. All we can do is look inwards, be OK with ourselves and try to accept others for what they are and get on with living our own lives - and have lots of fun. Who has the right to judge what we should and shouldn't do. Anyway, as the book says - life is short - eat desert first!
